The Foreign Intelligence Files

Five Dumbest: things said about health care reform

2009-09-02T17:00:00.000-04:00

I don't often write about politics, primarily because I consider myself a radical moderate and a proud non-voter. (Yeah, you read that right.) But once in a while, a topic comes up and people (usually, on both sides) say things that are so insanely stupid that... well, read on.

1) We're looking to reform the system so that everyone can have affordable insurance.

Maybe I'm wrong (I am married, after all), but it seems that all of the other things that I buy with the word "insurance" on the end do very different things than "health insurance" is supposed to do. As a rule, Americans don't really want health insurance. Sure, insurance is nice, and I want to be covered if a major medical catastrophe happens, the same way that I want to be covered by my car insurance if I have an accident. But that's not really the point of medical insurance. Consider what Americans want in a "good" health insurance plan. Doctor visit fees covered. Prescription drugs covered. Hospitalization expenses covered. In essence, there should be little or no out-of-pocket expense for any health care procedure. Essentially, Americans want an all-you-can-eat medical buffet. They want a health subscription service. A lot of commerical health plans are set up in this way. Someone (not you, of course) pays the subscription fee and you get access to whatever medical services you need. That's nice covereage if you can get it. After all, the nice thing about an all-you-can-eat buffet is that you don't have to think about whether you want to pay 60 cents for that scoop of mashed potatoes. You can just scoop it on and figure out whether you wanted or needed them at the table. In medicine, where you're dealing with silly things like your life and well-being, it's nice to have to not make decisions based on out-of-pocket cost, but someone is paying for that additional bloodwork your doctor ordered.

Then there's that interesting word "affordable" which is conveniently never defined. Putting aside the massive "government" expenditure (i.e., your tax money... either taxes will go up, programs will be cut, or... and this is probably what they'll pick... we'll put it on the national credit card) that will be required to finance this plan, what exactly is an "affordable" premium. Considering that this program seeks to be "universal", part of the population you're going to be looking at are people who have no job, no income, and no skills. They live from day to day. (Don't get romantic about "the spirit of the American people." There are plenty of folks out there who don't have anything going, some of their own fault, some by circumstance.) It doesn't seem sporting to exclude them, but what exactly do you charge that guy for a premium that's "affordable" to him? Or will it simply be free? Come to think of it, ask Americans who have health insurance through their job how much their premiums are. You'll probably get a blank look. My guess is that people think that health care is simply free already, because the company pays the premiums. They'd probably balk at even a small fee that they really can afford. After all, it's more than they're paying now.

Something I have yet to get an answer to on this "health reform" bill is whether the "public option" will be more like the "all-you-can-eat" policies that are out there or one that's more like the catastrophic coverage that I have. It's said that there are 46 million uninsured people in the United States. To quote that number is something of a sleight of hand. For political purposes, it makes for a great tagline to draw up pity points. But, when figuring out the costs of the plan, the important question is "what sort of plan will this be?" If the answer is anything more than "catastrophic coverage", then you're also paying for an upgrade for however many million people fall below that level.

Bottom line: it's not that health care isn't worth spending money on. It's that it's not free. We can have a rational conversation about whether it is an appropriate use of government resources to provide health care to everyone and if it is, if that's high on the list of priorities. But let's stop the fiction here. This costs real money. Sometimes, something can be a really good idea, but if you don't have the resources to do it, then it's a dumb idea to go ahead and do it anyway. (That, however, does sum up American consumer behavior in a nutshell.)

2) You can keep your current plan, if you want to.

Personal experience: This past year, I was working for a company (no longer work for them) and as part of my pay package, I got health insurance coverage through one of the big major insurance brand names. The plan was nice enough. Decent coverage for what I needed. However, the economy wasn't going so well, and so the company decided to make some cutbacks. They re-evaluated the health coverage they provided and found that another company was cheaper. They sent around the usual memo that goes out to employees when you're getting screwed on something ("Almost the same coverage at great savings!" Always the exclamation point) and sure enough in January, we switched over. No one asked me whether I wanted to keep the old plan. Why? Because most Americans don't actually pick their health insurance plan. At best, they pick from 2 or 3 plans provided by the same company. And because it's hard to find/switch jobs in general, most people don't look at exactly which plan they're getting when they sign on to a job. It's usually enough to see "medical/dental/vision" in the want ad on Monster.com. It's not like there's a giant Facebook fan club for Aetna insurance. If they happen to have my coverage, that's nice.

Then why the insistence on saying "you can keep your current plan?" I think there are two reasons. One is that Americans are generally (and probably properly) reluctant... perhaps proud is a better word... to take something that is labeled "government aid." It's not that the government wants to re-assure people that they can hold on to whatever policy they have (if they even know what it is!), but that they can stay the heck out of the government one. The other is that people would rather "the devil they know than the devil they don't." People are afraid of change, even if you can make a reasonable case that the alternative is better.

But then, they might not have a choice. President B-Rock speaks of the government plan as a competing insurance company. OK, fine. The plan will probably be, in one form or another, administered by Congress, the 535 people in America who never say no to anyone, because they might be kicked out of the best job in America: spending other people's money. Sure, there will be some "health review panel" but it will be staffed by political hacks who can't say no to anyone either. It doesn't matter which party is in control. They've both shown that neither has any fiscal restraint. Eventually, the coverage provided by the plan will be outstanding. Premiums will be subsidized by the taxpayers, and when Americans inevitably cry that they are "too high", Congress will pass a tax to lower them right before election time. (In a brilliant feat of accounting logic, people will see that they pay $300 more in taxes per year and see their health premiums go down by $200 per year and will say that they have saved money!) Eventually, the government plan will be very attractive. Even before that point, when they're still working out the kinks, why should I, as an employer pay for something that the government is going to either give you outright or sell at a low cost, particularly when economic times are hard? Since most people have their coverage through their employer, they'll end up like me this past January, switching coverage not because I wanted to, but because that's the way things work.

3) There will be rationing of medicine!

This qualifies as stupid despite the fact that it is technically true. The romantic notion that you will walk into a hospital, and immediately be tended to by the world's greatest doctors, highest tech medicine, and have 24 hour monitoring in a guest room with wi-fi is sci-fi. The world's greatest doctors only work so many hours. There are only so many of those high tech machine thingies that my brother sells. There will be a line, and not everyone can be first in line.

What gets me about this one that when people decry the probability that there will be rationing, what exactly do they think is happening now? The only difference now is that it's not a bureaucrat who's doing the rationing, but the market. There are things that I can get done based on my insurance covereage that other people can't. There are things I can't have done that other people who have better insurance can. Generally, it comes down to what sort of job that I have. I agree (see above) that what is now "health care reform" eventally becomes a national health care plan (if you want to call that "socialized" be my guest... frankly, that word is used primarily as a scare tactic... but again, probably technically proper.) The thing about a national health care plan is that I would have the same coverage as you, no matter what my job/income. I'd have no claim to jump in front of you in line because I have better insurance.

Claims of rationing are usually followed by examples involving Canada, in which people who would have to wait 4 months for a procedure come south to the US to have it done in 15 minutes. Usually, they forget to say "because they can afford to pay for it." In the US, you can jump ahead in line if you can pay more. That's a market system. In Canada, there's probably a system of assigning places in line, perhaps based on medical need, but eventually, places are assigned by something that boils down to "first-come first-served." And for some procedures, the line is very long. Which is the more just system. That's what the whole debate boils down to.
But the reason that I think cries of "rationing!" are so effective is that it gets people thinking about how decisions on rationing would happen. Rationing requires a system of who should go first. Whether that's first-come first-served or whether it's based on age, medical need, etc., there's the very real thought that we're dealing with people's lives and the possibility that in putting someone toward the back of the line, they may die. We all like to believe that we value all life equally, but this is a case where you just can't do that. Having those conversations is really really really uncomfortable. It's a lot easier to let the market do it for you because you can honestly say that it wasn't your fault.

4) Anything said by Sarah Palin

Sarah! Good to see you again. See that clock over there that says 14:59? Can we talk about what's actually factually in the bill?

5) Just about any of the details of the plan.

Americans have a curious and well-documented pattern of answering that they would like "less government" but would like more spending on specific government programs such as education or infrastructure. This holds even if you ask the same person. We want one thing overall, but when it comes down to the details, we want another. Selling the brand of "health care reform" is a winner. Everyone has something that they don't like about the health care system. The problem is that they all have things that they do like. The more details you release, the more likely you are to be stepping on something that someone doesn't want changed.

What's strange is that people will oppose something that is 90% what they like and 10% what they don't like. So, the more vague you are, the more likely you are to get people to line up behind whatever it is you're selling. One would think that the human teleprompter himself (B-Rock... or President Obama, as some of you insist on calling him) could give one of his trademark speeches of pure fluff which sound great (remember "Yes We Can! Hope! Change! Pickles!"... OK, I made the last one up). He's good at that sort of thing. Herein lies B-Rock's weakness. He's a smart guy and so he's interested in the actual details. Can't say that I blame him, because more people should be interested in the details. But B-Rock makes an awful salesman when it comes to details and in any case, the more details you give, the more people will find some fault with one of them. If B-Rock really wants this bill passed, he should come up with a slogan ("To your health!") and ram it through that way. It's horribly cynical politics, but it's about the only thing that's going to save him.

QB controversies, horses, and babies

2009-09-01T23:03:00.011-04:00

Tuesdays used to be "Take a look around" day where I would look around and note all the things that were happening that weren't news:

People are taking this whole Twitter thing way too far. The OR? (Side note: I never understood Twitter. No one's life is so interesting that I need minute-to-minute updates on what they are doing, and 75% of all Tweets consist of "bored. txt me."

Governer Swarz... Schwartzen... Arnold said something stupid. Apparently, the entire state of Kuhlifornia is on fire. And then oddly, he just spouts off a bunch of numbers. Today, I asked my wife, "How long has he been governor of Kuhlifornia?" She said, "Way too long."

Opposites really do attract! And then they fight. You know this couple.

In other words, nothing new is happening.

Stuff I've been thinking about:

I used to write at a Sabermetrics (advanced baseball analysis) blog called Statistically Speaking. There's a decent chance you already know that. When I was there, I used to warn about the dangers of reading too much into a small sample size. I live in Cleveland right now, a town which theoretically has a professional football team, and its fans are currently arguing over which quarterback will lead them to the 5-11 season that they are bound to have this year. Will it be Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson? It seems that three pre-season games in (out of four!), the competition is still on. Everyone in the town who follows football, and some who don't, have an opinion on which mediocre quarterback is slightly better.

Here's what I wonder: the "competition" was being staged in the pre-season, and folks seem to be basing their opinions largely on what they see in the four games, in which each man will probably throw a total of 30-40 passes. Against second stringers. And no one thinks that this is a bad way to evaluate a quarterback?

Real headline:
Best selling Bible to undergo revision. (They can do that?) via ABC News.

Real headline #2:
Pantless man accused of harassing neighbor's horse. (I don't want to know... yes I do...)

FINLEY, Wash. – A man who apparently wasn't wearing pants has been accused of harassing a neighbor's horse. The Tri-City Herald reported the horse's owner spotted a bald man without any pants chasing the horse about 3:30 a.m. Friday in a corral. Benton County sheriff's deputies identified a 26-year-old man, who lives next door, as the suspect and he was jailed for investigation of trespassing.

Deputies also were called to the home Thursday evening when the owner saw the same bald man scaring the horse enough to break through an electrical and barb-wire fence. He was wearing a black T-shirt and blue shorts at the time.

So... he did this more than once? I think we have enough information to declare this the week's "alcohol was involved" story.

On to the news:

Man robs back to get away from wife
(DJ Chia Pet, if you're reading this... well, wonder where that extra cash came from?)

Church gets endorsement from Satan
(Pastor: "Jesus wants us to be creative.")

Baseball:

Something to warm my Cleveland heart. Jim Thome and Manny Ramirez have been reunited on the same team. Thome was traded from the White Sox to the Dodgers for a minor leaguer.

Since someone is bound to ask, I am still doing Sabermetric work, and if I have something that I want to share with the world, for the time being, it will probably go here. I promise that I'll mark my Sabermetrics posts with a Sabermetrics tag.

And finally:
My wife (DJ Chia Pet) suggested that I make a blog all about her and Narlie, our daughter. And because cute pictures of babies get traffic:

The magnificent return of FIF

2009-08-31T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've decided to re-open this old blog. The most likely people to be reading this are the people who know me as Pizza Cutter, the guy who does Sabermetrics (advanced baseball analysis), formerly at Statistically Speaking (and occasionally elsewhere). Maybe you remember when I used to write regularly here at FIF about Kevin Federline. You might also just know me from actual life. Maybe you just stumbled in here. Any way you got here, welcome.

FIF was my first foray into blogging, back when I actually had time to do daily blogging. Oddly enough, I didn't often talk about baseball on FIF. It was a continuation of my old college radio days when I would do weird news stories on the air. It's been about 2.5 years since I regularly updated FIF. I'm actually rather surprised that Blogger kept it active.

I'm not entirely sure what direction FIF will take at this point. To be honest, I think the best mission statement that I can make is that I'm going to write for my own amusement and hope that other people find it somewhat interesting. Knowing me, I'll probably write on the following issues:

Baseball in general, Sabermetrics in particular
Funny news stories
Bright, shiny objects that I find while cruising through the internet
Kevin Federline
Funny things that my wife says
Trips that I take to Walgreens during which I see signs of the apocalypse
Incredibly cute things my daughter does
Random political thoughts that I have (not very often)
Statistical tutorials
My life

Live and indirect from the world's first, international interactive ziggurat for endangered species and auto parts superstore. I am the Pizza Cutter. This is the Foreign Intelligence Files.

Live Blog of the All-Star Game

2007-07-10T20:03:00.000-04:00

I wanted to. All times Central.

7:04 pm - Eric Byrnes is in McCovey Cove. Shouldn't he be... oh I dunno, at the game?

7:07 pm - Let the Barry Bonds lovefest begin! Tonight marks the time when America decides that it's not the end of the world if someone cheats and gets ahead. That's what America's about.

7:08 pm - What's with the Jeter and Griffey interview Willie Mays thing. Nice... but Mays isn't much of an interview and Jeter and Griffey are doing the worst delivery of scripted questions I've ever seen.

7:11 pm - And now a man from San Diego in a Taco Bell jersey is playing Tee-Ball on national TV.

7:12 pm - Swing and a miss and he doesn't put any of his three balls out of the infield. Fox throws it to Homer Simpson, who does the outro to the commercial break. This is going to be a long night.

7:17 pm - Ah, my favorite time of the year. The All-Star intros. Rafael Belliard finally made it to an All-Star Game.

7:19 pm - Gil Meche just got introduced and gave the usual "Yeah, I'm here because the Royals had to send someone look." The Giants fans booed the Angels players (why?) and they couldn't help but chuckle.

7:21 pm - How did the Diamondbacks get two All-Stars? How is Alfonso Soriano an All-Star? How is Brian Fuentes an All-Star? Was Tony LaRussa not watching his last two weeks?

7:24 pm - Ah, the All-Star game where we get to see David Ortiz actually play in the field. And they said interleague play was bad.

7:25 pm - Are they sure that Placido Polanco isn't there to sing the National Anthem? Speaking of, it's almost time for my favorite two minutes of TV of the year...

7:28 pm - Did anyone else notice that David Wright is wearing his pinstriped Mets jersey while Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran are wearing their solid white Mets home unis? (Update: nevermind, I just need a new TV.)

7:32 pm - Chris Isaak(!!!) is singing the National Anthem. He looks like a cocky jerk doing that. He only sorta knows the words (perilous night, gave proof through the fight.... close enough) And I think they cut out the Canadian anthem again. *sigh*. There's no better awkward TV moment than the Canadian national anthem at the All-Star game.

7:36 pm - Willie Mays gets brought in from center field. A few years ago, in Boston, another outfielder of note was carted in and toasted. He died a little while later and his head was apparently frozen. Here's to hope the same doesn't befall Willie.

7:40 pm - And now he's throwing baseballs into the crowd. Ummmm... can we get the game started.

7:45 pm - Joe Buck introduces himself and the game by saying "You know the matchup already, the American League vs. the National League." Thanks Joe. Tim McCarver already sounds wasted.

7:47 pm - Taco Bell has run the very odd marathon runners eating tacquitos commercial twice in about 5 minutes.

7:51 pm - They're having Cal Ripken read the AL Starting lineup, despite the fact that we just had a big ceremony on the field that gave this information already.

7:54 pm - The plate umpire is 67 years old, and he's #2 on the all-time games umpired list. They keep that?

7:55 pm - Ichiro singles and Brad Penny starts warming up. Joe Buck just mentioned that Jeter has won three Gold Gloves. Hahahahahahahahaha!

7:57 pm - DJ Chia Pet just got home and asked if I would like her to make me dinner. I got to yell 6-4-3! She still doesn't get it.

7:58 pm - Buck calls Ortiz "clutch." And blames Ortiz's "down" season on the fact that Manny Ramirez hasn't been having a good year. Two Sabermetric fallacies within thirty seconds.

8:00 pm - Prince Fielder has a Steve Sax moment.

8:05 pm - Barry is up. Storybook moment ready to happen?

8:07 pm - Nah, fly ball to right.

8:09 pm - I was about to remark how Tim McCarver had actually not said anything stupid. Commenting on Carlos Beltran making catches in Minute Maid Park or Enron Field or whatever it's called, "He made a lot of catches for the Astros and against the Astros."

8:12 pm - Griffey drives in a run. NL up 1-0.

8:14 pm - DJ Chia Pet wants an iPhone. No.

8:19 pm - Fox outros the top of the 2nd with a shot of a girl picking her nose. Now that's cute. DJ Chia Pet just brought me a cupcake. Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary.

8:23 pm - Prince Fielder was named after The Artist Currently Known As Prince. Where do they come up with this stuff? Russell Martin's father was a buskler.

8:28 pm - DJ Chia Pet asked me what league the Cleveland Indians (my beloved team) are in. Then she asked which one the Braves are in (she's from Atlanta). I will now divorce her. Dan Haren strikes out Miguel Cabrera to end the 2nd.

8:31 pm - I don't know if anyone is actually reading this, but I realize that I haven't written in FIF since March. I miss it. I've been actually cheating on FIF with a gig doing Sabermetrics blogging at MVN.com.

8:34 pm - A one-question interview with Dan Haren. Now that's journalistic excellence on the part of Fox.

8:36 pm - Fox is belaboring the thought that Ichiro will probably be a free agent at the end of the year. Then, they throw it over to Ken Rosenthal who points out that Ichiro is actually close to re-signing.

8:38 pm - David Ortiz is up with two runners on and two out with his team down one. Now, this would be a time for a clutch hit, because Ortiz is soooooo clutch. He lines to right. 1-0, middle of the third.

8:41 pm - Josh Beckett comes on for the AL. Jose Reyes greets him with a double that A-Rod just... well, missed...

8:43 pm - Joe Buck suggests that Jim Leyland intentionally walk Barry Bonds. Bonds squares to bunt. Bonds hits a fly ball to left field. Destiny and Magglio Ordonez get in the way.

8:45 pm - Shameless, "I'm from Cleveland" moment. C.C. Sabathia is warming up!

8:48 pm - Josh Beckett has to strengthen his middle finger using Stan's Rodeo ointment. I did a Google search on the subject. Apparently, this is common.

8:50 pm - I will pay someone a million dollars if they eliminate all copies of John Mellencamp's "Thiiiiiiis is Our Country" from the planet.

8:52 pm - Alfonso Soriano comes on for Bonds. A-Rod just got a "Clutch" award from Pepsi. Hahahahahahahahaha!

8:55 pm - A-Rod just got thrown out at home by about 20 feet. Now that's clutch! 1-0, middle of the fourth.

8:57 pm - The Japanese hot dog eating guy (Hideki Okajima?) is now a spokesman for Coors. Even though he lost on July Fourth.

9:02 pm - Fox is wringing their hands over whether or not Barry Bonds used steroids. He might have, he might not have. I have an idea. As a culture, let's all agree that it doesn't matter. Further, will Bonds please just break the record and get it over with?

9:04 pm - "In the years from 1920-1965, there were 12 players who hit more than 50 HR in one season. In the last twelve years, there have been (I forget what number he said). Did that just happen? No." - Tim McCarver.

9:06 pm - DJ Chia Pet just IMed me from our bedroom. Ain't technology wonderful?

9:09 pm - Derrek Lee and Chris Young (who's actually suspended right now!) enter the game at the same time. After getting into a fight with him a week or so ago. Tim McCarver, desperately tries to make two references to the movie 300. For Sparta!

9:10 pm - Eric Byrnes just tossed his dog into the water. I'm glad that he's on my fantasy team. He hits, he runs, he does weird things.

9:12 pm - The most interesting thing of the night happens. Ichiro hits a ball off the wall and manages an inside-the-park-homerun. Tim McCarver says "It's a rare rare rare thing." Indeed, it's never actually happened before. 2-1 AL. Can the AL win their tenth straight, with one tie... not that I'm still bitter about that?

9:17 pm - C.C. is pitching!

9:19 pm - Tim McCarver: "Sometimes you catch the ball. Sometimes the ball catches you." Thanks Tim. Carl Crawford makes a nice catch.

9:21 pm - C.C. gets the third out to end the fifth, and Eric Byrne's dog is safe. All is good in the world. Is it just me or is Fox casting about for any story line at all tonight?

9:27 pm - Francisco Cordero is facing Carl Crawford. Yawn. It's the sixth inning.

9:29 pm - Of course, right after I type that and submit it, he hits a home run. 3-1 AL. Tim McCarver exclaims "Cordero got it up, and so did Crawford." Hahahahahahahahaha!

9:30 pm - Friend Steve recommends the movie Transformers. He says that if I'm looking for "a good movie, combined with a desire to feel like you're 6 years old again and a serious geekout," then I should go see it. Hmmmm... Isn't there a baseball game going on here?

9:34 pm - Carlos Beltran triples. Steve and I are talking about Underdog: The Movie which is coming out soon. My review after seeing the preview: "That's wrong. Not genocide wrong, but definitely double homicide with an overdue library book wrong."

9:36 pm - Griffey hits a sac fly. AL is up 3-2.

9:40 pm - Russell Martin hits a San Francisco cop with a foul ball. No word on whether he also hit the construction worker or the cowboy. If you get that joke, I love you.

9:44 pm - MasterCard is doing their Actober contest (horrible pun) where you act out a great moment from the World Series. Can I do Julian Tavarez after Game 6 of the 1995 World Series?

9:47 pm - Riveting TV from Fox. Tony LaRussa talking to Bruce Froemming (the home plate umpire) about all his lineup changes. Yeah... great...

9:49 pm - And we're working along at a nice little clip. Middle of the seventh. And out comes Paula Cole to sing God Bless America? She's still alive? DJ Chia Pet likes to watch Dawson's Creek in the morning, so I'm often reminded of her, but I figured that she had just waited and her life was over.

9:50 pm - Apparently, the keyboard is malfunctioning. This is more awkward than the Canadian national anthem could ever be. Paula should have just belted it out a capella. She finally gets to singing (overdone), but for some reason, the camera man felt the need to give us a close up of her right armpit.

9:55 pm - I just checked who it was that sang the Canadian anthem. No one. The San Francisco orchestra just played it. They didn't even bother having Avril Lavigne come in and do it. She probably would have introduced it as her own song.

9:58 pm - Soriano swings a big bat and hangs right out over the plate. We know what you mean.
10:04 pm - Grady Sizemore is up! (update: Sizemore goes down on strikes.)

10:05 pm - Friend Steve asks whether we can get David Ortiz on Iron Chef. This after we learn that Ortiz (who's been out of the game since the 4th or so) likes cooking and the Green Bay Packers. Victor Martinez is up!

10:07 pm - Oh if only Cleveland Indians announcer Tom Hamilton had been there for Martinez's home run: "A swing and a driiiiive, ta deep left... A waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy back.... gone!"

10:11 pm - I cast my very biased vote for MVP for Victor Martinez. Ichiro will probably get it. Which means that the Japanese guy will get the Chevy.

10:13 pm - Papelbon comes in to start the bottom of the 8th. Tim McCarver says that he's a good closer because he's got a good sense of humor. Yeah... Strangely enough, McCarver's having a good night. He hasn't said that many stupid things. For him.

10:16 pm - We're at the point in the game where the game will be decided by those who are there because their team had to have one guy in the game.

10:20 pm - Papelbon (Red Sox) is pitching to Jorge Posada (Yankees). Is world peace that far away? Middle of the eighth, 5-2 AL.

10:23 pm - Maybe it's just because I'm a psychologist, but does the Burger King barbecue bacon Tendercrisp commercial ("SHUT UP") scare anyone else?

10:24 pm - OK, I give up. What is the decal that's been mowed into the grass in center field?

10:31 pm - My wife and I just had a conversation about popping zits. I love my wife.

10:32 pm - We're having a festschrift for Bruce Froemming.

10:37 pm - Bottom of the ninth. Putz in. The AL looks like they're going to put it away. You know the game is coming to an end when they start doing the credits.

10:41 pm - The last hope for the NL rests with a member of the Washington Nationals. And we're rehashing all of Dmitri Young's problems apparently as a nice way to end the game.

10:44 pm - Young singles to second base. Roberts would have had a tough play. Alfonso Soriano is up with his team down 5-2. If he hits a home run, my neighborhood will go nuts. Cubs fans are that loyal and that bad at math.

10:47 pm - Lest anyone accuse me of writing things after the fact, I have a witness that the previous entry was written before Soriano's HR. Things just got interesting. 5-4 AL, with J.J. Hardy coming to bat.

10:49 pm - A boring game finally has a tense moment. Hardy walks.

10:50 pm - Jim Leyland actually makes a pitching change mid-inning! Not just that, a double switch! Derrek Lee could actually become a hero here. Wrigleyville really would go nuts if he hits one here.

10:55 pm - K-Rod is snapping off curve-balls that I can only dream about. 3-2 2 outs, 1 run game, ninth inning.

10:56 pm - D Lee walks on a check swing... bringing up Orlando Hudson... why is Albert Pujols still on the bench?

10:57 pm - K-Rod loads the bases with a walk to Hudson, and we're actually getting a visit to the mound from the pitching coach in an All-Star Game. Now, it's Aaron Rowand.

11:00 pm - EXHALE! A thriller ends with a fly ball to right, and Albert Pujols sitting on the bench. The AL wins the All-Star game for the tenth straight time. 5-4.

11:02 pm - Flash forward to October. Game 7 of the World Series is in Cleveland, and the Indians come back in the bottom of the ninth to win the game against the Mets or Padres or whoever. The Mets think to themselves, if only LaRussa would have put Pujols in the All-Star game, this game would have been in New York.

11:05 pm - Ichiro gets the MVP. The guy from Chevy is addressing Ichiro even though he can't understand it.

11:06 pm - The interview between the Fox anchorette and Ichiro is amazing unintentional comedy. Apparently nobody told her that he doesn't speak English.

11:07 pm - Apparently, no one told her that he probably won't be a free agent either. I also think that the translator guy basically was just making things up.

11:09 pm - With that said, it's time for FIF to sign off. I don't know if I'll be reviving FIF, but I want to. Catch me on MVN, though. Until next time because this time was better than last time, I am and will continue to be the Pizza Cutter. Say good night, DJ Chia Pet.

My kind of tattoo

2007-03-23T00:17:00.001-04:00

I realize I haven't seen an episode of Gilmore Girls in weeks. My wife gave up TV for Lent, and I've been teaching on Tuesday nights, which means no Gilmore Girls. Plus, we haven't been watching the DVD episodes for Gilmore Girls either. Is my guy card going to be permanently revoked if I say that I'm in Gilmore Girls withdrawal?

On to the news:

How to scare away coyotes
(Use an airhorn? Now, how to scare away the jerks with the air horns...)

Thieves steal $12,000 in underwear
(For... what?)

Pizza Cutter, meet Pizza Head
(Now that's commitment to a job!)

Thief uses his own credit card to open a lock
(Guess what happened...)

Bright, shiny objects:

Senior prank
(Didn't anyone... notice?)

I'd laugh, but those who know me would tell you that I could have easily written this
(If I knew anything about physics, that is)

T-shirt of the week:

For sale
(I'm sure there's a few of you out there who are tempted)

And finally:

My wife knows Hebrew. Last weekend at the Bar Mitzvah, she claims that she was following along. On the other hand, while the cantor was singing a song and tapping out a beat, all I could think of was, "Wouldn't it be cool to remix this?" I'm so reverent.

Chinese food is bad for you?

2007-03-21T12:29:00.000-04:00

Being a professor is nice around finals week. Unlike my students, who are cramming for three or four different tests, watching their immune systems crumble, and enduring a week and a half of anxiety and agony, all I have to do is write a test, copy it, and then hand it to them and read a book while they sweat it out.

But, then again, I have to grade them.

On to the news:

But I went there for a healthy alternative
(Pope may also be Catholic, film at 11)

Speaking of the Pope, he had a visitor today
(The mental image on this one is astounding)

Karma 1, Enron 0
(Actually, Karma, 182M)

More "old people smuggling drugs" stories
(This one happens with alarming frequency)

Bright, shiny objects:

Mario Brothers, done with legos
(A full minute of giggling!)

Actual useful information
(What to have in your car in case you get stranded in the snow)

Today's strange anniversary:

March 21, 1860 -- US extradition treaty with Sweden. Someone apparently felt the need to write that one down.

Fun fact of the day:

Why do they call it Latin America?

And finally:

Happy equinox to you all. It's the first day of spring, which means that the days are finally longer than the nights, and it only gets better until June!

Kevin Federline, the search engine

2007-03-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on!

Boss makes call to beleaguered employee to console them in his time of need.
Good IT workers are so hard to find
Here's another thing that Keanu Reeves can't do
Politicians engage in both bribery and lying
Harry Potter loves the environment

In other words, nothing new is happening.

Something so odd, it gets its own section:

As I'm someone who deals in the odd, you may be wondering what on earth might actually qualify as "too weird" to be included in the general weirdness that is the Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!).

Kevin Federline is starting his own search engine.

On to the news:

Win a date with... Alan Greenspan?
(What would you talk about?)

Food story, not for the faint of heart
(Would you?)

Headline: Lingerie-clad prowler hit in the head with frying pan
(I'm not making this up)

Bright, shiny objects:

It's a dog... riding a bike
(In Japan)

Political figures in drag
(Perhaps there was some use of Photoshop... nah)

Today's random "next blog":

Business News
(This might be a flog, but it's what came up)

Today's strange anniversary:

March 20, 1969 -- Beatle John Lennon marries Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. I mean, if I was John and you were Yoko, I would gladly give up musical genius...

Fun fact of the day:

In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same.

And finally:

The Baseball Psychologist.

How Jewish is your home?

2007-03-20T00:49:00.000-04:00

So this weekend, I went to a Bar Mitzvah. My first one. My college roommate's little brother was officially being inducted into Jewish adulthood, and so I was invited to witness it. It was three hours of Hebrew, followed by a sermon (?) on the theme, "How Jewish is Your Home?" My wife and I could only look at each other and stifle a laugh.

"Do you have a Mezzuzah over your door?" (No, but we have crosses...)
"Do you have a Tzedakah box?" (No, but my wife likes to play Sudoku boxes...)
"Do you have a Shabbat tradition? Maybe dad lights the candles or maybe..." (Maybe I'm in the wrong place...)

If you've never been, the service is nice once you actually figure out where to follow along with the translation. The people there were kind and understanding to the two goyim. But, try as I might, whenever they would do a prayer, being Orthodox (Christian... yeah, that was a fun one to explain), I wanted to end it with the Sign of the Cross. Probably the wrong thing to do in those circumstances.

Also, this was on St. Patrick's Day, the day that Americans celebrate the Christianization of the country of Ireland by engaging in large public acts of excessive drinking while wearing green. Waiting for the train, I had to step in and politely request that a very drunk man (in a plastic green hat) stop hitting on a girl who clearly was not into it.

On to the news:

An update on a story I did a few months ago
(Breahalyzers for teachers! It works!)

Today's most creative thieves
(Boots?)

Throwing celery now a crime
(At least at a soccer match)

Bright, shiny objects:

How it should have ended
(How your favorite movies should have ended)

Where to shop in Japan
(Once again, Engrish.com! While we're at it, here's a report on St. Patrick's Day in Tokyo.)

Today's random "next blog":

Alexandra Michel
(A midwife serving in the Phillipines)

The Monday playlist feature:

Wednesday marks the Vernal Equinox, the first day of Spring. Spring Training is in full swing. On the subject, I am trying to research the ill-fated Spring of 1995. Remember the replacement players. Wonder what they were listening to after the game?

5) Dionne Farris -- I Know

4) Soul For Real -- Candy Rain

3) Brandy -- Baby

2) Sheryl Crow -- Strong Enough

1) Madonna -- Take A Bow

It wouldn't be a Monday playlist without Madonna. Will someone tell me who Dionne Farris and Soul For Real are? Is Brandy still alive?

By the way, I found a few other chart review sites. This one has Madonna, Hootie and the Blowfish, Dionne Farris, Des'ree, and Boyz II Men. This one has most of the same plus Green Day's "When I Come Around." (Who knew they'd be the only ones still around from that group?)

Today's strange anniversary:

March 19, 1883 -- Jan Matzeliger invents 1st machine to manufacture entire shoes.

Fun fact of the day:

The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' symbolizes 'two women living under one roof'.

And finally:

I think I'm really gonna do it. Not a daily blog, but a new blog to highlight my Sabermetric interests. I need to plan it out a bit, but check back for an announcement soon.

5th Annual NCAA Picks

2007-03-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

It is the surest sign of spring that there is. Better than a woodland creature poking his head out of a hole. (Let's be honest. There will be six more weeks of winter either way.) Better than the stores putting out Easter candy for sale. (Let's be honest. They put that out in mid-January. And we eat it in April.) Not quite as good as spring training baseball, but no one bets on spring training baseball. (Let's be honest. That "pool" you enter is nothing more than a cleverly disguised gambling ploy.)

It's time for the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. (It's apparently also time for the women's tournament, but no one watches that one. Or bets on it. Incidentally, while I'm in these parentheses, the Women's Final Four is in my beloved Cleveland. How did that happen and no one told me?) Once again, millions of men (and twenty-three women) will be attempting to show how knowledgeable they are about college basketball by filling out their brackets. This always ends in a great deal of hilarity, as most men know little about college basketball.

I, on the other hand, revel in my ignorance. I know nothing about college basketball. Absolutely nothing. I go to DePaul University, and I don't even know if they're any good this year. (Seeing that they didn't make the tournament, apparently not.) The thing is, I pick my games the same way that you do, based on stupid reasons like "I have an aunt who lives in Arizona" or "I'd rather go to Texas than North Carolina for vacation." Actually, you pick games based on reasons that involve your "knowledge" of basketball, and I win the pool every year. Life isn't fair.

This year, my fifth year doing this (seriously), I can get a little more interactive with the picks because I'm putting it in blog form. So sit back and enjoy as the master picks all 64 games for you and tells you the reasons for why the game will end that way. As always, don't use these as the basis for any real wager. It's not that I mind that you'd gamble, it's that I just don't want you to lose money.

Thr first round or the "So you won an irrelevant conference tournament" Sixty-four:

St. Louis Regional

(1) Florida over (16) Jackson State

Let's think about all the famous Jacksons that there have been. Seventh President Andrew Jackson. Abstract artist Jackson Pollock. And, of course, Michael Jackson (who for some reason is in the news greeting U.S. troops in Japan.) I think the last thing we need is another famous Jackson.

(9) Purdue over (8) Arizona

When was the last time you got a good chicken from Arizona?

(5) Butler over (12) Old Dominion

Everyone knows that the butler is always the killer.

(4) Maryland over (13) Davidson

One of those iron-clad rules of NCAA tournament picking (#3): Never pick a school if you don't know where it is.

(6) Notre Dame over (11) Winthrop

A thought: Had Old Dominion and Winthrop changed places (or ND and Butler), then Butler could have played Winthrop. An Englishman's delight! Rule #6: Never bet against God.

(14) Miami of Ohio over (3) Oregon

A friend of mine went to Miami, and I actually talked to him earlier tonight. He told me that MofO (read that carefully) got in. I said, "So I'm gonna have to pick them to go to the Final Four, aren't I?" He said yes.

(10) Georgia Tech over (7) UNLV

This year, the Final Four is in Atlanta. Tech is in Atlanta. I'm starting to see a pattern here.

(2) Wisconsin over (15) Texas A&M - CC

I have no idea what CC means. Did they let a community college in? Corpus Christi? (Kristy, Kristy, Kristy!) This really confused me when I saw that the "real" Texas A&M is also in the tournament along with the University of Texas, Texas Tech, and North Texas.

San Jose Regional

(1) Kansas over (16) play-in game winner

I went to KU for a conference. Nice place. Yes, that's my entire reason for picking them.

(8) Kentucky over (9) Villanova

KY. Giggle.

(12) Illinois over (5) Virginia Tech

I took a look around at where I was sitting. Never bet against your own state. Besides, Virginia Tech sounds like something that Bible Belt girls say about themselves. (Think about that one for a minute.)

(4) Southern Illinois over (13) Holy Cross

Yeah, I don't know either. So, rule #9 applies. Pick the team ranked higher.

(6) Duke over (11) VCU

Rule #5: Never pick a school if you have no idea what their acronym stands for.

(3) Pitt over (14) Wright State

Wright State. Rong city. Nothing wrong with Dayton, mind you...

(10) GONZAGA! over (7) Indiana

Every year, Gonzaga gets in, and everyone loves screaming "GONZAGA!" Well, by "everyone", I mean "me."

(2) UCLA over (15) Weber State

Weber is not actually a state. And we all know that Webber doesn't have a good history in the NCAA tournament.

East Rutherford Regional

(1) North Carolina over (16) Eastern Kentucky

RHIP. The tournament committee put this game in Winston-Salem instead of Lexington. Coincidence? Rule #1: Never bet on a "directional" state school. Except for Northern Carolina.

(8) Marquette over (9) Michigan State

True story: I picked Marquette because I was concerned that there wouldn't be a team in the second round with a Q in its name.

(5) USC over (12) Arkansas

Since we're talking about people who live in Southern California, Pamela Anderson has come forward and stood up for Britney Spears. It's too bad that there's not a team named "Britney" or something like that, and that I already eliminated Jackson State.

(4) Texas over (13) New Mexico State

I know that Mexico is talking about the whole Reconquista thing, but doesn't that part of America sound better as "Texas" than an as-yet-unnamed-New-Mexico-State? Was that too high-level of a joke?

Did anyone get that?

(11) George Washington over (6) Corneilius Vanderbilt.

(3) Washington State over (14) Oral Roberts

Do I even need to make that joke?

(10) Texas Tech over (7) Boston College

God vs. Bobby Knight. I know that Rule #6 says never bet against God. But, this is Bobby Knight. (Long time readers of this annual festival of ignorance will surely groan that my Bob Knight fascination hasn't gone away. Neither has my Kris Benson fetish.)

(15) Belmont over (2) Georgetown

Here's my entire reasoning for why I picked Belmont. We live near Belmont Street. It's a sign! Remember, someone like me wins the pool every year.

San Antonio Regional

(1) Ohio State over (16) Central Connecticut State

A memo to Central Connecticut State: Congratulations on winning the NEC and getting an automatic bid to "The Dance." After 40 minutes with Ohio State, you'll be singing this song. (CCSU's motto: "Start with a dream. End with a future." Catchy. Relevant.)

(9) Xavier over (8) BYU

God vs. God. Draw. Yes, but Ohio vs. Utah. No contest.

(5) Tennessee over (12) Long Beach State

It's Spring Break time and Long Beach State is being punished by being sent to Columbus. Right there, that's plenty of reason to think that they'll throw the game.

(4) Virginia over (13) Albany

Guard play? Better perimeter defense? Trap blocking scheme? Hydrostatic emissions? If I keep this up, I'll eventually say something that sounds intelligent.

(6) Louisville over (11) Stanford

A school's basketball ability is always inversely proportionate to it's IQ. Stanford gets screwed on that one every year... so does...

(3) Texas A&M over (14) Penn

Or whoever comes out of the Ivy League. But then again, if Stanford and Penn both pull upsets, will this be the nerdiest game of NCAA basketball ever played in the second round?

(7) Nevada over (10) Creighton

Problems with Creighton: 1) In Oklahoma. 2) Sounds like a packaging supply store. 3) Not spelled the way it sounds. This will cause them to lose. Also, my exact thought process on picking this one: I picked the #10 teams in the other three brackets. I felt I was being unfair to #7,

(2) Memphis over (15) North Texas

Eh.

The Round of 32, The Second Round

Which could be a reference to the NCAA toruney or the fight over who Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy is.

Meet Me in St. Louie Regional

(1) Florida over (9) Purdue

What do you mean I spelled it wrong?

(5) Butler over (4) Maryland

A butler hasn't gotten this much love in prime time since Mr. Belvedere.

(6) Notre Dame over (14) Miami of Ohio

Omar, if you're reading this, I gave Miami one game. C'mon man, there's a limit to how far a #14 seed from Ohio can go. Then, they get beaten by Notre Dame, who ran our high school. Besides, you can't bet against God. Also, a story that I heard from a friend who went to the Michigan-Notre Dame football game this year: Before the football games, the ND players all go to Mass together. A quick reminder that God has better things to do than block field goals. Afterwards, they all emerge to a bunch of cheering ND fans... and jeering Michigan fans. Have we gone so far as a society as to cheer people coming out of church?

(10) Georgia Tech over (2) Wisconsin

When I was in Atlanta last week, I sat down for a dinner with me and eleven Russians. The guy I was sitting next to worked at Georgia Tech. (Not shocking considering that I was in Atlanta...) but he seemed like a nice guy. Ramble on Wreck.

Do you know the way to San Jose regional?

(1) Kansas over (8) Kentucky

Rock chalk, Jayhawk.

(4) Southern Illinois over (12) Illinois

This is breaking another cardinal rule of NCAA picking. Never pick a directional school over it's non-directional counterpart. But, Southern Illinois is the Salukis. You gotta give it to a school that has a mascot that no one knows what exactly it is.

(6) Duke over (3) Pitt

I always pick Duke.

(2) UCLA over (10) GONZAGA!!!

Becuase you know that Dick Vitale will be there, baybee!

There aren't any songs about East Rutherford regional

(1) North Carolina over (8) Marquette

I asked my wife. She said North Carolina. I figure she knows about as much as I do.

(4) Texas over (5) USC

I don't see any horns on your head.

(3) Washington St. over (11) George Washington

I love it when matchups like this happen.

(10) Texas Tech over (15) Belmont

Did I really pick Belmont over Georgetown? What on earth was I smoking at the time? I don't even know where Belmont is.

Davey Crockett regional.

(1) Ohio State over (9) Xavier

Hang on sloopy, sloopy hang on. O! H! I! O! Also, will someone please tell me why North Carolina gets to play in Winston-Salem, but OSU can't play in Columbus?

(5) Tennessee over (4) Virginia

Here was my actual thought process: Tennessee has a nice orange pattern going on there. I don't know what Virginia's colors are. Therefore, Tennessee wins this game. Something to note: I have yet to name one basketball player throughout the entire course of this entry.

(6) Louisville over (3) Texas A&M

Maybe because the game is in Kentucky.

(7) Nevada over (2) Memphis

When I saw these two in the bracket, I thought of Elvis Presley. Do I go with the young Tennessee Elvis or the older Las Vegas Elvis. The post office already tried that one. Then I remembered that Marc Cohn went walking in Memphis and no one has heard from him since. Not a good sign.

The Sweet Sixteen (That awful MTV show)

(1) Florida over (5) Butler

Where would you rather be on March 22nd? Florida or Central Indiana. Thought so.

(10) Georgia Tech over (6) Notre Dame

Georgia Tech have to approach this like any board game. The goal is to move along home, and so Tech stays true to the goal. Has anyone noticed that I haven't yet mentioned Paris Hilton?

(1) Kansas over (4) Southern Illinois

Jayhawk vs. Saluki. Stop and think about that one for a while. The dodo bird meets the wild dog. Kansas gets the edge because there's not only a band named Kansas (and none named "Southern Illinois"), but there's also a band called the Jayhawks.

(2) UCLA over (6) Duke

We've gotten to the point where I start feeling guilty for always picking Duke. Besides I can't spell Krzyzewski.

(1) North Carolina over (4) Texas

Prettier uniforms.

(3) Washington State over (10) Texas Tech

I suppose I could have had Texas play Texas Tech. At this rate, Washington State will have beat Oral Roberts (hehe), George Washington, and Bob Knight. Not bad. Perhaps they will also lull Dick Vitale into a deep sleep and drop him off in Antarctica. Now that I think of it, I'll say six words and it will scar you for the rest of the day: March of the Pengins. Dick Vitale.

(1) Ohio State over (5) Tennessee

Special guest appearance by Ted Ginn, Jr. Wait... Greg Oden. There! I know an actual college basketball player! I'm sure there's no relationship (not that anyone will catch that reference, except my wife.)

(6) Louisville ties (7) Nevada

Why not? Like it matters.

The Elite Alliterative Eight. Why does Alliterative start with a vowel?

(1) Florida over (10) Georgia Tech

You know how when you play Candy Land, you have to get a purple card to get to the finishing square. However, no matter how hard you "try", you can't get one. It's like that with Georgia Tech. Florida somehow pulls out a Blue, Orange, and Purple card.

(2) UCLA over (1) Kansas

Quick, name three cities in Kansas. You can't do it. Out of the tournament.

(3) Washington State over (1) North Carolina

Does a 3-seed count as a Cinderella? Watch, Wash St. will be dumped out in the first round by Oral Roberts. That happens in everyone's brackets. One of your Final Four teams will lose in the first or second round. Count on it.

(1) Ohio State over (6/7) Louisville/Nevada

Is it baseball season yet?

The Final Four

This final four features four fine and favored franchises. Why do they call it the final four, when it's really the semi-final four?

Florida over UCLA

Ohio State over Washington State

Funny how those things work out, eh?

The Final

Ohio State over Florida

If this final happens, I will personally enroll in Ohio State and play for them to ensure that they win. More to the point, I will enroll at UF to make sure that OSU wins.

And finally:

The play in game winner

(16a) Florida A&M over (16b) Niagara

Headline: Niagara Falls.

Alabama, Alaska, Arizona...

2007-03-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on!

Bob Dole finally got a job in the health care field.
Mariah Carey is making a movie in which she plays an aspiring singer.
We're all going to die.

In other words, nothing new is going on.

On to the news:

Teenagers scare ostrich to impotence?
(With firecrackers?)

Sword fight breaks out after man breaks into his ex-girlfriend's apartment
(The fun of doing this blog is that I have no idea what awaits me in the morning)

Bright, shiny objects:

More from the "creative ways to recycle" department
(Someone, Lindsey, linked these as a comment. They're in German, but you'll get the idea.)

Can you name all 50 states?
(You have ten minutes. Go.)

And finally:

The word in Russian for "red" is the same as the word for "beautiful." I learned that one this weekend.

My baseball addiction

2007-03-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

A few observations on life:

For those of you who saw the previous post and wondered, Allendale is officially off the radar (they dropped out on Tuesday morning). A big thanks to those who were following along and commenting. My mom was even watching it. It means that I'll be around for another year in my graduate program. I'll apply next year.

Chad Six was released.

I can finally use this page again. I missed baseball. The best test of whether you're a baseball junkie. If you've ever looked at a spring training box score, you have a problem. Seek help immediately. Failure to do so may result in this.

In other news, did you ever wonder what would happen if Avril Lavigne covered Toni Basil's "Mickey" and Fergie's "London Bridge" at the same time? It would sound something like this. Catchy. Creepy. Because America really needed a soundtrack to endless teenage catfights. Why'd she have to go and make... nevermind.

(Tsk tsk Avril. Not that anyone will remember this, but the song that she's blatantly ripping off is this one by The Party, "I Want To Be Your Boyfriend." For those of you who don't remember the early 90s, The Party was a "band" manufactured out of former members of the Mickey Mouse Club. It's just that they had a slightly better personal trajectory than others who followed the same career path.)

*Drool* Anyone want to get me a St. Patrick's Day/April Fool's Day/Birthday (even though it's in December) present? This looks absolutely gorgeous. Warning to wife: You wouldn't see me for two weeks. (Only downside: Who licensed Nirvana's "Breed" to this game?)

Am I a nerd for the fact that I'm trying to design a better post-hoc test for significant moderator test for fun?

While I'm in the neighborhood...

On to the news:

Headline: "Beer-drinking duck understands Chinese"
(Do I even need to add anything to that?)

Here's to multi-tasking!
(I need to be able to write my dissertation like this)

Dog gets college degree. So does cop.
(In Ohio)

Man tries to cash check from God
(Hey, God, while you have your checkbook out...)

Who Wants to be Keanu Reeves?
(Me!)

And finally:

I get to see my nieces this weekend!!! And oh yeah, the rest of my in-laws.

Live-blogging the Clearinghouse

2007-02-26T17:36:00.000-05:00

Well, I suppose a traumatically-induced, frenzied search whose possible outcomes are a year of separation from my wife or a complete failure of one of the primary objectives of my professional life for the last eight months is the sort of thing that might make for some good comedy. This is a case where we would do well to heed to words of the great prophet, Jimmy Buffett, who taught us that if we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. So, here I will live-blog my navigation through the Clearinghouse process.

The rules of the exercise:

The places I will be applying to will be in the Clearinghouse for the same reason I am: they didn't match up. No matter how they try to spin it, I am picking from the leftovers.
It's unlikely that there will be positions open in Chicago. A lot of big schools tend to be in the middle of nowhere, and people want to live in the big city. Chicago is likely sold out.
At 10:00 am Central, a list goes out of all the programs that didn't match. Additionally, on an e-mail listserv, training directors can also post openings. This means that I will be a slave to my e-mail account.
So, I need to find a psychology internship that deals with kids, one preferably in the Midwest that at least pays something (some places are "unfunded"... which translates into "slave labor."), and is APA-approved.
Applications are basically done by e-mail, with my CV and my cover letter as my only materials. Places then might call me back for a quick interview. I'm told that positions are offered fairly quickly, to the point that some people start the day at 10:00 unmatched and have a job at 11:00.
An internship is necessary to graduate from my program. So, failure to secure one means that I'll have to postpone graduation for another year (From June '08 to '09). Right now, it's not sounding like such a horrible thing, given the alternatives.
Other than that, there are no rules.

As always, all times Central.

Sunday night -- I explained it to my father this way: "Remember when we had the fish tank and we would drop a couple of fish food flakes into the tank and all the fish would come zooming to the top to try to grab some food? It's like that. We're the fish. The programs are the fish-food flakes."

9:18 am -- I believe as a way to taunt those of us in the clearinghouse, APPIC just sent out their match statistics. 75% of those who applied matched. Of those, 45% matched to their first choice and roughly 80% to one of their top 3. There are now 296 positions unfilled at 150 programs, and 842 folks who are looking to fill them. That's about a 35% chance.

9:29 am -- Just got a call from my faculty advisor. She advises me to delete the tagline from my e-mail, "Ask me why I'm a Christian." This is non-negotiable. If you'd like to know the answer, click here.

9:51 am -- Tick tock, tick tock. At 10:00, the floodgates open.

10:10 am -- Florida, Texas, and California have the most openings. There's one in Atlanta that looks interesting. Free room, board, and Russian lessons sold separately.

11:34 am -- Sent out a flurry of e-mails. Got bites from two programs near Chicago (yay!), although one is strictly adult, the other is very psychodynamic (think Freud). Got nibbles from a place in NYC. May be asked to go to Allendale, Illinois for an interview at a site. At least someone is returning my phone calls.

11:55 am -- Prospects so far: Two sites in Chicago, as mentioned above. Two in California, one in Miami, one in Atlanta, one in NYC, one in upstate New York (Frederic Church country!), one in Providence (near Quahog), and one at Baylor in Houston. Unless others come through via e-mail, this might be the list.

11:59 am -- Already, the first e-mails are rolling in saying that positions have been filled. My, those fish sure swim fast.

12:24 pm -- Consulted with director of our mental health center. She gave me the scoop on Allendale, and said she'd make some phone calls. I've also been in almost constant contact with my research advisor. My poor cell phone. It's not gonna like me after today.

12:32 pm -- One possible option for folks out there is to do a military internship. You get 63K a year, but are then commissioned as a Captain in the Army and must serve 3 additional years. In other words, this is a sneaky way of recruiting.

12:39 pm -- Alright, a rundown of the places:

River Oak in Carmichael, CA. They work with kids, and their site is wonderfully non-helpful! Update from my advisor: "She sounded interested!" but "She had a few offers out."

Sharp Healthcare in San Diego. Seems to be mostly inpatient/hospital stuff. Not bad.

Marcus Institute in Atlanta. Mostly developmental disabilities (autism, MR), but it's in Atlanta...

Alexian Brothers Health Care in Chicago. Mostly adults. Talked to the DCT there, who said she wasn't ruling me out, but I'm not a really good fit...

Allendale Association in Chicago. My #1 choice. In Chicago (sorta, 50 mile commute each way...) Deals with kids. Big into Freud. Can't have everything in life.

North Bronx Healthcare Network in NYC. Hospital based. They at least e-mailed me back! Could be a lot like the time I spent at Cook County Hospital. ER fans in the room, the actual hospital looks nothing like that. And I didn't sleep with any of my co-workers.

Ulster County Mental Health in Kingston, NY. Seems fairly general. Anyone know where Kingston is?

Brown University Medical School in Providence, RI. Pediatric HIV Clinical Research. Not exactly my specialty, but then again, I am working as a stats consultant to such a project...

Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. Adult and Adolescent Psych rotation. Well, at least I know how to do one of those two things.

1:00 pm -- Alexian Brothers is filled. Another one bites the dust.

1:19 pm -- After about 50 messages from the Clearinghouse e-mail server, I've gotten my first spam message of the day, exhorting me to buy stock in some Canadian mineral company. I never thought I'd be that happy to get spam!

1:29 pm -- My faculty advisor has been calling a lot. So, every ten minutes, I have the hope that it's a program calling me. It's her. However, it's because she's basically taken up a position on my wing to call everyone at all of these sites. Back in high school, I founded a small cult to the worship of zebras. The work that she has put into today on my behalf makes her a candidate for the cult's highest honor, the Order of the Emu.

1:32 pm -- Over the weekend, having nothing else to do, I finished up a manuscript and sent it out to American Psychologist. I doubt it will be published there, but I figured that it's worth a shot. I've also crossed into the time zone where I should be working at my real job.

1:41 pm -- A position pops up on the e-mail in Massachusetts. I'll bite.

1:50 pm -- We're now reaching the point where nothing is happening. If you've ever watched "Without a Trace", you know that this probably isn't a good thing. Well, since I'm in the neighborhood, enjoy this.

1:52 pm -- A nibble from River Oak, which I found out is in Sacramento. Imagine me moving to the C-state.

1:56 pm -- And now a note from Allendale that says that they are processing all the applications they've gotten. All? Oh dear...

2:18 pm -- The silence is deafening.

2:24 pm -- San Diego and Houston are both out.

2:26 pm -- So is upstate New York.

2:36 pm -- There goes Atlanta. That one hurts, because I would have at least had some connection back to my wife. I could have lived in her old bedroom. Is that weird?

2:38 pm -- Friend Steve points out that there could have been multiple "Stay Classy San Diego" jokes... To that, I can only say, "Lou, how's the weather gonna be?" (Nice.)

2:46 pm -- RIP River Oak. No California sunshine for the Pizza Cutter.

2:57 pm -- I have the websites for each of the sites that are still in the running up on this computer. There are, sadly, only four little Windows left (Allendale, North Bronx, Brown University... please no jokes about friend Omar..., and somewhere in Massachusetts.)

3:05 pm -- Goodbye Boston... although I'll be there in a few weeks.

3:16 pm -- You know that point in the party where it's just time to go home? I think I've finally hit that point.

3:26 pm -- Another period of eerie silence. Most of what I'm getting is e-mail from friends telling me to keep my head up. Thanks much, to all of you.

3:28 pm -- Brown Medical School has decided not to fill their position at all. Only Allendale and NYC remain.

3:33 pm -- Last night, I did my usual Sunday night grocery run and call to my parents. I got to the store and as I was walking to the car, I noticed that something was awry. If you're the sort of person who takes the same things in your pocket each day, you know what I mean. I'd forgotten my wallet at home. Thankfully, this wasn't in the check out line.

3:48 pm -- Nothing.

3:56 pm -- A metaphor, if you will.

3:58 pm -- News out of New York. They've filled their spot. One place remains.

4:22 pm -- No word from Allendale. I called them and they are reviewing things. So, I'm now holding my breath to see what happens there.

5:09 pm -- Well, I'd love to post something here, but there are only so many ways to describe waiting in limbo. I've got no more bullets to fire. There's nothing left to do but sit and wait.

8:00 pm -- Resignation. It's not gonna happen this year. Looks like I start again here.

In the Clearinghouse

2007-02-24T14:11:00.000-05:00

I don't often do full on diary-blog entries, but this one is a big one. I might be moving to a random U.S. city in June, sans mon femme. It's not a matter of any relationship problem: We're doing fine, and in fact, that's what makes this such a heart-breaker. Yesterday, I received news from the organization that matches psychology graduate students with psychology internships. An internship is the final piece of a Ph.D. in my field, and the application process has been going on for the last eight months or so.

I didn't match. My biggest problem is that I applied exclusively in Chicago, primarily so that I could be near my wife. That was both for the fact that she's my wife and that after a hard day on the job (and in my field, I have plenty of them... calling in allegations of child abuse is a thrill a minute), she's amazing at calming me down. The Chicago internship market, on the other hand, is brutal. There are only a few internship programs (or at least, fewer than might be expected), and a lot of people are drawn to them because they want to live in a big city after spending five years at a university in the middle of nowhere. Plus, many of them are hyper-specialized, and I'm not a specialist by nature.

Those who don't match go into what is euphemistically called "The Clearinghouse." What it means is that Monday morning, a free-for-all starts among those applicants who didn't match and those programs who still need to fill spots. Signs point to none of those spots being in Chicago. It forces me into a position of either waiting another year and doing this all again next year, or trying to find something in another city. The latter means a new city in June, for a year long posting. The former basically means a year of a holding pattern (I refrain from using the phrase "a year wasted") professionally.

This was not part of the master plan. But, the Good Lord has sent me many blessings dressed in ridiculous packaging before.

Back for a quick check in

2007-02-22T18:09:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with an ethical issue: Should I talk about the Britney Spears case or not? As something of a pop-culture connoisseur and this being the biggest pop-culture/celebrity meltdown since Michael Jackson, maybe I should say something. It's odd because she's actually made Kevin Federline look like a fine, responsible, upstanding member of the community.

On to the news:

Meetings actually make things run worse
(Note to all bosses out there)

Next time someone wants to give you a hug, mace them
(Or something like that)

Man robs building next door to police dog training facility
(Could this be your future cellmate?)

Bright, shiny objects:

What Jim Henson really sounds like
(The Muppet Guy)

Jedi house party gets out of hand
(Alcohol and light sabers... not a good combo)

And now a word from our sponsors:

And finally:

Because I can: Eiffel 65.

Love Lobster? Beatboxing flute player?

2007-02-19T10:21:00.000-05:00

A few observations on life:

Yesterday was Forgiveness Sunday in the Orthodox Church, which marks the beginning of Great Lent. On this day, everyone in the church bows down before everyone else and asks forgiveness. It is the most powerful thing in which I have ever been involved. My hamstrings hurt, but to humble myself and ask even the 3-year-olds if they will forgive me what wrong I have done is something that I should do more often.

In other news, the Walgreens theory of the apocalypse is still alive and well. My wife and I went to buy a few supplies this weekend and saw this, a "Love Lobster", which seems to be a three-foot tall plush stuffed lobster in a questionable state of chemical enhancement (i.e., it looks drunk...) And it was half-off because Valentine's Day is over!

Because I can: Craig Ehlo.

And to make yourself feel out of breath and less than adequate, check out the beatboxing flute player.

2007-02-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

From my dad.

This week's theme:
Frederic Edwin Church

To finish off this week's theme, may I present Church's tribute to the American flag, produced around the time of the Civil War.

Our Banner in the Sky

On to the news:

Today's award for the oddest thing to steal
(And how to get caught...)

Today's award for the oddest animal story
("An Australian man who caught a 4ft shark with his bare hands says he only did it because he was drunk." Really?)

Today's award for people who need a cranial-rectal extraction
(This is brilliant stuff)

And finally:

After your weekly check of Is It Friday dot net, a bit of bad news. The blog will probably be scaled back or MIA for the next few weeks. I am an Orthodox Christian, and we are entering the season of Great Lent. I've decided to cut down on internet usage, which would include FIF. Not sure if it'll go away completely or not, but expect to see less of me for the next few weeks.

High Holy Days

2007-02-15T08:39:00.000-05:00

No blog today on account of it being one of the holiest days on the calendar. Today, I can say the four sacred words that I have longed to hear since the end of October. "Pitchers and catchers report."

Happy Angst Day!

2007-02-14T15:10:00.000-05:00

Is there a day on the calendar that promotes more angst than Valentine's Day? (Every year, J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks" enjoys a renaissance every year around this time.) I'm not a fan of the way that the day has evolved. There's a myth that the only love that "counts" is romantic love. Romantic love is wonderful, and I recommend it, but there's so much more to life than that. May I suggest C.S. Lewis's The Four Loves.

Today, may I suggest you appreciate exactly how many people love you. And tell them you love them. It doesn't have to be romantic. Just real.

This week's theme:
Frederic Edwin Church

West Rock, New Haven
(Absolutely gorgeous)

On to the news:

Austrian kids get a lesson in swearing
(From their teacher)

Greenpeace sends Valentine's in Japan
("Be our valentine and resign!")

Batman shuts down school
(Ummmm...)

And finally:

Short one today. Probably no blog tomorrow. My schedule's a little busy. However, until then, enjoy my new obsession song.

"Not if they're negative numbers!"

2007-02-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's happening!

U.S. subtly prepares for war with a country in the Euphrates valley based on shaky evidence.
Somewhere out there, someone is preparing to use a cheesy song tomorrow.
Marty Schottenheimer got fired for losing a playoff game.
Al-Qaeda deputy releases a grainy video-taped message and... calls for unity and understanding?

In other words, nothing new is going on.

This week's theme:
Frederic Edwin Church

There's been a traveling exhibit of Church paintings going around the country, but not stopping off anywhere in the Midwest. :-( It's one of those things that I would actually travel out somewhere to see these things, if I had time. They're currently in Princeton, NJ. Some day, I'd like to go to Olana, Church's home in the Hudson Valley. I've even kicked around the idea of writing a screenplay/novel based on Church, and I suppose I could write off the trip as a work-related expense.

In any case, here's a few more paintings to gawk at.

Cotopaxi, from Church's travels in South America.
Chimborazo, from the same series.

On to the news:

Entire nation responds to accusations of fictional character
(High five!)

College finally points out the obvious
(As a professor, I suppose we only have ourselves to blame on this one)

Chocolate baths for Valentine's Day?
(That actually sounds rather disgusting)

Bright, shiny objects:

How do I recycle this?
(Into recycling? Got something you have no idea what do with?)

Another in the "Choose Your Own Adventure" vein
(I know, I did one yesterday...)

Today's random "next blog":

Pro Photo Learning Center
(Seems to be a collaborative blog about professional photography. This is the fun of the "next blog" button)

Today's strange anniversary:

February 13, 1959 -- Barbie doll goes on sale.

Fun fact of the day:

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

And finally:

Last night, as my wife and I were going to bed, my wife teasingly told me that I should get out because she got to the bed first. I replied using my standard comeback that "I was here second and two is a higher number than one." I've been using that for ten years (in all honesty, I stole it from here), and I'd never had anyone mount a comeback to it. Her response: "Not if they're negative numbers." I love my wife.

More on Iceland--Lithuania relations

2007-02-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

Sifting through the news today, I found that there were a few stories that were related to my actual professional job as a child psychologist. I know I toyed around with the idea of doing a baseball blog, but I want to do a psychology blog too. Today, we find out that adoptive parents are actually better parents than biological parents, and that there's a renewed focus on academic burnout in fourth grade. That, combined with the news that autism rates are on the rise, means that there's a lot of child psychology news.

This is the problem with blogging. It's addictive.

This week's theme:
Frederic Edwin Church

FIF goes high-brau this week, featuring one of my favorite painters, Frederic Edwin Church. Church was a member of the first truly American school of painting, the Hudson River School, which focused on painting the American landscape in the mid-to-late 19th century.

My personal favorite painting by the man is "Twilight in the Wilderness" from the collection of the Cleveland Art Museum.

On to the news:

Hunter shoots washing machine
(Hunting at home... maybe not such a good idea)

Restaurant offers free meals to the hungry
(So to speak)

Looking for a Valentine's Day date?
(Maybe these aren't the best prospects)

Bright, shiny objects:

Engrish.com just made a great soccer joke, but no one would get it
(If you have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand the answer)

Choose your own adventure, the online video Valentine's Day edition
(Remember these from grade school?)

Today's random "next blog":

Random thoughts and associations
(You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a blog by its title)

The Monday playlist feature:

Well, it's Valentine's week. So, I should probably pick a memorable Valentine's Day to recall on this week's playlist. Around my house, there's a framed poem that I wrote for my wife back when we were dating on Valentine's Day 2002. I actually wrote to her parents and asked if they would send me a particular picture of my wife so that I could incoporate it in. They did, and that's when I knew that they liked me. Anyway, here's what we were listening to back then.

5) The Calling -- Wherever You Will Go

4) Usher -- U Got It Bad

3) Linkin Park -- In the End

2) No Doubt -- Hey Baby

1) Pink -- Get This Party Started

Today's strange anniversary:

February 12, 1991 -- Iceland recognizes Lithuania's independence. Apparently, this was a big enough event that someone felt the need to write it down.

Fun fact of the day:

Many northern parishes (counties) of Louisiana did not agree with the Confederate movement. To show their disapproval, they changed their names. That's why there is a Union Parish, Jefferson Parish, etc.

And finally:

I don't get the point of dog shows in general, but MSNBC has a whole section of their website devoted to the Westminster Kennel Club show. Rent Best in Show and you'll never be able to think of a dog show the same way.

How my wife made chicken fillets using zen

2007-02-09T16:47:00.000-05:00

Last night at dinner, my wife and I were recounting the time when we were at a friend's house trying to make fried chicken. My wife is a vegetarian. There were four other people in the kitchen, yet none of us could figure out how to fillet the chicken in front of us. My wife, the vegetarian, took over and did a fantastic job. We were laughing about that story last night when she said, "Yeah, it was all thanks to the Chinese Religions class I took in college." I stopped and pondered what exactly people were studying over in the religious studies department (my wife was a religion minor... we both went to the same college) She continued, "The professor told a story of a man to explain the concept of zen. He was a butcher and he was so good that it was said that his knife never dulled. When asked, the butcher said that he was just in a zen state that he was able to just follow the bone with no problems." My wife reasoned then that she should just follow the bones. So, next time you're about to disparage someone for picking such a useless major at a liberal arts college, remember: you actually learn valuable life skills.

This week's theme:
Trekkie music videos

I'm saddened that the I love the 90s theme had to go. I actually checked last night, and the videos are all gone. I guess I'll have to wait until it comes back on VH-1 (which will no doubt be within the next 24 hours).

Anyway, a musical tribute to the greatest tradition in Star Trek, the guy in the red shirt getting killed. Music by Queen.

On to the news:

Today's least justifiable excuse for a divorce
(Pumpkin pie?)

Psychic museum closes down
(Due to unforeseen circumstances!)

Truck driver spills 40 tons of cow intestines all over Wisconsin
(Yummy)

Bright, shiny objects:

Where to hide your money from burglars
(Advice from a former burglar)

The Luke Johnson phone experiment
(Give this guy a call. Tell him that he's on FIF.)

Today's random "next blog":

Grain of Sand
(Kirby Plays World Game... I don't know what that means either)

And now a word from our sponsors:

And finally:

It's time for our weekly check of Is It Friday Dot Net!

The hoohaa monologues

2007-02-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's legitimate.

This week's theme:
Trekkie music videos

A man in Star Trek uniform shirt sings about being a nerd... Imagine that
(Nerd Pride!)

On to the news:

Need a good way to waste time?
(Watch cheddar age!)

Vagina Monologues has to change its name in Florida
(This is worth a cheap laugh)

Urine-town: the musical
(Sponsored by the Omaha Urology Institute!)

Malaysian colleges offer courses on how to clean toilets
(Wife, don't say it)

Quote of the day:

"Get ready... for the violence... of the lambs."

Bright, shiny objects:

Nintendo humor, live on stage
(And you kno you'll catch all the references)

Mice on drugs
(All in the name of science. Interesting for about 30 seconds, but a good 30 seconds)

Today's random "next blog":

4th Avenue Blues
(A man with schizophrenia blogs about his life. As a clinical psychologist, I encourage you to read this one and gain a little more understanding about schizophrenia)

Today's strange anniversary:

February 8, 1992 -- "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred peaks at #1. America, go hang your collective heads in shame.

Fun fact of the day:

A-1 Steak Sauce contains both orange peel and raisins.

T-shirt of the week:

Salute your shorts!
(Here's to failed Nickelodeon shows)

And finally:

I can already feel the sunshine.

Pimp My Bathroom

2007-02-07T13:14:00.000-05:00

It's Valentine's Day next week, so without fail, all of the jewelry stores are out with their commercials. One of them, Kay Jewelers has their increasingly-annoying "every kiss begins with Kay" slogan. (Not since, "Oooooooooooh, that's Jared!" has a jewelry store been so annoying) My wife pointed out that every kick begins (and ends!) with Kay as well. Food for thought, guys, if you're out shopping.

"Here's a diamond, sweetie." (Doubles over in pain.) "Here's another one..."

This week's theme:
Trekkie music videos

Star Trek... meet Rocky Horror Picture Show

On to the news:

More about mini-pigs
(A wedding?)

Man deposits marijuana at a bank
(Must have been good stuff)

Quote of the day:

"The average person spends 11,862 hours in the bathroom, which equals one year, four months and five days in a lifetime... a toilet should be the most wonderful location in your home." -- Steven Pollyea, vice president of marketing for Roto-Rooter plumbing on the company's new "pimped out" john.

America, we've finally gotten to "Pimp My Bathroom."

Bright, shiny objects:

Selling dental health using the world's oldest advertising technique
(Think of it as an ode to a certain pearly white substance)

Learn Dutch, the easy way
(Part Five!)

Today's random "next blog":

Usually, I don't post political blogs
(But it's Canadian politics, so it doesn't count)

Today's strange anniversary:

February 7, 1936 -- A flag is authorized for the Vice President. You didn't know that D-Chains had his own flag, eh?

Fun fact of the day:

How do gun silencers work?
(Straight dope knows everything!)

And finally:

NASA today said that in light of the recent diaper-clad astronaut stalker woman story, they'll be re-vamping their psychological assessments to try to screen these folks out and they'll be looking into her past to see if there were any warning signs which they should have noticed. I teach classes in psychology, and one of my favorite activities to do with the class is to have them imagine that they've all just been arrested on national television for double murder or some other big crime. Then, I encourage them to take a look into their own lives and come up with all the "reasons that we should have known." Everyone has things in their past that qualify as "warning signs." This kind of post hoc ergo propter hoc thinking will end up with a bunch of wild theories that people will believe completely, and then I will no doubt have to explain why they aren't true. Here's to job security!

See can anyone matters really nothing

2007-02-06T14:32:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's happening!

Congress is going to tax terrorism. That'll show Osama!
The moron count in America is apparently going up
Well what do you know? Letting kids play with the oven isn't a good idea
Teenagers feel bad after sex

In other words, nothing new is happening.

This week's theme:
Trekkie music videos!

Another in our "I watched entirely too much Star Trek: The Next Generation" series. The entire episode catalog of the show, set to music. If you're a hardcore fan of the show, you have got to see this.

On to the news:

If you thought Paris Hilton's miniature chihuahua was annoying, wait until you see this.
(Mini-pig?)

Today's least justified grand theft auto
(Of a police car, no less)

Quote of the day:

O. J. Simpson on why he hopes that his If I Did It never comes out: "It made it look too much like an admission of guilt,” Simpson said to the Palm Beach Post. “I wasn’t happy with the hypothetical paragraphs. A ghostwriter wrote the whole thing, and I OK’d it. But there were a lot of inaccuracies about the case and about how I would have done things. But I figure I’d let it go since I didn’t kill anyone."

O. J., are you listening to me? No.

Bright, shiny objects:

If the robots win, we'll have to listen to techno
(Lite Brite music video?)

And the award for most creative waste of time
(Counting numbers in 5000 languages... you know you're curious)

Today's random "next blog":

Deep Navy Blue
(Someone's diary blog. Seems like she puts a lot of effort into it.)

Today's strange anniversary:

February 6, 1990 -- Steve Briers of Wales recited the entire lyrics of Queen's album "A Night At The Opera" in 9 minutes & 58.44 seconds backwards! And Mimi Marquez, clad only in bubble wrap will perform her famous lawn chair/handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred.

Fun fact of the day:

Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

And finally:

Today, I booked more stops on my American tour. We're going to Atlanta to see the world's cutest nieces at the end of the month, and then I'm going to spend four days in Boston for a conference. Nyah nyah, I get to see Fenway Park.

Da Bears, Chewbacca, Europe, floating porcupines, and diapers

2007-02-05T17:11:00.000-05:00

Chicago is going through its post-mortems around the Bears' loss. No word on if the city will have a "second place" parade. If they have one, no one will go. It's so cold that I don't think anyone would show up if they had won the thing. It's so cold that within 15 seconds this morning, my nose hairs were frozen (I know, that's much more than you ever wanted to know about me).

But, in good news...

This week's theme:
Trekkie Music Videos?

Nerd Pride! Here's "Starfleet Rhapsody". You'll only get the jokes if you followed the Next Generation.

On to the news:

Chewbacca arrested
(Today's been a weird one)

Woman wins big jackpot at casino
(A baby)

Cat gets credit card
(Dead people vote all the time in Chicago... what's the big deal?)

Police chief gives himself a ticket
(Finally, an honest cop!)

Quote of the day:

A feature I just dreamed up... let's see if it becomes regular.

Upon running into a deer while out skiing, a doctor remarked: "My first thought was, 'What hit me?...a (snow) boarder? drunk skier? linebacker?'"

Linebacker?

Bright, shiny objects:

Engrish.com is getting a little forward with us
(I'll be sure to call you.)

Take a bad song to try to cover. Do a bad job.
(Unintentional comedy rating: high)

Today's random "next blog":

Romanian poetry
(In translation... I told you these things were random)

The Monday playlist feature:

I actually checked and the I Love the 90s videos were still up. In theory, today would have been 1994. But, in case I revive the 90s theme for next week, I'll put that off. Nah, I'm in the mood for something 80s. So, let's see what America was listening to around this time in 1987.

5) Samantha Fox -- Touch Me (I Want Your Body)

4) Billy Vera and the Beaters -- At This Moment (YouTube's only sorta heard of it... Here's a cover)

3) Bon Jovi -- Livin' on a Prayer (It's OK... it would be the first thing I click on too.)

2) Cyndi Lauper -- Change of Heart

1) Madonna (why is she in every single countdown I do?) -- Open Your Heart

So, we have two one-hit wonders of whom I've never even heard, Bon Jovi, Cyndi Lauper (when did she ever put that song out?) and Madonna. I love the 80s... or was it 90s. Hard to tell any more.

Today's strange anniversary:

February 5, 1783 -- Sweden recognizes US independence. Thanks guys. 7 years late. And ABBA sucks.

Fun fact of the day:

All porcupines float in water. (I'm so gonna get sued for this one.)

And finally:

I saw this one as I was completing the blog as a late-breaking news story on MSNBC.

Headline: Astronaut arrested in alleged kidnap attempt.

ORLANDO, Fla. - An astronaut drove from Houston to Florida, donned a disguise and confronted a woman she believed was romantically involved with a space shuttle pilot she was in love with, police said. She was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts.

OK, so far it's just a normal average everyday story.

U.S. Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, 43, who flew last July on a shuttle mission to the international space station, was also charged with attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. She was denied bail.

So these are the people that get to go into space?

Police said Nowak drove from her home in Houston to the Orlando International Airport — wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate — to confront Colleen Shipman.

So... she drove to an airport 900 miles away... when she could have just flown. In a diaper. I think we're seeing a pattern starting to form.

Nowak believed Shipman was romantically involved with Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, a pilot during space shuttle Discovery's trip to the space station last December, police said.

My brother's response: Gives new meaning to the term "mile high club."

Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Police officers recovered a love letter to Oefelein in her car.

If you've seen Wedding Crashers... start thinking about Isla Fisher's character.

NASA spokesman James Hartsfield in Houston said that, as of Monday, Nowak's status with the astronaut corps remained unchanged. "What will happen beyond that, I will not speculate," he said. Hartsfield said he couldn't recall the last time an astronaut was arrested and said there were no rules against fraternizing among astronauts.

Well, that answers all the "Why does NASA have so many problems?" questions. Isn't James Hartsfield the lead singer of Metallica?

When she found out that Shipman was flying to Orlando from Houston, Nowak decided to confront her, according to the arrest affidavit. Nowak drove the 900-mile trip from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers, police said.
Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

Yeah, that was too much information.

Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, Nowak boarded an airport bus that Shipman took to her car in an airport parking lot. Shipman told police she noticed someone following her, hurried inside the car and locked the doors, according to the arrest affidavit. Nowak rapped on the window, tried to open the car door and asked for a ride. Shipman refused but rolled down the car window a few inches when Nowak started crying. Nowak then sprayed a chemical into Shipman's car, the affidavit said. Shipman drove to the parking lot booth, and the police were called.

I think we have a visual... I think we have a visual. Wig. Trench coat. Diaper. Now, let's play a game of "Good Idea, Bad Idea." If you saw that rapping on your window, would you roll the window down?

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

She blamed it on MacGyver.

Inside Nowak's vehicle, which was parked at a nearby motel, authorities uncovered a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves and e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein. They also found a letter "that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein," an opened package for a buck knife, Shipman's home address and hand written directions to the address, the arrest affidavit said.

Police said Nowak told them that she only wanted to scare Shipman into talking to her about her relationship with Oefelein and didn't want to harm her physically.

"If you were just going to talk to someone, I don't know that you would need a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray," said Sgt. Barbara Jones, a spokeswoman for the Orlando Police Department. "It's just really a very sad case. ... Now she ends up finding herself on the other side of the law with some very serious charges."

Thanks for clearing that one up for us, Barbara.

If convicted of attempted kidnapping, Nowak could face a maximum of life in prison. It was not immediately known whether Nowak had an attorney.

According to NASA's official biography, Nowak is married with three children. During her 13-day mission in July she operated the robotic arm during three spacewalks. Oefelein piloted the space shuttle Discovery in December. He has two children, according to a NASA biography.

Do you ever look around you and wonder how it is that our species survives?

Live-blogging the Super Bowl

2007-02-04T18:27:00.000-05:00

Well, it's America's cultural icon and as a male, I have to watch, despite the fact that I don't really like football. Welcome to the Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!) liveblog of Super Bowl XLI. Mostly because of the commercials. I suppose that since I'm in Chicago, I have to cheer for the Bears. All times Central.

5:27 pm -- Well now, that was quick. I sat down to watch the game and Devin Hester returns the opening kick for a TD. Bears 7-0. However, this has some precedent and that doesn't look good for the Bears.

5:31 pm -- The Bears are wearing their classic blue unis. And the announcers are saying that it's a mostly Chicago crowd. How can you tell the difference between Chicago and Indianapolis? There's people in Chicago.

5:34 pm -- My wife is watching this game with me. She is more confused than I. After about two near interceptions, the Bears intercept a pass. First commercial break coming up.

5:35 pm -- Bud Light's Rock, Paper, Scissors commercial leads it off and that's brilliant (8 out of 10). The Doritos commercial made no sense (3 out of 10). The Blockbuster commercial (clicking on the mouse) was catchy and caused some laughter (7 out of 10). Back to the game.

5:38 pm -- What's with CBS trying to be all funky with their player introductions? Heavy bass-line. Rex almost gets picked off. Bad Rex. Bears punt.

5:39 pm -- Wife has the following thought on watching the game: "It's like watching Univision. I know that they're saying something and that it's all relevant, but I don't understand it." I love my wife.

5:40 pm -- The Sierra Mist commercials... with Michael Ian Black. They... just... don't... work. Go back to I Love the 90s, Michael. (3 out of 10)

5:43 pm -- I don't pretend to know what's going on football-wise. I've played some Madden, but I'm no expert. However, the announcers are making a point that Peyton Manning's thumb, despite being really beaten up, is not affecting his game. I suppose he just naturally sucks that much. For grits and shiggles, check out PeytonManning.com, including his personal journal.

5:45 pm -- It's raining in Miami. Must be rough.

5:46 pm -- TD Indy. Peyton throws the ball really far and for some reason, the Bears left the wide receiver wide open by about 15 yards.

5:47 pm -- I'll be, I make a joke about the rain, and it causes a fumble on the extra point. Bears 7-6.

5:49 pm -- Ford's got John Goodman doing their voice overs. Solid. (5 out of 10). Bud Light's auctioneer wedding was fantastic. (8 out of 10 for 30 seconds of fun.)

5:51 pm -- And again, weather causes a fumble on the kickoff. Update: and on the next play! Maybe they should call a rain delay.

5:52 pm -- The Bears running back guy (sad that I don't know my own team) just ran for 50 yards. Bear down Chicago Bears! Sounds like they're giving birth.

5:54 pm -- TD Bears! It was some sort of pass play. Bears 14-6.

5:55 pm -- Snickers "accidental kiss". Good pemise, but the ripping chest hair off was kinda rough. "Quick! Do something manly!" (7.5 out of 10). Wife laghed, though. The rest of the commercials were eminently forgetable.

5:58 pm -- Chevy's commercial featuring all the songs that have ever mentioned Chevy went on entirely too long (4 out of 10... 3 when you figure that I bought a Toyota). Bud Light's "no speak English" commercial was good up until the end, when it was excellent. (8 out of 10. My wife wants to give it an extra half point because she's an immigrant. Yes, dear.)

6:01 pm -- There's apparently a Chicago Bear named "Danielle Manning." Peyton, Danielle. What's with all the Mannings with girls' names? The Colts just punted.

6:04 pm -- Apparently there are "force outs" in football. I soooooo miss baseball right now. Also, I was trolling through YouTube and found this. Not really related to anything, but it's funny.

6:05 pm -- No one wants to hold on to the football. Colts have the ball after a fumble.

6:08 pm -- My wife and I just had another one of our crazy synchronous moments. She and I were both wondering why they were using the Chemical Brother's "Galvanize" She also added that the guys jumping into each other's arms was purely heterosexual, just like the Snickers commercial. I love my wife.

6:12 pm -- And now a Cleveland reference. The Bears just tried Metcalf-up-the-Middle on 3rd and 7.

6:15 pm -- End of the 1st Quarter, 14-6 Bears. More commercials! Go Daddy.com wants me to buy a domain name by showing me semi-clad women (4 out of 10. Try again. Wife's review: "eh.") Coke is running a commercial in which the guy from Grand Theft Auto goes around doing good deeds (5.5 out of 10).

6:18 pm -- My wife is ordering pizza. We figure we'll order now, because we'll be hungry in 2 hours.

6:22 pm -- Apparenty, the announcers failed Kindegarden. "Marvin Harrison is out on the right side of the offense." Problem was that he was on the left side. Colts kick an FG. Bears 14, Colts 9.

6:23 pm -- My wife and I just exchanged "What the hell?" glances after Budweiser did their "dalmation" ad (5 out of 10). The navigation system one where they basically tried to take the Beastie Boys video for Intergalactic and make it an ad didn't work (4 out of 10).

6:27 pm -- Wife continues to sit there and knit. It's entirely possible that she's made me a sweater since this game began. Update: no sweater. :(

6:28 pm -- Careerbuilder.com: What was that about? (4.5 out of 10 for extreme confusion) The Doritos commercial was just... creepy (4 out of 10). The Chevy commercial with all the naked guys washing down the car was just... well... considering that a car is often considered an extension of a man's... uh... how to put this... well, was that perhaps vaguely... how to say this? (5.5 out of 10)

6:32 pm -- Announcer: "I get issues, and I guess I have to talk about it all the time." Where's Tim McCarver when you need him? I think the Colts are driving.

6:34 pm -- The Bears are losing. My city will no doubt be burning within the next hour. It'll warm things up. Colts 16, Bears 14.

6:36 pm -- Budweiser wants us to slap people as a way of saying, "Way to go!" (6 out of 10. They need to go back to the Bud Bowl. I miss the animated beer cans playing football.) I don't recall any of the other commercials. They were that good.

6:38 pm -- An out-of-work, suicidal laid off... robot. With "All by Myself" as the theme. All this to tell us that everyone at GM is obsessed with quality.

No. (5.5 out of 10)

6:42 pm -- Prince is apparently doing the halftime show. Lewis Black's theory of if you want to see where American pop culture is at any moment, look at the Super Bowl halftime show is officially dead.

6:45 pm -- My wife just re-pierced her own ear. I realize it's been 20 minutes since I wrote something about the game. 2:00 warning!

6:46 pm -- Tim Allen and John Travolta are in a movie together... oh dear. Sprint just did their "Connectile Dysfunction" ad. Now that's a (9 out of 10). It was so perfectly parodied. Beautiful. I laughed. I cried. I want wireless broadband.

6:49 pm -- Another fumble. Bears have it. Update: Another fumble. Colts have it.

6:51 pm -- OK, a thought to all the Madden players out there: Do you feel like you should have your joystick in your hand calling these plays?

6:53 pm -- I hate to be "that guy", but we get it. Both coaches are African-American. Coke has run a Black History commerical, so has Lays. The thing I like about the Super Bowl is that we no longer have to hear that story line again.

6:55 pm -- Now, we're at the end of the half and the teams are exchanging time outs. Colts are lining up for a field goal. No good! Wide left. Scott Norwood would be proud. Halftime approaches. Colts 16, Bears 14.

6:59 pm -- KFC just ran an add with no special effects, music, narration, or point. Just a bucket of chicken and an understated commercial. (6.5 out of 10). At least it didn't fall flat.

7:01 pm -- At halftime, grown men are talking about "ball security."

7:06 pm -- Now, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince. The stage is set up in the shape of his "symbol" and now the fans are on the field. What exactly is the man wearing on his head? When was the last time that he was relevant? 1999? (Wife's comment: "He looks like Aunt Jemima with that thing on his head.")

7:09 pm -- Was Britney Spears not available this year? Wife wants to know if Prince will have a wardrobe malfunction.

7:10 pm -- Prince is covering a medley of James Brown and Tina Turner. I don't get what the funky marching band is doing there. In fact, I just don't quite get it. It's a good energetic performance, but when you're at the Super Bowl and you're Prince, you sing Raspberry Beret.

7:14 pm -- Pizza's here! My wife just gave the delivery guy a $7 tip for being out when it's -3 degrees before the wind chill.

7:25 pm -- Time for the sideline reports. Both coaches told their teams to work hard, believe in themselves, give 110%, and every other cliche in the book. During the post-game, I'll be doing a cliche count.

7:28 pm -- One of the Chicago Bears just asked Oprah Winfrey to marry him on the air. Sorta. (Not quite as good as this one, but still...) One more reminder that the Super Bowl has nothing to do with football.

7:34 pm -- Like most of America, I'm not really all that interested in the game any more. That'll happen again in about half an hour. Have the Colts run every single play to this Joseph Addai guy? Also, the rain is starting to get ridiculous. Everyone's running around soaked.

7:39 pm -- Field goal Colts. 19-14. Disney is putting out a movie called Meet the Robinsons. E*Trade's bank robbery commercial was pretty funny. (7.5 out of 10) They needed to start it off ala Pulp Fiction with "Everybody hold up! This is a robbery!" Coke's parade commercial got a "WTF" from my wife. That about sums it up. (5 out of 10)

7:43 pm -- Bud Light (apparently all they do is Super Bowl commercials) checks in with two gorillas trying to get Bud Light (6 out of 10, maybe 6.5 for comedy factor). Then, Sheryl Crow, who now apparently writes all of her songs to become jingles for commercials advertises for Revlon color with her song "Not Fade Away." Wife looked at me and said, "She just won a William Shatner Award, didn't she?" Yeah, she did.

7:47 pm -- The Chicago Bears have apparently forgotten which way they are supposed to be going.

7:48 pm -- Careerbuilder.com checks in with more people pretending they are on "Lost" with office supplies (6 out of 10). Two lions try to pronounce "carrrrrrrrrne" for Taco Bell. What do lions have to do with Taco Bell? (5.5 out of 10).

7:55 pm -- Toyota did a truck commercial that I think was exactly the same as one that Ford ran in the first quarter. Update: It was the same commercial. Shows you how well I pay attention. Emerald Nuts (whom I've never heard of) ran a commercial with Robert Goulet. My wife asked who's Robert Goulet. Well now, thanks for wasting $1.5 million, Emerald Nuts. Oh yeah, the Colts kicked a FG. 22-14 Colts.

7:57 pm -- The Colts have been kicking away from Devin Hester and some guy named Gilmore keeps picking up the kickoffs. My wife keeps thinking of Gilmore Girls, longingly. I have to admit, I'd rather be watching that too. Is that un-manly? Quick, I should rip out some chest hair.

7:59 pm -- KEVIN FEDERLINE!!! "Federline! Fries!" (11 out of 10.)

8:00 pm -- "Should we pick him up? He has Bud Light." "He has an axe!" "Yeah, but he had Bud Light." Want to know what car rides with my wife are like? Just watch that commercial over and over. (9 out of 10.)

8:04 pm -- The Bears actually scored! 22-17 on a field goal. This might actually end up being a close game.

8:10 pm -- Turning point of the game. Marvin Harrison's catch that was almost ruled a non-catch. Unless of course, I look back on this and say "What was I thinking?"

8:12 pm -- Cargill (who?) just ran a commercial saying that they were proud of developing an ice cream truck, but for animal feed... in Poland. (pi out of ten).

8:15 pm -- Budweiser. Crabs. Huh? (7 out of 10). (Wife's review: drink Bud, get crabs. There's a great message.) The Honda CRV tried to make itself look... hip... fly... uh, dope... what do you kids say now?

8:19 pm -- Friend Omar sent me this, that was apparently on in some markets. Well now, time to get political in the middle of the Super Bowl.

8:21 pm -- The dagger just went into the heart of the city of Chicago. Indy just returned an interception for a TD. Bad Rex.

8:26 pm -- Izod just celebrated the fact that they are the world's preppiest clothing company. I think it's an old commercial. I didn't understand the Jay-Z Budweiser commercial. Update: Friend Omar explained the commercial to me. Beyonce will blow for Jay-Z. Use your clean mind.

8:31 pm -- Another Rex Grossman interception. Well, that about wraps it up.

8:33 pm -- Time for a Flomax commercial! I've never heard so many euphemisms for urination (wife corrects me: micturation). Peeing!

Things you can do with one finger from E*Trade! Best commercial of the night not involving Kevin Federline. (9.5 out of 10).

8:41 pm -- Time for Rex Grossman to pull a Joe Montana. I even kept a straight face while I typed that.

8:44 pm -- Or maybe not. Chicago goes out on downs and now it's just formality of running out the clock.

8:48 pm -- My wife just made the most astute football observation of the night: "Has Chicago had the ball in... a while?" This from the woman who's been asking me all night what happens if the receiver doesn't catch the ball and how the system of downs works.

8:51 pm -- Two minute warning. They're repeating commercials. Peyton Manning will finally get the "can't win the big game" monkey off his back. Alex Rodriguez, take heart.

8:56 pm -- Under a minute left. Bears look like a beaten team.

8:58 pm -- Your 2007 NFL Champions, the Indianapolis Colts (-7). Start the cliche counter.

9:00 pm -- Pitchers and catchers report in 10 days! Next year will be the Browns' year. Are they any good? Is it baseball season yet?

9:04 pm -- Can I just say the old guy in the heart costume walking around and getting beat up is just... odd.

9:11 pm -- Winning the Super Bowl is the greatest achievement in team sports? What happened to Paul Tagliabue? Is he dead?

9:12 pm -- You just won the Super Bowl, let's start off with thinking about a tragedy. And thank God. Because God really cares who wins the Super Bowl.

9:13 pm -- Jesus for MVP! I was watching the Super Bowl and a tent revival broke out. Rob Irsay thanks God for providing such good moving vans out of Baltimore 25 years ago.

9:15 pm -- Peyton Manning: Six cliches in 20 seconds! Did we mention that Tony Dungee is black? Is this the most lacksadaisical celebration of a major sports championship that anyone's ever seen?

9:21 pm -- Well, Chicago will be depressed for the next week, but life will continue. I suppose it's time to close up here. Until next time because this time was indeed better than last time, I am and will continue to be the Pizza Cutter. This has been the Foreign Intelligence Files. Say good night, DJ Chia Pet.

9:26 pm -- P.S., now I'm watching coverage in the aftermath. I can't shake memories of this.

Happy St. Groundhog's Day

2007-02-02T17:25:00.000-05:00

Apparently, a woodland creature poked his head up somewhere in central Pennsylvania and predicted that we will have six more months of basketball.

Speak of, it's only two more weeks until pitchers and catchers report.

This week's theme:
1993

Here's the last of 1993. Well, that was the second last. Here is the last of 1993.

The scary thing is that I sent my first e-mail in 1993, at the age of 13. We had a 486 PS/2 (top of the line!), a 2400 bps modem and Prodigy. I don't even know if Prodigy still exists...

Update: MSNBC just posted this story, in which Viacom, who owns VH-1, is suing YouTube to have all their material taken down. This means that the I Love the 90s episodes are probably toast. This means that next week, I have to find an actual theme.

On to the news:

You put what in your hair?
(Not for the faint of heart)

62-year-old retiree whacks 17-year-old thief with frying pan
(Awesome!)

And finally:

The entirety of the city of Chicago is a giant ball of nerves in anticipation of one question that can only be answered on Sunday: Will Kevin Federline's commercial be the best of the bunch? Find out with me as I live-blog the Su... the... major championship football game... can't say that either?... the "Country Music Awards" (I guess I'll have to call it that because I can't say Super Bowl.)

Update: Maybe not. I may be going elsewhere for a Super Bowl party.

Make a sound like a dying giraffe

2007-02-01T11:34:00.000-05:00

I've decided to write a book this summer. Not entirely sure what book I'll write, but the whole point is that by the summer, I'll be done with my dissertation! I've toyed around with the idea of writing a book on teaching psychology (or research methods) through baseball or perhaps digging deeply into my Sabermetric side and write something along those lines. I've also thought about writing the novel that I've had kicking around in my head for a while. An odd thought: With the disser done, I'll actually have time to take on something like that. Crazy thought.

Also, Sunday, since the Bears are in the Sup... uh, the large championship football game held this Sunday, which will be super, I suppose I have to watch. Since I have to watch and because it's a cultural event, I will attempt to live-blog the experience. Stay tuned.

This week's theme:
1993

The year in music, where thankfully, I can now post the year in review from Chicago's Q101, instead of the overly poppy Rock on the Net. Compare the two and laugh. Also, the year in movies. Unlike some other years, there aren't any real moaners at the top of the list... except Free Willy, which has become a campy icon. And it marked the exact end of Michael Jackson's "normal" phase. (You know you want to click on the song and sing along... don't hide on that one.) Lori Petty ("Tank Girl") was in this movie? So was Bubba from Forrest Gump!

On to the news:

And the award for dumbest criminal of the day goes to...
(At least he wasn't the usual one who left a picture of himself)

Search is on for Miss Nuclear Russia 2007
(Russian women are hot! ;-)

Mary Poppins can't spell supercalafra... ah you know what I mean
(Apparently, I can't either)

Four in five people state the obvious
(Something that I do every day)

Bright, shiny objects:

And now, more people randomly breaking into the Thriller dance
(I should have made Thriller this week's theme)

How to give a "man hug"
(Required viewing for men)

Today's random "next blog":

For some reason, the next blog button isn't working, so I guess I'll just link the blog of a high school classmate of mine who popped onto FIF and said hello. It was the first thing I'd heard from him since 1998.

Jason's Blog
(Hail to the green and gold!)

Today's strange anniversary:

February 1, 1959 -- Swiss males vote against voting rights for women.

Fun fact of the day:

Giraffes have no vocal cords.

T-shirt of the week:

The Hungry Hungry Hippos finally speak
(Anyone else think this game was a pre-school training groung for Binge Eating Disorder?)

And finally:

Another sign of the Apocalypse, thanks to your good friends at Walgreens. Every month, my wife and I try to take advantage of the specials advertised in their monthly circular. On an ad hawking their knock-off brand shampoo: "Stock up! Limit 2." Yeah, we sure can stock up.

A dog's revenge

2007-01-31T15:26:00.000-05:00

Another reason that I need a camera in my cell phone: I was out doing some work, driving around Chicago. I actually saw a sign in Korea-town that said "Live Korean BBQ." Harsh place. I never understood why people would put cameras in their phones until I started blogging.

This week's theme:
1993

I'm not in much of a mood to write anything clever here today. Here's your daily dose (here and here)

On to the news:

Man loses wife in a game of poker
(Is the proper verb "lose"?)

Man looking to rent girlfriend
(If I'm not mistaken, that's the world's oldest profession)

Bright, shiny objects:

Santa's sleigh training
(Someone clearly has a sense of humor at the North Pole... too bad global warming will cause Santa to move.)

A white Hungarian man rapping about the war
(I'm not making this up... if you click on nothing else today...)

Today's random "next blog":

Braking news
(Looks like computer-related news. Perfect for your favorite techno-geek.)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 31, 1928 -- Scotch tape 1st marketed by 3-M Company. Happy birthday to Scotch tape?

Fun fact of the day:

The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."

And finally:

Where was this song when I was in high school? I would have been singing it all day. Perhaps this is why they waited 10 years to release it.

In famer, you know so hagadablealeekysay, a-lickity boom boom down

2007-01-30T11:28:00.000-05:00

It's time for our usual Tuesday look around the world to see what's happening!

Microsoft is putting out another Windows product that will completely revolutionize computing as we know it. At least that's what the computer geeks say.
The Hubble telescope is broken again. I hope those astronauts can get off it in time.
The Miss America pageant was held and if anyone bothered to watch it, it was to see the amazing amount of "talent" that these young ladies have.
Yes, I know that there are no astronauts on the Hubble telescope.

In other words, nothing new is going on.

This week's theme:
1993

This week, after watching your FDA daily recommendation of I Heart the 90s, (here and here), let us consider a shining example of the musical video given to us by the year that was 1993.

Today, we pay tribute to the greatest white Canadian rapper one-hit wonder of 1993: Snow. His delightfully titled disc 12 Inches of Snow was released, powered by the completely incomprehensible single "Informer"

Our Where's Waldo checklist:

Nah, couldn't be.
Did anyone else think that this song was about a farmer?
According to Wikipedia, Snow is related to Barenaked Ladies' Steven Page (According to this, they are second cousins)
Oh yeah, here are the actual lyrics
Nah, couldn't be.
If I'm not mistaken, this song is actually about both booty shaking and police brutality at the same time.
Nah, couldn't be.

On to the news:

A psychologist tells people how to get lucky
(Anyone who knows me personally is snickering)

Cat put on anti-depressants
(Next... pet therapists!)

In preparation for St. Groundhog's Day, we present a story on the breaking of the Grass Ceiling
(I know, that was terrible...)

DUI attorney going to pick up his client is pulled over for... DUI
(Irony police made the arrest)

Bright, shiny objects:

And now, video from our wedding
(Think of it as line-dancing...)

Photos taken at just the right angle
(Always worth a laugh)

Today's random "next blog":

Bone Junior
(A diary blog)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 30, 1973 -- KISS plays their 1st show (Coventry Club in Queens NY).

Fun fact of the day:

Very small clouds that look like they have been broken off of bigger clouds are called scuds.

And finally:

A small Super Bowl preview
(Click on this... it has nothing to do with football...)

Stop the presses!

FIF Bonus material brought to you today by friend Steve.

The following item is from the Jacksonville Florida Times-Union. It's apparently "freezing" in Jacksonville.

Then, I clicked on the five-day forecast for Jacksonville. The horror... it's going to be 70 degrees on Thursday.

I'm the me in monogamy

2007-01-29T13:19:00.000-05:00

A moment of seriousness on FIF! Over the weekend, I came across a website that I'm happy exists. It's called Donors Choose, and it's a repository of requests from teachers for big ticket items for their classrooms. The idea is that people can donate to cover the entire cost of an item, or just contribute a little bit to it. Think of it as a gift registry for schools. As much as I hate to come across as a cheesy pitch-man, I recommend taking a look at it.

In not-so-serious news: Baby Spice is... well, expecting a baby. Is this teenage pregnancy?

This week's theme:
1993

On a VH-1 related note, I got sucked into VH-1's top 100 one-hit wonders this weekend. Featuring none other than William Shatner. So, now get sucked into Part 1 and Part 2 of 1993.

And the actual events of 1993.

On to the news:

It's always good to begin a week with a healthy dose of WTF factor:

A Chinese man has married himself to express his "dissatisfaction with reality". Liu Ye, 39, from Zhuhai city, married a life sized foam cut-out of himself wearing a woman's bridal dress.

"There are many reasons for marrying myself, but mainly to express my dissatisfaction with reality," he said. "This marriage makes me whole again. My definition of marriage is different from others."

The ceremony was held at a traditional courtyard packed with more than 100 guests. The 'couple' were led out by a bridesmaid and a groomsman and bowed to ancestors and senior guests for blessings. Liu says he is not gay, but admits he's "maybe a bit narcissistic", reports New Express.

(Dissatisfaction with reality?)

62-year-old grandmother gets 3 years for running pot
(Bonus: It was to support her bingo habit!)

Braces don't make kids happy
(Oh really?)

Man sells his life on eBay
(Today's proof that you can find anything on the internet)

Bright, shiny objects:

Get your coffee from here
(Thanks, Engrish.com)

And now our bright, shiny objects theme song
(Well now doesn't that just make you happy?)

Today's random "next blog":

How the Real Mother Hen Sees the World
(The wonders of the "next blog" button.)

The Monday playlist feature:

Late January 1993. Warning: This is pretty cringe-worthy.

5) Prince and the NPG -- 7

4) Boyz II Men -- In the Still of the Night

3) Shanice -- Saving Forever for You

2) Madonna -- Deeper and Deeper

1) Whitney Houston -- IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Will Always Loooooooooove Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. (sorry... I won't bother putting the link up because it's currently in your head)

5, 3, and 2 I've never actually heard of. I enjoy the B2M cover of that old song, but it can't take away the pain of having to deal with that Whitney Houston song. However, back in college, I was involved in a Gospel choir (yes... jaws off the floor... the white guy with no rhythm was in a Gospel choir) and I sang a solo originally sung by Mrs. Brown herself. My nickname for the rest of the year was "Whitney." Makes me want to dance with somebody who loves me.

Today's strange anniversary:

January 29, 1982 -- Wayne Garland, baseball's 1st millionaire free agent, waived by (who else) the Cleveland Indians. If you're from Cleveland, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're not, just be happy you weren't an Indians fan in the 1980's.

Fun fact of the day:

Sunbeams that shine down through the clouds are called crespucular rays.

And finally:

A thought that occured to me as I was driving with my wife to the grocery store: Suppose that you have one of those "life flashes before my eyes" experiences, but survive. Then, idiot that you are, you have another one. Do you have to go through the entirety of your life flashing before your eyes from the first time? If you had a third time... well, this could get out of hand.

What's the difference between a cow and a chicken?

2007-01-26T11:53:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's best to hide the kids this weekend.

This week's theme:
1992

Let's finish off 1992 (your ILTN's fix here and here)

In 1992, I think I went to my first middle-school dance. I remember that Blind Melon's "No Rain" was really big then. Maybe I'm confusing it with something else. I think 1992 was also the year that I became an official Trekkie. (Nerd Pride!)

On to the news:

Irony police were called to the scene when...
(It's like rain... ah forget it)

Coffee and doughnuts at the same time
(Will wonders ever cease?)

It's raining money in Germany
(Das ist gut!)

Bright, shiny objects:

The lights are on, but nobody's home, my elevator doesn't go to the top, I'm not playing with a full deck, I've lost my marbles
(So, why are you a vegetarian?)

Does your friend carry a mobile phone?
(Find out where that friend is right now!)

Today's random "next blog":

Diary of an Ad Man
(Now that's hilarious!)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 26, 1875 -- Electric dental drill is patented by George F. Green. Sorry, wife.

Fun fact of the day:

Mice, whales, elephants, giraffes and man all have seven neck vertebra.

And finally:

After our usual check of Is It Friday dot Net, start the weekend with this story about my friend's brother who has written and produced a play in honor of a student who passed last year.

FIF: The musical!

2007-01-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

A happy saint's day to my wife! At least on the Russian calendar. For you non-Orthodox out there, this is a big deal. Every person has a personal saint and on that saint's feast day, you party. Mine is September 4th.

This week's theme:
1992

A few things about 1992, in movies and music. Biggest movie of the year was Aladdin (with the fantastic Robin Williams) which was pretty much the pinnacle of the Disney animated movies. A thought... when was the last time they put out a good one. Toy Story doesn't count because that was all Pixar. Checking in at #6 is Sister Act... now that's entertainment.

Your recommended daily allowance of 90s nostalgia (1992:Deux:2 and 1992:Deux:3)

On to the news:

Missing: a soulmate
(So, put it on a milk carton)

Man convinces authorities that dressing up like the Joker from Batman is part of his religion
(I haven't the time to make this up)

Chinese man convinces his new wife to have plastic surgery to look like his first wife
(This screams: I have issues)

Our dumbest criminal of the day goes to...
(Italy, actually)

I can only imagine what the wedding night was like
(Use your clean mind. I didn't.)

Runaway Bride, the Rock Opera
(See below)

Bright, shiny objects:

Legally Blonde... the musical
(But then again, we know that Reese Whatshername can actually sing)

Apparently things haven't been going so well for Chad Vader
(The force is strong with this one)

Today's random "next blog":

Pan-dan
(Looks like a photography blog... it's in English)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 25, 1985 -- "We are the World" is recorded. I hope Bruce has eaten some fiber in the last 22 years.

Fun fact of the day:

Why do they call it a Phillips screw
(Duh, the guy that named it was named Phillips)

T-shirt of the week:

Attention, wife
(Hehe.)

And finally:

A story shared with my wife that actually happened a few years ago. As part of my training as a psychologist, I attended a series of seminars in which we discussed different psychological tests. One of them was developed, unfortunately, by two men named Woodcock and Johnson. (To make things worse, Woodcock's name was Richard.) The test, known as the Woodcock-Johnson measures academic achievement and is used in the diagnosis of learning disorders. Someone brought it up in this conference, and one of my classmates innocently stated, "I heard that was a long one."

We stopped laughing about 5 minutes later. Gotta love psychology humor.

What to write...

2007-01-25T00:30:00.000-05:00

I wasn't really sure what to write about today in this space. I suppose I could go political and talk about how G-Dubs gave his speech last night (didn't see it... can't have been that interesting) or how J-Care decided that he'd had enough public humiliation for one lifetime. I could go with the odd: Marilyn Manson is dating Evan Rachel Wood. I could point out that Fidel Castro has defied death yet again. I could write an amusing anecdote from my life (the problem being that nothing really amusing has happened in the last 48 hours.) Or, I could just leave it blank.

This week's theme:
1992

I didn't really love 1992. But apparently, VH-1 did. When was the last time that VH-1 actually played a video? (Your daily double dose is here and here.)

I plugged "1992" into the vast wasteland that is Google and one of the first links that came up was Wikipedia's entry on the 1992 Presidential election, which gave us such images as... well... Bill Clinton answering whether he wore boxers or briefs on MTV (the person who asked that question is now about 30-something...), Bill Clinton on the Arsenio Hall Show, (whatever happened to him? Arsenio that is...), and this guy who to this day scares me.

On to the news:

Protestors for rent
(Now this is a great job!)

Man attemptes to sneak 500 parrots into Kazakhstan
(High five!)

Bright, shiny objects:

There's a picture of a horse in a sweater
(Thanks, wife, for the link. Scroll down a bit.)

Reverse graffiti?
(Street art by cleaning something dirty)

Today's random "next blog":

Schreiners's Media Landscape
(It has something to do with Utah and clean air....)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 24, 1902 -- Denmark sells Virgin Islands to USA. Sounds like a good idea right now...

Fun fact of the day:

The hyoid bone, in your throat, is the only bone in the body not attached to another bone.

And now a word from our sponsors:

Need glasses?
(This is why you should drive automatic transmission)

And finally:

Last night, my wife mentioned that she knew someone who had been given a $600 handbag. Maybe I'm just too much of a guy here, but what on earth does a $600 bag do that a cheap $30 model won't? Does it have a laser somewhere on it? Does it organize itself? Is it the bag that Mary Poppins had?

What are you doing right now?

2007-01-23T11:21:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on!

Hillary Clinton has finally come out and said what everyone already knew...
... and apparently ran the first campaign smear trick of the 2008 election?
The nominees for major media awards were announced and everyone grumbled about their favorite movie not being included. However, Al Gore (!) was nominated for an Oscar... sorta.
MySpace will distribute amber alerts (after surely being partially responsible for their creation)

In other words, nothing new is happening.

This week's theme:
1992

As now appears to be the Tuesday tradition for this theme series (in addition to giving you your daily dose of I Love the 90s here and here), I take a music video from the year and review it using my not-exactly-patented Where's Waldo checklist system.

Today, we honor 1992's MTV VMA video of the year... Van Halen's "Right Now?", which somehow beat out "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Under The Bridge" But then again, at the time no one thought grunge would last. Anyway, right now, Waldo is looking for the following.

Right now, people are having unprotected sex. But not you, because you're watching this video.
Or first three images are sperm, a naked man, and a power screwdriver. Message anyone?
And then, God kills your mom and your dog? This is apparently supposed to be an uplifting song.
Right now, Van Halen hasn't been on tour in two years.
Perhaps the adjective I'm thinking of here is "incongruous"
Right now really is just a space between ice ages, apparently
Is this what you wanted, Sammy Haggar? Sammy Haggar, is this what you wanted man?
Breast implants, then commentary on the minimum wage. America, remember, when considering how to vote, first consult celebrities on what they think.
Right now, someone is walking onto a nude beach for the first time. And is sorely disappointed.
And they end by all going into the men's room. When have you ever seen men go to the bathroom in a group?

On to the news:

Something amusingly interesting is happening in Tulsa
(More to the point, something is happening in Tulsa)

Creative prison escape of the day award goes to...
(That should be an actual award. How about a shameless Shawshank Redemption plug?)

Bright, shiny objects:

A little soccer humor
(Does anyone get soccer humor?)

Australians (y'know, the ones next to Germany) ask Americans questions
(Yep, that's my country)

Today's random "next blog":

MBA Cutie
(Apparently, a cutie, getting an MBA at the University of Michigan)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 23, 1719 -- Principality of Liechtenstein created within Holy Roman Empire. Happy birthday, Liechtenstein!

Fun fact of the day:

A Chinese checkerboard has 121 holes.

And finally:

Apparently the State of the Union speech is tonight. This past weekend marked the halfway point of G-dubs second term. In two years, someone else will be President. So, depending on your viewpoint, the glass is either half empty or half full. Or something like that. Too bad I won't be able to cover the speech, because I teach on Tuesday nights, because long-winded political speeches always make for good comedy, no matter who's giving them.

I heart Soren Kierkegaard

2007-01-22T23:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the Chicago Bears won the NFC Championship game against the New Orleans Saints. Going into the game, I was ambivalent toward whether I wanted the Bears to actually win. I really don't care about football in general or the Bears in particular. If anyone, I'll root for the Cleveland Browns, but I'll never be confused for a hardcore fan or even a casual fan. Here's the problem: had the Bears lost, Chicago and everyone around me would have entered into a three day long period of depression and would have been unable to function. Then, after three days, life would have returned to normal. Now, instead of depression, I'll have to deal with a city wrapped up in two weeks of frenetic mania (in which everyone around me will be talking about the Super B... oh wait, can't say that without getting sued). Everyone will ask me what I thought of the game (saw about five minutes of it... it was... great... I guess...) and asking me who my favorite Bear is (Yogi).

But, rest assured, as it is a major cultural event, FIF will be there at the Sup... I mean, the "big game"... or at least in contact with it from our World Communication Hindquarters... yeah, I'll watch it on TV) to liveblog it. I hope.

This week's theme:
1992

Why stop a train when it's rolling? I'm enjoying this perfectly good excuse to watch I Love the 90s. I promse though that after we get through 1999, I won't do an I Love the 80s week. Anyway, I Love 1992, Part I and Part II.

And the actual events of 1992.

On to the news:

Boy, the things we'll all do to get health insurance
(Next, you'll have to make the incision yourself!)

The food in the fridge is looking at me...
(Anybody remember the show Dinosaurs?)

Dogs and alcohol... apparently coming to a store near you
(Only in Holland)

So, how many of you have done any of these things while driving?
(Shave?)

Proof that broccoli is good for you
(Or at least gives you lots of energy)

Bright, shiny objects:

Good to hear my profession is doing well in Japan
(Here's to this week's entry from Engrish.com)

Hilarious student excuses
(Courtesy of Rate Your Students)

Today's random "next blog":

News from Fort Worth, Texas
(Apparently, this merited it's own blog)

The Monday playlist feature:

Well, keeping with the theme of the week, it's time to take a look at what America was listening to at this time in 1992. Sadly, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was only #7.

5) Hammer (nee MC) -- Addams Groove

4) George Michael and Elton John -- Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me

3) Color Me Badd -- All 4 Love (yikes!)

2) Michael Jackson -- Black or White

1) Mariah Carey -- Can't Let Go

I apologize for inflicting this unfortunate period in American history on the readership of FIF. Hammer did the theme for the Addams Family? Color Me Badd was still making music? Michael Jackson videos were actually politically relevant?(!) Mariah Carey is that old? I do have to admit that I have a soft spot for the Michaels/John song.

Today's stange anniversary:

January 22, 1951 -- Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to John Crowe Ransom. Not really odd, just a good excuse to shout out to my college alma mater, where Ransom was in the English department for years. To this day, the President's office is in Ransom Hall.

Fun fact of the day:

At latitude 60 degrees south you can sail all the way around the world.

And finally:

Is it overly nerdy that I'm happy that I bought this book over the weekend?

Being lazy on Friday

2007-01-19T02:35:00.000-05:00

Irony police alert: Be on the lookout for a large SUV being driven by a single female. License plates "WIND NRG." The car was seen driving through Chicago earlier this afternoon.

This week's theme:
1991

Finishing off I Love 1991, Part 4 and Part 5.

If I recall correctly, the only interesting event that happened in my life in 1991 was that I got glasses around Thanksgiving. I went to junior high that year, which wasn't really all that interesting in the long run.

On to the news:

Irony police, additional suspect sighted: British would-be king and environmentalist
(Notable feature: large ears)

Spice World finally wins cinematic award
(Sorta)

Thieves steal GPS devices
(Guess how hard it was to find them)

Millionaire sues homeless
(For what?)

And finally:

It's time for our weekly check of is it Friday dot net.

Short one today. I've been out and busy all day. Monday I'll start my annual Super Bowl poll, where I ask people for whom I should cheer in the Super Bowl, despite the fact that I don't care either way.

We need more global warming!

2007-01-18T15:46:00.000-05:00

The other day, while riding home from work, I observed a poster on the train from a group opposed to fur. The ad pointed out that it was really bad to wear fur. Sitting just in front of me was a woman in a fur coat. It's times like these that I wish I had one of those new-fangled camera phones so that I could take pictures of things like this. Such is life.

This week's theme:
1991

A quick review of the year in movies and music. Is it a bad thing that of the top five movies from that year, the only one that I've actually seen in Beauty and the Beast? But I've seen Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. A thought: Keanu Reeves, despite lacking any acting talent, has now been in two cult classics which spawned sequels (The Matrix movies being the other.) Is it really that easy to have a Hollywood career? Another thought: What happened to Alex Winter (Bill)? He is perhaps the best personification of the theory of "That Guy" out there. "That Guy" is someone who when you mention his name (Alex Winter), no one knows who you're talking about. However, when you mention something about him (He was Bill in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure), everyone says, "Oh yeah, that guy!"

While we're at it, I Love 1991, Part Deux: Part Deux et Part Tres.

On to the news:

There's a Starbucks in China's Forbidden City?
(I suppose there's one right across the street in the City We're Allowed To Go Into)

Latest place to be breathalyzed: Before getting into a bullfight
(Because that's something you do when you're sober... And apparently they're also testing the bulls...)

Adulturers could get life in prison in Michigan
(Moral of the story: Don't cheat)

Bright, shiny objects:

How to quit your job
(Note to self: buy black body paint)

How to dance like a white guy
(Note to self: buy video)

Today's random "next blog":

Archaeology News, the Blog
(Proof that you can blog about anything)

T-shirt of the week:

Now here's a t-shirt I can get behind on this 20 degree day
(If global warming is caused by people polluting, then thank you for polluting!)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 18, 1961 -- Zanzibar's Afro-Shirazi party wins 1 seat by a single vote & parliament by a single seat. So, next time you think that your vote doesn't count, remember: you don't know where Zanzibar is either.

Fun fact of the day:

The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

And finally:

We're cleaning up FIF's world hindquarters (aka, our apartment) this week. We're having our home blessed. I actually dusted. That's right, mom, if you're reading this, I actually dusted.

FIF comes at you fast

2007-01-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

Well now, I suppose it was only a matter of time. It's time for another presentation of a Shatner Award given to the person who excels in the area of losing the greatest amount of personal dignity for the least amount of money. Today, we induct another member into the fold of people that already includes Mike Tyson, O. J. Simpson, and, well, William Shatner himself. Today's winner almost won a Shatner Award a while ago, but today, he takes his final step:

Today, we at FIF are proud to present a William Shatner Award to Kevin Federline.

From the press release:

Columbus, Ohio — Nationwide announced today that it will continue its award-winning Life Comes at You Fast advertising campaign with its second national Super Bowl ad, featuring Kevin Federline.
Typical of other ads in the Life Comes at You Fast campaign, the spot opens with a situation that changes in a dramatic and unexpected way. Just as viewers believe they are seeing a Kevin Federline rap video, the ad takes a funny, surprise twist. Nationwide’s Life Comes at You Fast slogan is the punchline.
“The Life Comes at You Fast concept was created to remind people that they need to think about preparing for the future,” said Steven Schreibman, vice president of advertising and brand management for Nationwide. “No one has personified Life Comes at You Fast in the media better than Kevin Federline. Our partnership with Kevin shows the world that he has a great sense of humor. He’s poking fun at himself, and in the process gets to have the last word.”

I'm not sure whether to laugh, cry, applaud, or just stand in amazement of the unintentional dead on social commentary. I'll have to watch (and liveblog) the Super Bowl just for this.

In completely un-related news, YouTube has what is reported to be a bootleg copy of a new Britney Spears song called "Fed Up." Now that's hilarious.

This week's theme:
1991

Your daily dose of I Love the 90s (Part V of the first, Part I of the second)

I typed "1991" into Google and got these rather intriguing links

Physics News Updates from 1991
Picture from the brand new Hubble telescope from 1991
Cornell's Class of 1991 website

On to the news:

Nerd brawl!
(Over World of Warcraft, no less)

Canadian Pillow Fight League
(Today's "Why didn't I think of that?" story)

Bright, shiny objects:

The world in seven pictures
(Only in America...)

What happens when women try to pump gas
(Yeah...)

Today's random "next blog":

I hit the magic button and this came up
(Someone's portfolio of art work. Neat.)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 17, 1861 -- Flush toilet patented by Mr. Thomas Crapper. So, today when you do your daily duty, be sure to wish your toilet a happy birthday.

Fun fact of the day:

How are area codes assigned?
(Good question)

And now a word from our sponsors:

Two grandmothers rapping in Dutch
(What is it about the Dutch lately?)

And finally:

Just a little update on the ongoing Trivial Pursuit challenge between me and my wife. It was a tight game, but I got all six of my pieces and answered the final (now obsolete and incorrect) question: Who holds the single season NFL Record for touchdowns scored. In 1981, the answer was none other than O.J. Simpson. (My second mention of him today!) Unfortunately for such trivia-based games, they can't keep up with the times. It's also really fun trying to answer 25 year old trivia questions.

Giant banana over Texas, where they invented the hamburger

2007-01-16T11:09:00.000-05:00

It's Tuesday, so that means it's time for our weekly look around the world to see what's going on.

The Yankees get another All-Star
Fidel Castro is rumored to be dying. Again.
Barak Obama is apparently running for President.

In other words, nothing new is going on.

This week's theme:
1991

Maybe somewhere in the next few weeks, I'll throw in an actual "This week's theme." Until then, you'll just have to make due with more "I Love the 90s". The way I figure it, you'd feel guilty sitting down and watching all ten episodes in a row. Now, you can spread it out over a few months but not really miss anything. Aren't I nice? Part III and Part IV of 1991.

Additionally, it's Tuesday, so we take a look at our video pick of the year for 1991. This year's video of choice is "Voices That Care" by just about everyone who was on an easy listening station at the time. Ever since Band Aid did "Do They Know It's Christmas Time?" it's a guarantee that when a major event happens (or if it's Christmas again), a bunch of artists will get together and do one of these "one for all" songs. For those of you too young to remember it, this song was dedicated to all the troops who were in Desert Storm. And now, a trip back to 90s nostalgia with our Where's Waldo checklist. Hardcore readers of my blog may instead prefer the "Where Are They Now?" version. Actually, as the writer of this blog, I prefer that one.

Leading off for the singers, Ralph Tresvant? (Remember that Jeremy Giambi too was once a leadoff hitter)
Cousin Celine Dion! (She's my eleventh cousin, once-removed. Seriously. My father is an amateur genealogist.)
Check out the listing of the people in the choir.
Peter Cetera. Five years after this: same turtle neck, same facial expression, same "vaguely looks like he's made of plastic" appearance. And now a Chicago reference: Long Live Demon Dogs!
Who the heck is Brenda Russell?
What was the point of superimposing Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson (who may or may not have any singing talent) pretending that they were singing background vocals to Luther Vandross (who clearly does)?
You are witnessing the high point of Kathy Mattea's career. She got to sing five seconds of duet with Garth Brooks.
Nelson. Actually finding them now would be a real "Where's Waldo?"
Why does a man with long blonde hair wear an ill-fitting black suit?
Will Smiff!
William Shatner and Mike Tyson shown within about half a second of each other within the same montage. I have to wonder about some of the conversations that were had that day.
Was it necessary for Cousin Celine to do that?
Fred Savage!
Warren Wiebe, the bald guy who sings the last two lines... and was never heard from again.

I believe the only thing I can say at this point is

On to the news:

Texas and Connecticut are arguing over who invented the hamburger.
(Today's winner in our "need something better to do" contest.)

Romanian snowboarders protest lack of snow
(I heart global warming. I just wish Chicago was part of the globe)

Female considers male too heavy to be sexually attractive
(I believe I just made some subtle social commentary...)

Polar bear has root canal?
(I know that polar bears are endangered, but...)

But today's top prize goes to this story:

A Montreal artist wants to construct an enormous banana that would float over Texas, but critics say the project isn't worth government funding. Cesar Saez conceived the project, called "Geostationary Banana Over Texas," and prefers to let the art speak for itself.
When asked why he would want a helium-inflated 300-metre banana to hover above Texas for a month, he simply told CTV Montreal: "Texas is as symbolic as the banana." Then he added: "The banana has a lot of symbolism: phallic, humour, and political, too."
But some people were less than amused by the idea, considering both the federal and Quebec governments have already spent thousands of dollars for Saez's research and planning.
"I'm paying $65,000 to send a banana to space?" one woman balked. Another said the money should have been spent on solving Montreal's homelessness problem instead.
The Canada Council for the Arts has defended the project, arguing Saez is an established artist and his proposal was chosen by a jury of his peers. "The project was eligible and went to a committee, and the committee felt that the project had merit according to the criteria of the programme," said the council's Claude Schryer.
Beatrice Pepper, of the Quebec Council for Arts and Letters, said the attention focused on "Geostationary Banana Over Texas" can only benefit Quebec culture, because most contemporary artists are ignored.
"It's a big, big, big day today for visual arts in Quebec," she said. "For probably one of the first times, a piece of visual art is getting the attention that it never gets from the media." The project will likely require a total of $1 million before Texans see the giant banana sailing above their heads.

Bright, shiny objects:

I believe we have a new internet celebrity
(Funny accent + naive looking person + odd topic = instant celebrity.)

Come on, it's a cat brushing his teeth...
(What's the word I'm looking for here?)

Today's random "next blog":

To Have and To Hold
(Apparently a married couple. I couldn't find a theme. Sounds like a good blog!)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 16, 1920 -- The 18th Amendment, Prohibition, goes into effect; It was repealed in 1933. So, if you need a reason to drink today...

Fun fact of the day:

The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding.

And finally:

Today's my "long" day. I get to teach statistics tonight for three hours. Oh joy!

After writing this one, I had a certain B-52s song in my head

2007-01-15T14:48:00.000-05:00

As a Clevelander myself, I believe that I can send out my condolences and sympathies to the entire city of San Diego, California. It's been twenty(!) years since "The Drive" and it still hurts, even though I was all of seven at the time. I don't really follow football, but even I appreciated the fact that Marty Schottenheimer can not win a playoff game.

However, the city of Chicago is happy because the Bears are one win away from the Super Bowl. God help us if we have to live through this again, though. I suppose now would be a really good time to jump on the bandwagon and become a huge Bears fan despite the fact that I can only name one Bear (Brian Urlacher) and that's because I think he used to date 2006 Golden Federline Award Winner of the Year Paris Hilton.

This week's theme:
1991

It seems like only yesterday that Gulf War I was getting started. Now, we just have the sequel.

Let's see what else we can remember about 1991. (Part I and Part II).

And of course, the actual serious events of 1991.

On to the news:

Couple plays a game of putt-putt to decide who takes whose last name
(Sweetie, if you're reading this: Trivial Pursuit, tonight.)

Little Sisters of the Poor root for the Saints
(Since I seem to be doing football stories today...)

Man leaves his fortune to strangers picked out of the phone book
(Anybody got a copy of the Chicago phone book)

Bright, shiny objects:

Engrish.com promoting alcoholism
(What exactly is the stick figure supposed to be doing?)

Little kids playing the piano... sorta
(I still want to know what the woman in the bunny suit was there for)

Today's random "next blog":

The Daily Warrior
(A woman living with ALS, and I emphasize living.)

The Monday playlist feature:

What was America listening to this week in 1991. You know, as we announced that we were going to war.

5) Ralph Tresvant -- Sensitivity

4) Suzanne Vega -- Tom's Diner (warning: if you don't know exactly what you're getting into, don't click this.)

3) Damn Yankees -- High Enough

2) Janet Jackson -- Love Will Never Do (Without You)

1) Madonna -- Justify My Love (warning: like any Madonna video, there's always a chance that it's NSFW.)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 15, 1797 -- 1st top hat worn (John Etherington of London). How do they know that?

Fun fact of the day:

It takes a lobster approxiamately seven years to grow to be one pound.

And finally:

I have to admit that I miss doing "Baseball Bits." I could point out that the Blue Jays have completely overpaid (shock, I know) for Lyle Overbay. And I could marvel at the fact that everything really does come full circle in life. The Cubs want to trade Jacque Jones, a 32-year-old, .280 career hitter who strikes out roughly once per 5 plate appearances, so that they can sign Cliff Floyd, a 35-year-old, .279 career hitter who strikes out roughly once per 5 plate appearances.

Gotta love graduate school...

You have died of dysentery

2007-01-12T11:05:00.000-05:00

Ummm, there's nothing interesting going on. For the first time in a month, we will actually be in Chicago for a weekend. I even went to Walgreens tonight and nothing weird happened there, other than them having their Easter candy already out. We now enter the lull in winter after Christmas when it's not really festive any more and if we thought about it, we'd realize how stupid it was that we all sang "Let it Snow" last month. I hate snow.

This week's theme:
1990

The end of this week's shameless exploitation of VH-1's I Love the 90's series. But admit it, you watch it, you can't take your eyes off of it. And here's Part 4 and Part 5 of the rest of I Love the 90s, Part Deux for 1990.

I'm trying to remember if anything salient in my life happened in 1990, other than finishing fourth grade. I had Mrs. Bevelaqua, and I now wonder whatever happened to her. I was 10. Nothing really interesting happens when you're 10. At least in hindsight, anyway.

Four word movie review:

My wife and I made a trip to Blockbuster tonight and ended up with The Breakup. Here then is my four word moview review of the movie.

Life imitating art imitating...

On to the news:

Want to drive a skunk cross-country?
(How much you paying?)

Thieves steal... cacti?
(Apparently there's a black market for them?)

Bright, shiny objects:

Complaints received about custom license plates
(America needs a hobby)

It's disturbing, involves hedgehogs, and it's in Dutch
(I'd usually make this "And now a word from our sponsors", but I was short on BSO's today.)

Today's random "next blog":

Tigertang in Tangoland
(It's just what came up...)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 12, 1954 -- Queen Elizabeth II opens NZ parliament. This isn't really strange, but it does make you think "Exactly how old is she?"

Fun fact of the day:

Many Japanese golfers carry "hole-in-one" insurance, because it is traditional in Japan to share one's good luck by sending gifts to all your friends when you get an "ace." The price for what the Japanese term an "albatross" can often reach $10,000.

T-shirt of the week:

A new feature that I had originally intended to do on Thursdays, but, ummm, forgot yesterday. Anyway, this is dedicated to all of the wonderful purveyors of funny t-shirts out there.

Now this is old school
(It's OK, that just means it's time to go hunting)

And finally:

It's time for our weekly check of Is It Friday dot Net.

David Beckham, Macaulay Culkin, methamphetamines, knitting, and goats

2007-01-12T00:11:00.000-05:00

And now one of the most terrifying things I can possibly say. The Spice Girls (at least one of them) are coming (back) to America. And they're bringing David Beckham? If you don't know who David (Bend It Like)Beckham is, here's a quick introduction.

For those of you who wondered about the headline today that said that David Beckham was joining the Los Angeles Galaxy from Real Madrid (funny, he goes from the Galacticos to the... eh, soccer jokes that no one will get...) and thought that maybe the Galaxy was an NBDL team, he's a soccer player and the Galaxy are a professional soccer team. At one point, Beckham was considered to be one of the world's finest, and he's still rather good. Now, why he would come to the U.S. to play in a league that really doesn't have a high standard of play is beyond me. Oh wait, he'll make money like a banshee here. But, lest you think America is ready to pick up soccer, I just checked ESPN.com. They're top story is a preview of the Chicago Bears this weekend.

This week's theme:
1990

I love the 90s, Part Deux, 1990, Part Deux and Tres

The music and movies of 1990, in a lovely table form. Speaking of movies, the top grossing movie of the year was Home Alone, which launched, and subsequently ended Macaulay Culkin's career.

And now, a few memories from a masterpiece.

On to the news:

And apparently, a partridge in a pear tree
(A squirrel and a crocodile? Or just a bad snakes on a plane joke?)

Burglary suspect hides in county sherrif's headquarters
(Could this be your future cellmate?)

Would you like some meth with your coffee
(It's like the Cocaine energy drink, I guess)

Bright, shiny objects:

The top ten dumbest products for babies
(A fellow blogspotter!)

Knitted graffiti?
(Thanks, wife)

Today's random "next blog":

A billion questions blog
(I think it's in English)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 11, 1873 -- 1st livestock market newspaper published, Drover's Journal, Chicago. Well now, let's have a party with goats. At least we'll know how much they cost.

Fun fact of the day:

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

And finally:

Another trip to Walgreens, another sign of the imminence of the apocalypse. My wife and I had to stock up on things like toilet bowl cleaner and a carbon monoxide detector. In all, it came out to 80-some dollars. My wife had a gift card that she thought was worth $10. Apparently, it had 80-some dollars on it. We have no idea how. We actually pointed this out to the store manager, but finally she just shrugged and sent us on our way.

Where was the beef anyway?

2007-01-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

My niece is the cutest!

This week's theme:
1990

The end of I Love the 90s, 1990
(But wait, there's more! I Love the 90s, Part Deux, 1990, Part I)

If you're in the mood to buy some slap bracelets, here you go.

I typed "1990" into Google and got an assortment of links for your reading enjoyment:
Afghanistan's constitution of 1990
Estimated Water Use in America in 1990
The most popular baby names in 1990

Further proof that you can find anything on the internet.

On to the news:

Wanna buy Dracula's castle?
(Right after I buy that country)

No more doughnuts for inmates in Ohio
(Because of trans-fat!)

Bright, shiny objects:

Nothing quite like Finnish a capella polka
(WTF Factor: Off the scale!)

Today, we ask the question, "Is that a mouse?"
(Uhhh...)

Today's random "next blog":

The, uh, Random Blog Button Blog
(An entire blog devoted to basically what this section does every day. It's what came up. Irony?)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 10, 1984 -- Clara Peller 1st asks, "Where's the Beef?"

Fun fact of the day:

Former Major League Baseball player Will Clark is a direct descendent of William Clark (of Lewis and Clark)

Today's Public Service Announcement:

How not to raise your children
(I'm a child psychologist. Trust me on this one.)

And finally:

A few more thoughts on weddings. Any time you go to a wedding reception, there are a certain set of songs are guaranteed to be played, but sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever stopped to consider what exactly the DJ is playing:

B-52s -- "Love Shack" -- The lyrics are about a swingers' club outside Athens, GA.

The Village People -- "Y.M.C.A." -- The entirety of the Village People's act was intended to poke fun at the gay subculture, and Y.M.C.A. was no exception. Just don't tell grandma that's what she's singing about.

Gloria Gaynor -- "I Will Survive" -- Nothing like a song about domestic violence to cheer up a wedding! Actually, she wrote it while recovering from back surgery. Still, I suppose it's better than Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"

Meatloaf -- "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" -- "So now I'm praying for the end of time to hurry up and arrive..." Although, this one's usually done pretty tongue in cheek.

But then wedding receptions are where you can drunkenly warble any song by Journey and it's socially acceptable (and people will join in!)

The First Federline Award of 2007

2007-01-09T21:08:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's happening!

1) Britney Spears and Paris Hilton still don't know how to dress themselves
2) The entire state of Ohio got slapped on national TV
3) New Yorkers are making bad smell jokes about New Jersey
4) Pete Rose didn't get into the Hall of Fame... again

This week's theme:
1990

Part III and Part IV of I Love 1990
(Roman numerals make it look cooler)

Today, we take a look at the omnipresent video of the year, Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor. And bring back an old friend: The Where's Waldo Checklist. Watch the video and be looking for the following:

I'm not saying that there's a resemblance, but... well maybe I am.
David?
I'm not saying that there's a resemblance, but... well, it is kinda eerie.
In the bridge, there's a guy walking around in a black trenchcoat in an abandoned park. Sinead O'Connor is glorifying drug dealers.
The infamous tear.

On to the news:

Humans go on display at an Australian zoo?
(Bonus: They're turning it into a reality show!)

Man stages robbery to get back into jail?
(Bonus: He loved it at the last prison!)

Stamps that taste like sweet and sour pork?
(Bonus: Because it's the year of the pig!)

Bright, shiny objects:

Free tie-dye t-shirt with a negative drug test
(Who in their right mind would wear tie-dye? That's right, someone on drugs.)

Epic Movie!
(I was just telling my wife that I needed to make one of those... Someone did it for me.)

Today's random "next blog":

TubbsBlog
(The blog itself is just a bunch of family pictures, but it's also got a great inside joke in there...)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 9, 1894 -- "Edison Kinetoscopic Record of a Sneeze" released in movie theaters. Sounds like a thriller. Maybe next summer, they'll make a sequel.

Fun fact of the day:

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

A public service announcement:

I was going to put this in bright, shiny objects, but this deserves a section of its own. In what will surely become a recurrent theme on the blog, I present to you the future of America.

I have a two-step solution for such problems. The first step is to extend your right hand so that it is approximately six inches to the right of the person's left cheek. If you are left handed, reverse those direction. The second step is to make a sudden and violent motion to the left. Congratulations McKenzie, by your outstanding contributions to the field of stupidity (and whining) you are hereby the first civilian to win a Federline Award. Salve stulta! Popozao!

And finally:

My wife beat me again in Trivial Pursuit this past weekend. What's worse is that I had five pieces of pie and just needed the Sports and Games piece (normally my strong suit). I couldn't nail down the question (I got a question on darts that I had no idea about...) and she beat me to it! So, in the four games we've played, we're tied 2-2.

She's perfect for me.

Driving through Michigan

2007-01-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

I know, there was no blog this past Friday. This was due to the fact that my wife and I spent the day driving to Northern Michigan for a wedding. Two of our college friends got married (to each other!) at a ski lodge. It was a wonderful wedding. I got to see a few old friends and make some new ones. And I got to dance. Well, at least I call it dancing. My theory is that I'm always the first one out on the dance floor at a wedding reception, because no one else will do it. Then, by default, I'm the best dancer in the room.

Anyway, driving through Michigan, we got to see a few fun road signs. Including the one on the two lane mountain road which said, "Do not pass when traffic is oncoming." No kidding... Also, "Dead Man's Hill Scenic Overlook." I think that one explains itself. There was also a billboard for the Alba Public School. Not schools, mind you, but school.

This week's theme:
1990

Because I can, I'm beginning a new series of "this week's theme" celebrating the 1990s. Each week will be a year. This does two things: Provides a recap of a very fun decade (for me, anyway) and gets me out of coming up with a new theme until at least mid-March.

So, a few things from the year that was 1990:

I Love 1990 (Part I)
(You know you watched it... and you want to watch all ten parts again...)

And while we're at it, here's Part II

A few big events from 1990
(How many of them do you remember?)

On to the news:

Thief steals... urinal?
(Apparently, the kitchen sink was next...)

Menace of Hundred Acre Wood on the loose
(Apparently, the joke about Crouching Tigger, Hidden Dragon came true)

Wanna buy a country?
(Proof that you can buy anything on the internet...)

The annual Wacky Warning Label Awards are out
(Bad idea: Washing your kids in the washing machine. Here's their website, by the way)

Bright, shiny objects:

It's time for our Monday check of Engrish.com
(Tasty!)

Goats... in trees...
(I don't make these things up... I just report them.)

Today's random "next blog":

Another in the ever-popular "baby blog" genre
(Check out the entry on the haircut)

The Monday playlist feature:

Well, of course, if it's going to be a 1990 theme, here's the top five songs from this week in 1990s.

5) NKOTB -- This One's For the Children

4) Taylor Dayne -- With Every Beat of My Heart

3) Technotronic -- Pump Up The Jam

2) Phil Collins -- Another Day in Paradise

1) Janet Jackson -- Rhythm Nation

Let's see, NKOTB was another episode of American history that should have been left back in the 1980s... Taylor Dayne is doing the casino circuit now... If anyone has any info on Technotronic, please call the FBI... Phil Collins. Wow... And then there was Janet Jackson before her clothes malfunctioned.

Today's strange anniversary:

January 8, 1798 -- The Eleventh Amendment is ratified. To this day, no one can yet determine what the hell it means.

Fun fact of the day:

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games.

And finally:

Tonight, The Ohio State University takes on Florida in the BCS National Championship Game. This despite the fact that really what they should do is have a BCS Second Place Game, seeing as there wasn't anyone on par with OSU during the regular season (Michigan vs. Florida?). Growing up in Cleveland, it's odd. OSU is more of a Columbus thing, but since there's no really big college sports franchise in Cleveland (what's the biggest Oxymoron in Cleveland? Cleveland State Sports! Or Academics, for that matter), OSU is the default college team. Since I don't really care much about football, and haven't been much of an OSU fan, I feel divided. It's not over for whom to root, but more about how much should I care? Should I watch the game and hang on every play? Should I check the score at the end of the night? Should I flip between the game and Law and Order?

O.C. should only ever stand for "Oh, Canada!"

2007-01-04T20:09:00.000-05:00

Apparently, while I was gone, the Dark Side won.

And, in a sign of intelligence among TV executives, the O.C. lost. Myspace.com I'm sure will be reeling from the eulogies that it will surely receive.

But, the O.C. wasn't the only thing that got the axe. Paris Hilton has been fired. Last years's Golden Federline winner Paris Hilton is making a good opening statement for her title defense by getting fired as the spokesperson for Club Paris, which is named for her.

This week's theme:
Never Ending Story

My personal favorite scene from the movie, mostly for the music. Between that and the Voltron theme, it's really all you need for a heroic intro in the 80s. I suppose the score to the movie is out there somewhere. I should find it.

On to the news:

Apparently, people in bars think that something completely inane is absolutely hilarious
(It's this week's alcohol was involved story)

Apparently, people who drink beer do not make effective criminals
(It's this week's alcohol... wait a minute...)

Proof that anyone can get a credit card
(Even non-humans?)

Open-mic opera night
(Something so strange, it has to be from the C-State)

Bright, shiny objects:

A college saga, part I
(WTF factor: Captain, she can't take much more of this! More parts to come... I suppose you could find them on YouTube anyway, but you know how it goes)

Tara Reid counting backwards
(Sorta)

Today's random "next blog":

Days of my life
(Today's entry starts off with a story about a coffee house. I hate coffee.)

And finally:

Congratulations go out this weekend to two dear friends of ours from college, Matt and Ayesha who are tying the knot this weekend. At a ski resort. Perhaps I shall ski. Now, for those of you who know me, that's a mental image to ponder!

50% off at the dollar store

2007-01-03T11:58:00.000-05:00

Like many stores, the store that my wife and I went into a few days ago was trying to sell off its surplus Christmas merchandise, so they reduced everything 50%. The problem was that the name of the store is "Everything's A Dollar!" But then again, my wife and I also went to Michael's Craft Supply where they were selling Christmas craft supplies, as well as decorations for St. Patrick's Day(!) I've come to grudgingly accept that Christmas items go on sale in September, but St. Patrick's Day decorations before the New Year?

I rung in the New Year with my Russian in-laws. And my nieces. Every year, they have a big party (my in-laws, not my nieces), and they invite a bunch of Russians over. There were two people who came to the party and afterwards no one had any idea who they were. I almost tried caviar.

This week's theme:
The Neverending Story

This is the first movie I ever remember seeing. Scary that it's now 20+ years old. I was actually noting that to my wife the other day. There are now portions of my life that I can look back on and say, "Yeah, but that was 20 years ago..."

But for you 20-somethings out there who remember the movie and love it, you'll be singing this one all day. I hadn't known this, but apparently, Limahl is the same guy from Kajagoogoo. Amazing that the same artist was an 80s one-hit wonder twice! (Don't ponder that sentence too long or blood will shoot out your nose.)

On to the news:

French hold anti-New Year protest!
(Apparently, even the French occasionally have a sense of humor!)

Dog massages!
(What are "gourmet dog biscuits?")

Trivial Pursuit, the drinking game
(Apparently, one woman didn't do so well...)

Bright, shiny objects:

Happy New Year from Engrish.com
(First resolution, quit my job here)

Old NES games, now playable on your desk top
(Time wasting factor: off the scale!)

Today's random "next blog":

The Pain Dealer
(If you're from Cleveland, you know why this is hilarious. I normally don't link politically oriented blogs, but this guy gets points for being from the most beautiful place in the world, Cleveland.)

Today's strange anniversary:

January 3, 1825 -- Scottish factory owner Robert Owen buys 30,000 acres in Indiana as site for New Harmony utopian community. Indiana?

Also, on a more serious note (I occasionally have those), today marks the anniversary of the founding of March of Dimes (1938). This is an organization dedicated to understanding and eventually preventing birth defects and pre-mature birth and treating those infants born in these circumstances. I encourage you to support them.

Fun fact of the day:

The two longest one-syllable words in the English language are "screeched" and "strengths."

And finally:

More oddities from my exile in Russia-lite: My in-laws subscribe to Dish Network and all of the Russian-language channels that they provide. (It's amazing how many TV channels are out there...) They favored one in particular, which showed strange and trippy cartoons from the 70s that scared me (I suppose the Smurfs would have the same effect on them... Ever wanted to know how to say "Smurf" in Arabic or Icelandic?) During the commercial breaks, they advertised this rather interesting piece of history as well as a product that was called "Royal Placenta... Best for Hair."

Blessed Christmas from FIF

2006-12-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

A few thoughts on the coming apocalypse:

My wife and I are briefly back in Chicago following a couple days in Cleveland with my parents for Christmas (more on that in a moment) and preceding a flight to Atlanta tomorrow to spend the rest of the month with her parents and the two cutest nieces in the world.

We went to Walgreens to gather a few supplies and price the discounted Christmas merch. For those of you who know my theory of Walgreens, you know that every time I go there, something either hilarious or obscenely scary happens. Today, was no exception. Surely, the world is ending soon.

Ways to know that you're with my family for Christmas:

My father always asks for (and gets) new sweatpants from someone. He opens them and inevitably says, "Oh boy! Panties! Tanks! [sic]" That's my father.
To welcome the Savior of the world, we have chicken tacos and play Clue. I completely blunder into winning one game. Now, there's a traditional Christmas.
I got to have an all-too-rare visit with an old friend, Omar. Omar still wants to do the baseball blog with me, and I want to do it too.
My father, on finding out that his new little ceramic house (we've been getting them for him for years) sings when he claps at it, tries to make it sing "Silent Night" by doing all sorts of things to it. He tries the clapping cadence from "In the Navy" by the Village People. It works.
We all wondered what happened to the dog. It wasn't quite the same without him grabbing at the wrapping paper.
My grandmother... God bless her soul.
No matter where you go, people are short of temper and in a mood to swear at each other and pick fights. Peace on Earth. Good will to men. Get the %$#@ out of my way!
My mother still looks forward to hearing Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas. It's not the family time or anything else like that. It's Bob Rivers.
My wife knitted a Santa Claus.

On our way out of Chicago, we noted that Chicago radio station Q101 was again doing their end-of-the-year "14 years in 14 days" countdown. As we drove out, they were doing 1997. Specifically, they played this song, which I hadn't really heard in about... well, 9 years. Neither had you, and it's your new obsession song too now.

My brother will be graduating from college in the spring?

While I'm here:

On to the news:

Jesus is King... of Poland
(Jesus is Lord, but Elvis is King)

Santa catches a streaker
(He sees you when you're sleeping, but come on...)

A whole bunch of odd Christmas criminals
(Ummm...)

Today's fun fact:

What is the origin of Boxing Day? Answer: no one really knows.

And finally:

Being an Orthodox Christian, I have a bit of a different perspective on Christmas. Christmas Day in America is just the culmination of the entirety of about a month of partying that's been going on since Thanksgiving. In Orthodoxy, we fast for 40 days before Christmas so that we're prepared to celebrate for the 12 days of Christmas (thought that was just a song?) So, in that spirit, I wish you a continued happy, joyful, and blessed Christmas.

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

The First Annual FIF Awards

2006-12-15T16:14:00.000-05:00

This is my last regularly scheduled blog post for 2006. I'm sure that at some point in the next few days, I'll post a thing or two, but no guarantees. You'll have to make due with reading the old archives and laughing yourself silly there. Now that I've been blogging for six months, I have to say, I never thought I'd enjoy it this much. So, to end the year, I am proud to present my first annual FIF awards.

FIF story of the year (celebrity division):

Nominees:

Lindsay Lohan recruits Al Gore to help rehabilitate her image
(Did that one really happen?)

Britney Spears files for divorce from Kevin Federline, on the same day as the mid-term election
(She got top billing!)

O.J. Simpson wins a William Shatner Award for his planned "If I Did It Book"
(Blurring the lines between news and taste, once again, it's OJ!)

Anything involving Kevin Federline, for that matter
(14:58... 14:59... also, does anyone remember the EBay auction for the half-eaten sandwhich and corn dog eaten by Mr. and Mrs. Federline themselves?)

Or Paris Hilton
(Why is she famous again?)

Elton John to record hip-hop album with Snoop Dogg and Kanye West
(The mind boggles)

The Winner: This is essentially the Golden Federline Award. Britney Spears made a late charge at the end of the year with all of her post-divorce work. However, to give the award to Britney Spears would overlook both her guiding force during that time and the woman who has made more consistent and extensive contributions to the field of stupidity than anyone this year. The 2006 Golden Federline Award goes to Ms. Paris Hilton.

FIF story of the year (animal division):

Nominees:

Camel crashes Christmas party, drinks all the beer
(But oddly, didn't smoke any of the cigarettes)

The alpaca paternity lawsuit story
(Total head-scratcher)

Man chases herd of deer with his helicopter
(And is charged with airborne harrassment of wildlife)

Dog rides horse
(Dog bites man, not news. Man bites dog, news. Dog rides horse, FIF!)

Don't hug Swiss cows
(This was apparently a problem.)

Chicken serves as bridesmaid in wedding
(And apparently, they still got married)

The winner: A few good ones. The alpaca paternity story was odd, and the chicken bridesmaid was absurd, but nothing quite beats the thought of a man in a helicopter scaring a herd of deer.

FIF story of the year (stupid criminals division):

Nominees:

Man calls 911 to report that his drugs have been stolen
(Apparently, he had a few too many of them)

12 year old arrested for opening a Christmas gift early
(Called in by his mother... who bailed him out?)

Naked burglar?
(What exactly is the thought process that goes into this?)

The worst excuse for a speeding ticket of the year
(Lack of goats?)

Man doesn't want to tell airport officials that he's carrying a penis pump in his bag
(So he tells them it's a bomb)

Ex-con breaks into jail because he missed it
(He got his wish)

Perhaps he should have tried a less obvious disguise
(But, it's a great mental image)

The winner: The penis pump - bomb one was borderling on unbelievable. The speeding ticket was cute. Calling 911 to report that your drugs have been stolen is a head-shaker. But, the image of the cross-dressing bank robber on roller skates is beyond absurd. Our dumbest criminal of the year goes to the last story on that list.

FIF story of the year ("alcohol was involved" division)

Nominees:

Man fakes his own mugging to cover up his drunk-biking accident
(Yeah... I got... mugged...)

Customs officers discover bootleg vodka pipeline out of Russia
(Where else?)

Woman shows up drunk to her own DWI hearing
(Now that'll get some sympathy from the judge)

Drunk man runs himself over
(Don't drink and drive. The life you save may be your own.)

Drunk man gets into fight with panda
(Could be in the animal division too)

The winner: Does it matter?

FIF story of the year (WTF division):

Nominees:

School bans children from playing tag
(Too many accidents...)

The spray-on condom story
(Ummm?)

Man steals a doctor's note from his pregnant girlfriend
(Only women use gynecologists?)

Man who dresses up as cigarette busted for bigamy
(Errr...)

Dead woman wins election on coin flip
(Yeah...)

Ugly goldfish gets plastic surgery
(It'll be dead in two weeks anyway)

Mattel makes a dog for Barbie that actually poops
(Soon, Barbie herself will have internal organs)

Cows moo with regional accents
(And someone studied this)

Buddhist monks get into fight at peace protest
(Mental image...)

The winner: Hahahaha! Buddhist monks fighting!

Headline of the year:

Nominees:

Headline: Hermaphrodtic deer with seven legs 'tasty'
(From, well, yesterday)

Headline: Bee thieves stage sting
(Who steals bees?)

Headline: German lawyer seeks compensation for alien abduction victims
(Mental note: Call this guy)

Headline: Alleged burglar in thong leaves video
(?)

Headline: Teddy bear kills 2500 fish in New Hampshire
(They look so innocent, don't they...)

Headline: Man needed surgery after sex with hedgehog
(No kidding...)

Headline: Woman crashes while teaching dog to drive
(*jaw agape*)

The winner: Bee thieves stage sting was worthy of all the groans it got. Woman crashes car while teaching dog to drive is the headline that you look at for a moment and then realize why it's funny. Man having sex with hedgehog is just wrong. This year's winner, though, goes to that marauding teddy bear with a gun and the fish that fear him.

Brightest, shiniest object of the year:

Nominees:

Engrish.com has to at least have on representative
(Thanks Engrish.com)

Mark Day's Burger King of the Jews
(My new favorite comedian)

Funny game show answers
(People under pressure + TV camera = laughter)

Things the government has funded
(Thanks, wife, for this one)

Male restroom etiquette
(Required viewing for men)

Stupid antelope!
(Inside joke...)

The German country band's cover of Hey Ya!
(It has been a funny year, hasn't it...)

The Statz Rappers
(Let me see your what?)

Rollin' Wit Saget
(WTF factor: maximum)

The mother of all trailers
(My wife and I still say "And Edward Norton" to each other)

The winner: As a statistics teacher, anyone who takes Nelly and turns it into a song about statistics is good in my book.

Wife of the year:

Nominees:

DJ Chia Pet
(I love you, sweetie)

Winner: Well, I'll be, it's DJ Chia Pet.

And finally:

One more to end the year. My wife and I went to Walgreens tonight where we were scheduled to buy some miscellanity. We walk into the store and she takes charge saying, "OK, let's head over to the candy aisle." She leads me right to the feminine hygiene products aisle. I pointed out the small inconsistency. Her only response was, "I was actually aiming for the shampoo."

I love my wife.

To all of you FIF readers out there, may every blessing fall upon you and remain there during this Christmas-time, and onward into the new year. See you in 2007.

peace, love, happiness, banana pudding,
The Pizza Cutter

Nerdcore

2006-12-14T21:06:00.000-05:00

It's kind of an odd day here in FIF-land. I saw a road sign for a crosswalk with the usual stick-man walking across the street. Someone had put a sticker of a bottle in his hand and with that one detail it looked like he was tottering around drunk. My wife and I drove past a place called the "Touch of Class Lounge" which looked anything buy classy. People are outsourcing their holiday shopping, decorating, and wrapping. Joel Zumaya of the Detroit Tigers suffered what will undoubtedly be the dumbest injury of the year, inflaming his elbow while playing Guitar Hero, and Paris Hilton has reached new levels of skank.

This week's theme:
Year in Review, 2006

The end of the four part series, although strangely enough, it ends in mid-November. Nothing interesting enough has been happening lately. Oh well.

October 9th, North Korea tests a nuclear weapon and is roundly condemned by a bunch of other countries who also possess nuclear weapons. It wasn't the biggest bombshell dropped that day as it was announced that Google was buying YouTube for $1.6 billion dollars.

October 13th, U.S. Congressman Bob Ney pleads guilty to corruption charges brought against him. Despite pleading guilty to taking bribes while in office, he refuses to resign from the House for a couple weeks. One wonders, what exactly was he waiting for?

October 15th, legendary music club CBGB's closes down. Now you can laugh at your poseur friend in a band who has one and thinks he's cool by asking him to take you there at some point and having him say, yeah, that would be awesome. You fake.

On October 17th, the U.S. population hit 300 million. How did they know that?

October 31st, North Korea says that they really just wanna talk. (NK: I'm sorry about the whole detonating a nuclear device thing. Can you forgive me?)

November 7th, the Democrats take over the House (and the Senate) announcing a new direction for America and that they'll reform everything and not be corrupt and cut the deficit but keep all the programs that you like and make really good positive laws because America is a positive place where our great spirit is what makes us the home of freedom and liberty around the world. Or something like that. They'll eventually be kicked out because they'll be discovered to be corrupt, free-spending, pork-loving, folks who do nothing but spit out cliches. Lather, rinse, repeat.

On November 8th, D-Rums resigns as Secretary of Defense. He was the funniest man in America.

On November 19th, this happened. I remind you that 'this' can be an anagram for another word. It still applies.

But of course, the most important story of the year happened throughout the course of November when Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. Tomorrow, I'll be handing out my end-of-the-year awards. Bet on both of them to win several.

On to the news:

Headline: Hermaphrodtic deer with seven legs 'tasty'
(I don't write them i just read them)

Headline: Man uses antlers in road rage incident
(On any other day, this would have won in the "FIF stories involving forrest-dwelling ungulate body parts" category, but such is life.)

A few funny 911 calls
(Or as the British translate it "999")

Having taught classes, I can tell you... this is a really bad idea
(Some days you just want to shoot them)

Harry Potter has been legalized in Georgia
(My wife will be happy)

How not to rob a convenience store
(At FIF, we don't encourage felonies, but if you're out to rob a store, this is a good training guide on what not to do)

Bright, shiny objects:

Nerdcore
(Nerds rapping... the documentary)

How to attract members of the opposite sex as demonstrated using sock puppets
(WTF factor: medium well)

Today's random "next blog":

The dinosaur blog
(Posts about dinosaur-related matters)

Today's strange anniversary:

December 14, 1901 -- The first-ever ping pong tournament is held. I could sure kick your butt at a game of ping pong.

Fun fact of the day:

Other than humans, black lemurs are the only primates that may have blue eyes.

And finally:

My latest obsession song. One of those ones I remembered completely at random and can't get out of my head. Big hair and power chords, a match made in rock heaven.

Happy birthday to the clip-on tie

2006-12-13T17:46:00.000-05:00

Observed in my daily travels: Up the street from FIF World Hindquarters (Chicago Branch), there's a corner lot that like just about every corner lot around this time of year is selling chopped down Douglas Firs for you to proudly display in your window. Out front, it has a sign that says, "Christmas Trees! Happy Holidays!" Some of you more astute readers can already understand why this is funny. However, for those of you who don't, I'll break it down.

I understand that people are afraid of saying "Christmas" because it might offend someone, just like all the British citizens in this country get offended by people wishing them a Happy Fourth of July, unemployed people get offended by people wishing them a Happy Labor Day, and all us Orthodox Christians get offended when everyone tells us Happy Easter, even though Easter is a week or three away. Imagine if one of your Jewish friends wished you a Happy Chanukkah. What a horrible thing for your friend to say to you! Anyway, back to the lecture at hand.

So, you're selling an icon of Christmas... appropriately enough named a Christmas tree. The people coming to shop at your corner lot are likely to be celebrating said Christmas holiday. But, you give the non-committal Happy Holidays because you'll offend... one of your customers?

This week's theme:
Year in review, 2006

Now into our second half of the year, we continue with our look back at 2006, FIF-style.

On July 2nd, Mexicans go to the polls, and in a close election amid multiple reports of voter irregularities (particularly in the Spanish-speaking areas of the country), controversey breaks out over who exactly won. It lasts for a month and a half and is finally resolved after lengthy recounts. I'm telling you, it can happen anywhere. Gotta love democracy!

July 4th, North Korea decides that it will show the world how technologically advanced it is by shooting off a missile called the Taepedong (giggle). The missile promptly fails.

On July 9th, a real international incident breaks out as Zinedine Zidane of France headbutts Marco Materazzi of Italy in the final match of the World Cup. France then loses on penalties 5-3.
July 15th, the UN decides that the best way to get North Korea to stop testing missiles is to do the only thing it knows how to do: pass a resolution. This apparently took 11 days to figure out. The UN also considers passing a resolution aimed at Zidane.

July 18th, outrage builds as Madonna performs a concert in which, as part of her stage act, she cruifies herself on stage. Ummm, after "Like a Prayer", you were perhaps expecting...

On July 20th, Congress gives itself cheap points by voting 98-0 to extend the Voting Rights Act another 25 years. The law makes it illegal to discriminate based on race in matters of voting. This makes me wonder: Why not just make it permanent? Will it ever be right to discriminate based on race in voting?

July 26th, we found out the Lance Bass of N*Sync is gay. I, for one, was shocked.

July 28th, Mel Gibson is pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. He blames the Jews. Mel, if you're out there reading this, not only are you a disgrace to honest and decent people out here, but you're actually embarassing all the anti-Semites out there. Think about that for a couple minutes...

July 31st, it appears that Fidel Castro may be mortal. Following surgery, he turns over the official reins of the government to his brother. However, contrary to popular belief, he does not die. Dick Clark. The Queen of England. Fidel Castro. Cal Ripken. Does anyone remember any time that they weren't in their respective positions? What's that? Ripken retired?

August 8th, in Connecticut, former VP nominee Joe Lieberman is defeated in the Democratic Senatorial primary by Ned Lamont. Undaunted, he decides to run any way. Strangely enough, he wins. Again, the joys of democracy!

On August 14th, Dell Computers warned everyone that their laptop was about to catch fire. This includes the laptop that usually brings you FIF. Hey, my fingers are feeling kinda hot...

August 17th, a federal judge reported that tobacco companies have “their lethal product with zeal, with deception, with a single-minded focus on their financial success.” No freaking way!

August 18th, Snakes on a Plane finally premieres after months of buzz. Audiences are shocked to find out that the film really isn't all that good.

On August 24th, a day on which the FDA approved over-the-counter use of the "morning-after pill", which you think might generate a little more discussion, the entire world was in an uproar because Pluto was demoted from planet-hood. For weeks on end, no one seemed able to function and debates raged on in which people with no qualifications in astronomy argued with other people with no qualifications in astronomy. Apparently, this makes a difference.

September 12th brought us J-Ratz (aka Pope Bingo) and his widely-quoted remarks on Islam, in which, depending on whom you ask, he either condemned all Muslims as "evil and inhuman" or quoted an obscure 14th century work that he didn't even agree with. In an attempt to prove that they are not evil, vicious savages, a few very misguided Muslims decide to desecrate Christian holy places and start riots. That'll show 'em!

September 18th, a tape in which Hungarian prime minister Ferenc Gyurcsany admits that he lied about the state of the Hungarian economy to win votes is released to the media. Riots break out. This is why America needs to export democracy. They would know that this was standard faire.

On September 20th, Gen. Sondhi Boonyaratkalin of Thailand overthrows the government. He installs as his spokesperson a former Miss Asia. There's got to be a Tony Snow joke in there somewhere.

On to the news:

If you thought the barking dogs "Jingle Bells" was annoying...
(A farm animal Christmas album can't be that far away)

Shoppers rescue thief from police
(It was so much easier when the bad guys all wore black stetsons)

Texas looks to legalize blind hunting
(No Dick Cheney jokes, please...)

Bright, shiny objects:

A fellow blogspotter posts about his knitting adventures coming back to Chicago
(Thank you, wife, for the link)

Since we're doing funny blog posts today
(The infamous ghetto indoor pool)

Today's random "next blog":

British property traders/real estate folks living in Valencia, Spain
(with pictures.)

Today's strange anniversary:

Today also marks the 104th anniversary of the first Wright Brothers flight at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, but more importantly:

December 13, 1928 -- Clip-on tie designed. Now there's an invention that America couldn't live without.

Fun fact of the day:

Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney logo.

And finally:

I'm trying to think of something fun to do on my birthday this Saturday. My wife and I are going to spend the day together, but doing what? Anyone have any good suggestions?

But I thought ferris wheels were romantic

2006-12-13T00:09:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on!

Another video game is accused of glorifying violence.
Storm troopers are once again on the march. (Apparently, they'll be behind the llamas?)
Apparently, 45% of Americans know someone who is racist, but only 12% admit that they are. So, is this a case of "But some of my best friends are racists!"
Drinking is apparently good for you.

In other words, nothing new is happening.

This week's theme:
Year in Review, 2006

Picking up for part deux of the FIF year in review:

April Fools' Day sees Justin Timberlake win the belching contest at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Now that's bringing Sexy Back!

On April 6th, scientists (funny how it's always just some random "scientists") announced that they had discovered a fossil of the "missing link" between fish and land animals. This was likely made around midnight between day five and day six.

April 11th saw the Italian people go to the polls and elect a guy named Romano Prodi by about 25,000 votes over AC Milan chairman Silvio Berlusconi. Berlusconi asked for a recount and the case was finally settled by Italy's highest court. See, it can happen anywhere.

On April 25th, President G-Dubs names talk show host Tony Snow as White House Press Secretary. This is the biggest news story of April, due to the fact that nothing interesting seemed to happen all month.

That is until April 29th, when Stephen Colbert... well, we all know what Stephen Colbert did on April 29th.

May 1st, there were massive rallies by immigrants seeking recogition, citizenship, and (the real reason for any protest) to find a date. Hundreds of restaurants shut down because of "an inability to bring you the high quality of service you've come to expect from us." Everyone knows what that means, but strangely, no one will say it.

On May 3rd, major beverage companies proclaim that they will no longer sell pop/soda/carbo-bevs to schools. I posted this because apparently, there's a website out there called bevnet.com, which focuses specifically on news around the beverage industry. Proof that you can find anything on the internet.

May 21st, Montenegro votes for independence from Serbia. A brand new country was formed and once again, America didn't notice.

May 24th saw Taylor Hicks, a man who looks worryingly like Jay Leno, win American Idol.

June 7th brought us the Senate voting on a Constitutional amendment that would have banned gay marriage. Yeah, a war in Iraq. Billions and trillions of dollars of debt. Crime, homelessness, poverty. And we're worried about...

June 15th, Bill Gates says that he will step aside as CEO of Microsoft in two years to instead focus on charitable giving. It will take him that long for his Windows-based computer in his office to shut down.

On June 18th, the Anglican Communion elects a woman, Katharine Jefferts Schori, to be its next leader. She's listed as the first woman to lead a major world religion. I think it's funny that someone thought the Anglicans were a major religion.

On to the news:

Kazakhstan: first Borat, now PETA
(In other news, Sacha Baron Cohen won the lawsuit brought against him by the frat boys in his movie)

Burglars give money to the victim
('Tis better to give than to receive?)

But today's top story comes to us from Berlin, Germany:

BERLIN (Reuters) - German animal rights activists have launched a campaign against plans to put up a giant ferris wheel in Berlin, saying it would disturb the sex lives of rhinos in a nearby zoo.

A group of investors has unveiled plans to erect a 175-metre high wheel for 120 million euros (80 million pounds) in the German capital, hoping to attract millions of visitors from 2008. But animal rights activists oppose the project, saying the fully-illuminated wheel would disturb the rhinos' daily routine.

"We're worried that these endangered animals won't breed any more, which would hamper animal protection programmes," Berlin's animal rights association said in a statement.

The planned Berlin wheel would be higher than the London Eye, which claims to be the world's tallest observation wheel at 135 metres, according to its Web site.

What exactly do the rhinos do on a daily basis?

Bright, shiny objects:

What's for breakfast?
(The stupid leprechaun finally gets his comeupance)

Robot playing foosball machine
(They can already beat us in chess, why not foosball?)

Today's random "next blog":

I think it's a blog about the Tornoto Maple Leafs
(That's the fun of the "next blog" button)

Today's strange anniversary:

December 12, 1966 -- The Supreme Court (yeah, that one) votes 4-3 to allow the Milwaukee Braves to move to Atlanta. Will someone tell me why they were even involved?

Fun fact of the day:

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

And finally:

I clicked on Amazon.com today because I like browsing their website. What greeted me was one of their usual splashes on their front page. This time, they showed the "Most Gifted" books. I'm guessing that these are the ones that have most often been bought for others as gifts. The three that were posted were Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope (makes sense), Amy Sedaris's I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence (huh?), and finally You on a Diet.

What exactly are you trying to say?

Let's review, shall we?

2006-12-11T21:38:00.000-05:00

I actually started the Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!) to catalogue the funny news stories that happen every day. It just kinda grew from there. Usually, the funny stories are relegated to the "On to the news" section. But once in a while, we get something here that looks like this:

WICHITA, Kan. - A Wichita man called 911 to report he was the victim of an armed robbery. The theft? A pound of marijuana worth about $1,100 that he had been trying to sell at his home.

The victim told police Thursday that a buyer had pulled out a sawed-off shotgun and stole the drugs. Police brought in a drug-sniffing dog to the house and located more marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

The victim was booked into Sedgwick County jail on several charges, including possession with the intent to sell drug. The thief has not been found.

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

This week's theme:
Year in Review, 2006

This will be my last week of blogging for the year. (I know, sad.) So, this week, I figured it would be best to review the year FIF-style.

We begin on January 1st, where Dick Clark, despite being having suffered a stroke, showed up at midnight to ring in the new year. The man is immortal. Even after he dies, I'm predicting that they'll bring him back Weekend at Bernie's style.

On January 3rd, Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff (giggle) agrees to a plea deal in which he will testify that just about everyone in Congress is a crook. Shock ensues!

On January 19th, NASA lanches the New Horizons probe which will take a nine year journey to the edge of the solar system to explore Pluto. Hopes are dashed later in the year when astronomers, some of whom presumably work for NASA, point out that Pluto isn't a planet. Buzzkill.

On January 23rd, Canadians went to the polls and elected a new conservative government after many years of the liberal Labour party being in power. Nobody in America noticed. So, on January 25th, the Hamas political party won control of the Palestinian assembly. Most Americans still think Hamas is a Scots dish involving sheep intestines.

January 31st marks the first day on the job for Samuel Alito as a Supreme Court justice. After a long, protracted fight on both sides to keep him from being confirmed, Americans can breathe easily and go back to not being able to name him or the eight people he works with. But they can name the Seven Dwarfs.

On February 4th, and for a few days afterwards, following the publication of a few political cartoons in a Danish newspaper depicting the prophet Mohammed (a big no-no in Islam), riots are held in which everything Danish is burned. The problem is that... well, it was a small fire. A counter-protest in which people actively sought to buy Danish products turned up little more than some butter cookies. Attempts to buy Ikea furniture were rebuffed when Bill O'Reilley was informed that Ikea is actually Swedish and that's different.

February 5th, The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 in Superbowl XL. A few highlights from the game are here, here, here, and here.

February 10th saw the opening of the 20th Olympic Winter Games in Torino, Italy. You forgot about that, didn't you.

On February 11th, Dick Cheney sends a gift to stand-up commedians all over America by shooting his friend in the face. Cheney immediately withdrew from the biathlon portion of the Olympics. (A thought: Who came up with this idea? Let's take someone and make them cross-country ski for a few hours, and then get their heart rate really going. Then, let's have them shoot guns! Answer: Norwegian soldiers in the 18th century)

For most of the days following February 23rd, America was told that it was angry about a company in Dubai, which none of them could locate, which is in the business of running seaports, which none of them knew anything about, really, was contracted to run some American seaports. Everyone screamed that this was bad, but no one really knew why. But they were sure it had nothing to do with the fact that they were Middle Eastern.

On February 28th, the Supreme Court, apparently having nothing better to do, hears the case of whether Anna Nicole Smith should really inherit that rich guy's money.

March 5th, at the Academy Awards, Crash, a film about racism in L.A. beats Brokeback Mountain, a film about gay cowboys. (Neither should have beaten Good Night and Good Luck, but that's another blog.) Also winning awards was March of the Penguins, a film about penguins having sex.

March 10th brought the resignation of Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton. Most Americans were unaware that such a department and person actually existed.

On March 15th, Sadaam Hussein, testifying in his own defense brags about his role in the charges he's facing death for. He considers writing a book called, "If I Did It..."

In France, on March 28th, young workers set out to protest a law that would allow companies to fire them within 2 years for no official reason. In an attempt to show that they would actually make excellent workers, the (mostly) students take to the street and start a riot. Makes sense.

Perhaps they were rioting over the "Britney Spears Giving Birth" sculpture that premiered that day. This featured a nude likeness of Mrs. Federline over a bearskin rug giving birth. Apparently not happy with this depiction, Spears decided to set the record straight on everything later in the year.

March 31st, Former U.S. Senator George Mitchell is tapped to start a probe into the possibility that some Major League Baseball players may have used steroids.

On to the news:

Crime fighting Santa!
(They'll clearly be getting lumps of coal)

Dog gets plastic surgery
(Let's play a game called "priorities")

Yet another man tries to do a Santa impersonation
(Contains the sentence: "Emergency workers were summoned at about 3:20 a.m., but it wasn't clear who called them.")

Border patrol finds alligator in someone's suitcase
(Huh?)

Bright, shiny objects:

It's time for our Monday check of Engrish.com
(Mine smells like roses)

Kosherland?
(Oy vey!)

Today's random next blog:

A painting blog by a young Polish artist living in New York
(I'm impressed.)

The Monday playlist feature:

This week features my birthday (Saturday the 16th). Naturally, there are a lot of memories associated with my birthday, and I suppose I could pick any of them. But, today, I go with December 16, 1995, my 16th birthday. This day will go down in history as the first time I was on television. At least, that's the day we taped the show. It was a high school quiz show that my school participated in. We wiped the floor with the competition.

Here's what we listened to afterwards:

5) Alanis Morrisette -- Hand in my Pocket

4) Madonna -- You'll See

3) Goo Goo Dolls -- Name

2) Whitney Houston -- Exhale (Shoop Shoop)

1) Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men -- One Sweet Day

Has it been 11 years since Jagged Little Pill? I feel so old right now. I've never heard of the Madonna song. And perhaps there is someone out there who knows why the Whitey Houston reference is outright hilarious.

Today's strange anniversary:

December 11, 1928 -- NL President John Heydler proposes that teams be allowed to use a "designated hitter" to bat for pitchers. That idea will never work.

Fun fact of the day:

A few fun facts about islands.

And finally:

Another trip to Walgreens, another sign of the apocalypse. This seems to happen every time that I go to Walgreens. For those of you who are keeping track, it's December in Chicago. I was in buying shaving razors minding my own business. Someone came in and asked if the store carried suntan lotion.

Can't blame him for being optimistic.

Six years later, she hasn't killed me

2006-12-08T23:38:00.000-05:00

I don't want this to become a celebrity news blog, really. But there are some days when the story just writes itself. Lindsay Lohan apparently ran into Al Gore at a banquet. That sentence right there is just weird enough to be a headliner here at FIF. However, she's claiming that Gore promised that he would help her to get her reputation back together.

My wife's response: "This WTF moment has been brought to you by..." (side note: I love my wife.)

After all, if I needed someone who could project a really good media-friendly image for a 20-something starlet, the first person that I'd go to would be Al Gore.

Gore's response was that he didn't know what Lohan was talking about. I don't know either, but for extensive contributions to the field of stupidity, I hereby award thee, Lindsay Lohan, with a Federline Award. Salve, stulta! Popozao!

This is even funnier because I just finished watching Mean Girls.

This week's theme:
Pulp Fiction

We finish up this week's theme with a few clips. Funny enough, if you probably looked hard enough, you could probably watch the entirety of the movie on YouTube.

The opening scene

The dancing scene

Oh go ahead, someone post all of the links.

On to the news:

Shoplifter tripped up by her own pants after stealing a potato peeler, some Rolo candy, measuring spoons and a "a 15-ounce box of strawberry Nestle's Nesquik" hidden in her crotch.
(There's a Britney Spears joke lurking in there somewhere...)

More people in the spirit of the season
(It's today's "alcohol was (sorta) involved" story)

Things not to do on your wedding night
(Unless you're into that...)

Bright, shiny objects:

You'll be puzzling over these for hours
(Thanks to my wife for sorta sending me this link)

Mary Poppins, the horror movie
(Well now, another piece of my childhood ruined by the internet)

Today's random "next blog":

A fashion blog
(Which is obviously the perfect thing for me to link)

Today's strange anniversary:

December 8, 1987 -- Flyers' Ron Hextall becomes 1st goalie to actually score a goal. Not a lot of really interesting anniversaries out there today. (Wink, wink)

Fun fact of the day:

Why do they call it a station wagon?

Something so disturbing it defies all categorization:

This is from the actual White House website. I'm not kidding you. This is your tax dollars at work. How disturbing is it? It features Dolly Parton.

It's Barney Cam. Part Five.
(I suppose in the absence of Chad Vader 5, this will do.)

And finally:

Today is the sixth anniversary of when my wife and I started dating. If you're out there reading this, darling, I love you. Thanks for six years of unbelievable hilarity. Not to mention carrying me through all the rough times and rejoicing with me at the happy times. You're the best.

If you're not my wife, I love you too. Just not exactly in the same way.

Shop 'til you drop... of smoke inhalation

2006-12-07T18:14:00.000-05:00

There just won't be time for a full post today. My wife and I are going to something involving NPR, which I was told very little about.

(Update: I got to see Tom Bodett live and in the flesh!!! Am I a total nerd that this makes me happy? He even left the light on for me.)

So, a few tidbits to tide you over.

This week's theme:
Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction in 30 seconds with bunnies.
(I'm not kidding)

On to the news:

Alone this Christmas?
(Now you don't have to be! A thought: If you know someone is going lonely at Christmas, why not invite them over...)

This is what Christmas is really about
(Shopping, despite your life being in danger. In Cleveland.)

Man fakes his own mugging to avoid wife's wrath
(It's this week's "alcohol was involved" story.)

The Seminole Indian tribe is buying the Hard Rock Cafe and Hotels
(I'm serious.)

Bright, shiny objects:

The top 100 NES games of all-time
(Don't try to hide. You'll click on it and waste a mountain of time there.)

No one ever said cheerleaders were the brightest bunch
(But, come on...)

Today's random "next blog":

Looks like a baby blog
(Awww! factor: high)

And finally:

Last night, we got to see my pastor's and his wife's baby. Such a joyful thing.

Where's my tragus?

2006-12-06T17:12:00.000-05:00

And now a few prayers. Because surely, the apocalypse is upon us now.

Playgrounds in America might never be the same: Paris Hilton says she wants to have children— soon.

The partying heiress says that hanging around with her new best friend, Britney Spears, and Spears' two tykes has made her want to reproduce.

“It’s been my dream to have four babies by 30,” the 25-year-old heiress announced, reports Life & Style Weekly. And Hilton thinks she’s highly qualified for motherhood, explaining: “I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.”

Let's play a game of "count the number of ways in which that is wrong." Shall we?

Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are apparently Hollywood's new power couple.
Britney Spears hasn't actually done anything musical in a while and is now mostly famous for being the wife of Kevin Federline. (A thought: Paris Hilton has had a "hit single" more recently than Britney. So has K-Fed.)
Paris recently announced (recently being July...) that she's giving up sex for a year. Perhaps you could see how this might be a bit of an obstacle for her. (Funnier, perhaps she doesn't)
"I look after animals, so I'd have a lot to give my kids." The dull thudding sound that you hear is me ramming my head into the wall. It makes the pain go away.

The end is nigh.

This week's theme:
Pulp Fiction

I wish the above were fiction. But, such is life. For all you fans out there, today, I present a few links dedicated to the movie. I'm sure that if you like it, you will use them to waste more time than you had ever envisioned.

First off, all you Wikis, see what you think here.

The script is apparently on-line.

A few sound clips from the film.

And for good measure, an extra bone for you Tarantino fans.

On to the news:

Camel crashes Christmas party
(And drinks all the beer. It's illegal to drink and operate a vehicle, but what if the vehicle is drunk?)

It's a slow "odd news" day. You'd think there was something important going on. Like major decisions on a war or something.

Bright, shiny objects:

Behind the scenes of the White & Nerdy video
(Al-aholics, unite!)

What would happen if you drew a line from one zip code to another in sequential order, like a connect-the-dots?
(Oddly enough, this. It's the sort of question I'd ask.)

Today's random "next blog":

Notes from the Cookie Jar
(A Canadian mom blogs about being a mom, and other things. Includes cookie recipes! Here in FIF-land, we like to bake.)

Today's strange anniversary:

December 6, 1933 -- Ban on James Joyce' "Ulysses" in US, lifted. As a result, no one actually reads it except college English majors. And they only read the Clff's Notes version.

Fun fact of the day:

The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus.

And finally:

It's St. Nicholas Day! Happy Sinterklaas to all of FIF's Dutch readers. (I make it sound like I have stateside readers...)

YouTube is destroying society... and I have proof

2006-12-05T19:46:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on:

Jessica Simpson did something stupid
What is it about New York? The Yankees aren't trading A-Rod and Hillary Clinton is only sorta kinda thinking about running for President. (wink, wink)
Britney Spears is apparently very popular on the internet
And for some strange reason, Iran has banned YouTube.

In other words, nothing new is happening.

This week's theme:
Pulp Fiction

This is actually what started my thinking about Pulp Fiction: the only single and hit that Urge Overkill ever had: Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon.

Sadly, it was a cover.

On to the news:

No one else will understand why this is funny
(But I got a cheap laugh out of it. What does that say about me?)

Blind man takes over for drunk driver
(With predictable results. Also, his punishment was to be banned from driving for two years. And after that, it's apparently OK...)

Yeah, soon enough, it won't be science fiction anymore
(On the subject, I recommend this)

12-year-old arrested for opening Christmas present early
(The thing that scares me is that the cops actually arrested the kid)

Bright, shiny objects:

Finally, like, an ATM for, like, blondes
(Like totally)

People with no tomorrow
(Ummm... well... I just hope they're all photoshopped)

Today's random "next blog":

Cool desktop wallpaper blog
(A guy apparently makes desktop images... find them here. Quite nice.)

Today's strange anniversary:

December 5, 1776 -- 1st US fraternity, Phi Beta Kappa (William & Mary College), forms. I'm from Beta of Ohio, Kenyon College. I've always wondered though. Didn't they have... oh, I don't know... anything better to worry about in late 1776?

Fun fact of the day:

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

And finally:

For those of you who wanted to take away my Guy Card (tm) for knitting, I encourage you to watch this. Either it was a nice coincidence that this was a featured video on YouTube or someone at YouTube reads my blog. Apparently not someone in Iran.

Santa Claus is coming... to town

2006-12-04T22:07:00.000-05:00

I hate snow. Yesterday, I spent half and hour chiseling my car out of a six inch covering of the stuff, because it snowed in Chicago when it was 30 degrees, meaning the stuff mostly turned directly to ice. All this to get the grocery store. My wife, who is from Atlanta, told me, "I love snow. It's so pretty." I asked her whether she had ever driven in snow. She didn't seem to have an answer for that one.

I love my wife.

Speaking of my wife, last Thursday night, she taught me how to knit. I'm not terribly good at it, but I can understand why it's so hypnotic. But now let's see: I'm addicted to Gilmore Girls, I know how to knit... yeah, my Guy Card will be taken away from me at some point in the near future.

This week's theme:
Pulp Fiction

I've been borderline obsessed with this movie lately. Hey, why not. A reminder that there are a few... adult... words in what follows, so, proceed with caution.

With that said, Do you read the Bible?

Apparently, Samuel L. Jackson doesn't.

On to the news:

So that's all it takes...
(How to live to be 120... or maybe she just forgot how old she was)

Proof that you can file a lawsuit over anything
(And I mean anything.)

First my library books, now my garage door
(Thank God no Americans actually go to the library)

Saudi Arabia allows women to sell cars, but not drive them
(No comment.)

Bright, shiny objects:

Let's see what our weekly check of Engrish.com turns up...
(Perhaps that trip abroad is not such a good idea.)

Someone get me this t-shirt
(Rudolph?)

Today's random "next blog":

You never know what's going to come up when you hit the "next blog" button:

A blog by a guy who reads books about being a millionaire
(If becoming a millionaire is that easy, why aren't there more millionaires?)

Monday playslist feature:

This week includes December 6th, which is the feast of St. Nicholas. It's also the anniversary of my First Communion, back when I was Catholic. This took place in 1987.

What was America listening to back then?

5) Whitesnake -- Is This Love?

4) Sting -- We'll Be Together

3) Richard Marx -- Should Have Known Better

2) George Michael -- Faith(!!!)

1) Belinda Carlisle -- Heaven is a Place on Earth

Could this be any more of an 80's list? Seriously, take a look at the rest of the chart from that week and tell me that you wouldn't listen a radio station programmed with those songs.

Today's strange anniversary:

December 4, 977 -- Karel, the Great, becomes king of all France. He's so great that I've never heard of him.

Fun fact of the day:

Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is second and Oliver Twist is third.

And finally:

Just for good measure, Moby and Debbie Harry of Blondie have collaborated on a new song. It's brilliant.

Happy 100th post

2006-12-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

It's the official 100th installment of the Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!). I did receive a few messages of congratulations from around the web including this one from Borat. He wanted to thank me for hyping his movie, despite the fact that I still have yet to see it.

J-Ratz himself checked in, following up on his recent efforts to heal divisions between the Catholic Church and Christian Orthodoxy.
Chuck Norris also sent me this lovely card, before he went out to kill everyone in Alaska with his bare hands. Nice, Chuck.

This week's theme:
Oh the places I've gone!

Today, we visit Pine Mountain State Park in Kentucky, the continuation of the "let's pick a state and go there" series that my parents put together some years ago. I did get to stand in three states at once (Kentucky, Tennesee, Virginia).

On to the news:

Blind man sentenced to spend four weeks in a library
(Um...)

Power Ranger fights off burglar
(Uh...)

Man shoots himself with his own crossbow
(Er...)

I think this excising Jesus from Christmas thing has gone a little too far
(Yeah...)

Bright, shiny objects:

Burger King of Kings
(I should give this guy an entire section of the blog. Look for the rest of his vids.)

The ten hottest Disney Girls of all time
(As opposed to the Bond Girls)

Today's random "next blog":

Now here, no where
(The tagline is: "My fascinating adventures in bookstores, as well as deep, meaningful insights into my life. Or just silly ones. Whatever works." My kind of blog!)

Today's strange anniversary:

December 1, 1929 -- Game of Bingo invented by Edwin S Lowe. If he were about six when he did that, he'd now be old enough to play the game.

Today is also the anniversary of Michael Jackson releasing Thriller (1982). He(?) used to be really good. Perhaps there should be an award for people who fall so far into the depths of laughability called the Michael Jackson award. This year's award would go to Kevin Federline.

Fun fact of the day:

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

And now a word from our sponsors:

A commercial for milk from Japan
(Is that all it takes?)

And finally:

It's time for our weekly check of Is It Friday dot net!

French fries or French kissing?

2006-11-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

The joys of getting my news from reading the paper through the vending machine. Today's Chicago Sun-Times features a huge banner headline proclaiming "There is a God." Next to it was a large picture of disgraced former Illinois Governor George Ryan. Apparently, George Ryan is God. Looking a little closer, it says, "A Sneed exclusive, George Ryan says... There is a God." Ah, so George Ryan is the pre-eminent theologian and philosopher of the era...

In other Chicago news, Barak Obama and Ludacris held a joint summit at Northwestern University on AIDS. I'm not making this up.

This week's theme:
Oh the places I've been!

For a few years, my parents were really into picking a random state and going there. One year, we did Westmoreland, Virgina. It was a nice place, although a little... rustic. While we were there, we went to the birthplace of George Washington, which oddly enough is just down the street from the birthplace of Robert E. Lee. I suppose that since I'm reading Battle Cry of Freedom, I should appreciate the deep historical connection. Maybe the joke is too high-brow.

On to the news:

Kazahstani journalist makes a documentary about America
(Really)

A spray-on condom?
(I have neither the time nor the energy to make this stuff up)

Blind 94-year-old woman bowls a 244 game
(This is only funny because when I bowl, I rarely break 100)

Bright, shiny objects:

Would you like fries with that?
(I took a similar picture of myself with Ronald a few years ago)

10 seasons of Friends in 90 seconds
(The one where it all makes sense)

Today's random "next blog":

A couple blogs about their trip around the world
(Why not, after all... they also are recently engaged)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 30, 1983 - Radio Shack announces Tandy Model 2000 computer (80186 chip). That's what we use here at FIF central.

Fun fact of the day:

Sheriff came from Shire Reeve. During early years of feudal rule in England, each shire had a reeve who was the law for that shire. When the term was brought to the United States it was shortned to Sheriff.

And finally:

They start so young!

Et cum spiri-220

2006-11-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

It's time for our Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on. Problem is that it's Wednesday.

Odd celebrity marriage doesn't stand the test of time. Or four months.
Snoop Dogg arrested, yet again
Al-Qaeda denounces the Pope's visit to Turkey. Because I was waiting p all night to see if they would be for it or against it. (Whoever runs Al-Qaeda's PR department should be fired.)
International super-group may break up due to lead singer leaving the band.

In other words, nothing new is going on.

This week's theme:
Oh the places I've gone!

Today, I give you one of my favorite places in the world: Frankenmuth, Michigan. This was always the family vacation to look forward to in the summer. It's really just a little tourist trap town with a Bavarian theme. All that you really do is eat and shop. We would stay here, eat here (or here), and shop here.

My wife and I even went there for some of our honeymoon.

On to the news:

Twelve year old gets bartending license in England
(They're starting younger and younger)

Kim Jong-Il can't have an iPod
(This means he and I will be the only two people in the world without one. But he'll be so ronery...)

Bright, shiny objects:

Street Fighter, the later years
(ever wonder what happened to Ryu, Bison, Dalsim, and the rest of the crew?)

Part Deux
(Apparently, there's more to come. But, I'm still waiting for Chad 5.)

Today's random "next blog":

A book club in cyberspace... on a blog!
(Brilliant idea!)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 29, 1964 -- Roman Catholic Church in US replaces Latin with English. O tempus! O mores! Quid faciamus?

Fun fact of the day:

Why do they call it a "green room" if it's not green?

And finally:

Welcome to the world.

An odd dream

2006-11-28T21:10:00.000-05:00

An odd dream I had:

It's Late November... but it's 65 degrees outside. For some reason, I'm in an open field at the top of a hill, but there's a gas station there. I recognize this as rural Georgia. Inside the little shop, it's filled with the usual, beer (which you can't drink before you drive home), cigarettes (which you can't smoke at a gas station), and a wine cellar? In one ear, I hear people babbling in Russian. In the other, I hear drawl. I gaze around the store and see hats emblazoned with the logo of of several Mexican soccer clubs.

Wait, that was last Sunday.

This week's theme:
Oh the places I've gone!

This week, I'm dedicating the theme to strange, quirky, and neat places that I've actually been to. Speaking of this past Sunday, I give you Dahlonega, Georgia.

It's a gold rush town from the less-discussed Georgia Gold Rush of the 1830's. The discovery of gold in those parts, however, had a more (in)famous outcome. Settlers were suddenly clamoring to work the land, but unfortunately, the Cherokee Indians decided that since they had been staying there for a few hundred years or so, they saw need to move. Andrew Johnson saw differently.

Not that they really mention that part.

On to the news:

A man didn't think his excuse through too well
(But then again, I've heard worse)

Is that a guitar in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
(Can't it be both?)

Ever wonder what those chess club kids were doing?
(Aparently the IOC is too)

And now a story my wife will appreciate and scratch her head over
(If you don't know why, check out her blog)

Bright, shiny objects:

Ever wonder what happened to Nemo?
(Tip of the cap to friend Steve)

Time for our weekly gem from Engrish.com
(Usually a Monday thing...)

Today's random "next blog":

I think it's a swimming blog. Not sure.
(This is what happens when you push the "next blog" button. I'm sure someone thinks the same thing about me.)

Monday (kinda...) playlist feature:

Going back in history this week to Thanksgiving weekend of 2003, in which I got to watch my beloved high school alma mater be humiliated in the state championship football game.

Here's what America was listening to back then.

5) 3 Doors Down -- Here Without You

4) No Doubt -- It's My Life

3) Baby Bash f. Frankie J -- Suga Suga

2) Beyonce Knowles f. Sean Paul -- Baby Boy

1) Outkast -- Hey Ya!

Blah. I should really do older events in my life. It's just that I don't remember them. But, the music was so much better.

Today's strange anniversary:

November 28, 1895 -- America's 1st auto race starts; 6 cars, 55 miles, and the winner averages 7 MPH. If you'd like a replay, go to Florida tomorrow.

Fun fact of the day:

The Book of Esther in the Bible is the only book which does not mention the name of God.

And finally:

Bob Saget was on Law and Order?

How do you say Thanksgiving in Russian?

2006-11-23T21:37:00.000-05:00

I've been exiled to FIF's southern command headquarters in Atlanta, where I spent my first ever Thanksgiving away from my parents. I had dinner with my in-laws (my mother- and father-in-law, plus my brother-in-law and his wife, and the two cutest nieces in the world) and we had a fabulous time. That said, I still missed out on a few family traditions:

Quasi-relative Carol. To trace exactly how she fits into the family tree would take a few moments. But, she comes to all of our functions, and why not.
Watching the half-time show of the Dallas football game (hell, watching football, even though I don't really like football), where they do the annual kick off to the NFL's charity drive with my brother. We sit and laugh at the number of cliches present (NFL players serving food, playing around with kids, children in native costumes on stage, the Cowboy cheerleaders trying to pretend that they're interested... I watched it here, but it's not the same without my brother. This year they had Carrie Underwood singing something or other. Add another time that she appears on Fox is a subtle cross promotion for American Idol.
Ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. Instead, I got baklava. I'm at a house with a bunch of Russians on an American holiday and I ate Greek pastry.
My grandmother's cranberry mold. The most amazing food on the planet.

But on the happy side, I got to learn a few Russian words. It helps that my niece is one-year-old and my Russian vocabulary is that of a one-year-old. We get along famously. My in-laws are wonderful and my wife is always fun. Plus, I got to see my now 3-day-old niece. I can't imagine ever being that responsible for anything.

While I'm here...

On to the news:

Turkeys try to make a run for it in New Jersey
(Seriously)

Somebody apparently thought Snakes on a Plane was real
(I'm tired of these... oh never mind)

Parents tell little lies to their children!
(This is dedicated to my mother who told me that the turkey was actually chicken. Thanks mom.)

And finally:

It was suggested that we go see a movie tonight. It probably won't happen tonight, but I recommended that we go see Borat. This means that I'm going to go see Borat with a bunch of Russians. Someone call the irony police.

If I wrote this blog, here's how I'd do it

2006-11-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

It's time for our weekly Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on.

1) America has a toy shortage! We're apparently also worried about this. Mind you, we're not worried about the food and medicine shortage in other parts of the world. After all, that's not what Christmas is about.

2) Although I do hold out some hope for America. If O.J. did it, he at least won't make millions off of it.

3) Another chief executive officer makes a stop off in Hawaii for uh, business purposes... yeah, that's right... business purposes.

4) And, apparently now that reality has become TV, TV will now become reality. Or, put another way, now the TV really is raising your kids.

In other words, nothing new is happening.

This week's theme:
The Spice Girls

Well, what happened to them?

Posh Spice married David Beckham and attempted to sing. Now she's just a faded pop star with no talent. She did, however, score an interview with Borat himself, Sacha Baron Cohen. She's apparently studying Kabbalah. She's like a female Kevin Federline.

Scary Spice is having Eddie Murphy's baby. She too attempted to sing and it didn't work. Now she's just a faded pop star with no talent.

Baby Spice is still attempting to sing and it isn't working. Now she's just a faded pop star with no talent.

Ginger Spice, who looks worryingly like Lindsay Lohan, is now a mom, despite the fact that she won't tell who the father is. She is also a faded pop star with no talent.

Sporty Spice has actually launched a semi-decent solo career, including a guest appearance on a Bryan Adams single. Despite this, everyone still thinks she's a lesbian.

On to the news:

Man dresses up as cigarette, busted for having four wives
(WTF level: high)

Ah, the smell of Cleveland!
(I've been to Bedford, it doesn't smell like anything)

Today, my school hosted the world's largest rubber band ball
(It's a big day for "world's biggest" stories, I guess)

Man sleeps through tree falling on his house
(Sounds like me)

Bright, shiny objects:

Yeah, I could do that
(Actually, I don't think I could even move that fast)

This is something of an extension of the "Everclear Theory"
(The "Everclear Theory" is the fact that you can sing all of Everclear's songs to the tune of all of their other songs... try it sometime)

Today's random next blog:

Laika Life
(I'm not sure what this one's about, but it's strangely alluring.)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 21, 1837 -- Thomas Morris of Australia skips rope 22,806 times.

Fun fact of the day:

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
(No, I won't take a cheap shot at Kramer...)

And finally:

I'm an uncle again! All signs point to health for both mother and baby. I'll get to see my new niece tomorrow when my wife and I go to Atlanta for Thanksgiving. That means no blog until I get back, probably next Monday.

Stop the presses!

2006-11-21T00:30:00.000-05:00

Big news from those of us here at FIF-land. DJ Chia Pet (my wife) and I are an aunt and uncle once again. I'll let you pick which one I am.

Welcome to the world my new niece (daughter of my wife's brother and his wife) born today at about 4:30 pm Eastern!

I do believe this calls for a celebration!

Bad blogger

2006-11-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

So, finals week kicked my butt. It's finals week here, and I've been scurrying around with no time for this little daily excursion. This makes me a bad blogger, I know. In the meantime, I have had a few moments for diversion, including the coining of a new recurring feature (read: whenever I feel like it) for the blog, the four word movie review.

Four word movie review:

The four word movie review is just that. I review a movie that I saw in four words. That's it. I get four words. Try it sometime. For example, I saw Crash this weekend. I could write several paragraphs about the plot, the (underdeveloped) characters, the hackneyed storyline, the completely implausible plot, the state of racial relations in America, or I could wirte: "Racism Actually. Best picture?"

See how easy that was.

Or, Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man's Chest (another of my viewing choices this weekend).

"18th century. Space aliens." or alternately, "Pirates: Keira Knightley's Chest."

Shatner Award Presentation:

It's time for another episode of what will William Shatner do for five dollars? This seems to sum up all of Shatner's career. Well, it looks like he's taking a turn at hosting a game show. In it, he'll ask questions, and occasionally "boogie down" with 13 stage dancers. The man is a master. Today's Shatner Award goes to... William Shatner.

This week's theme:
The Spice Girls

You know you want to, you really really want to.

On to the news:

FIF update: We have a winner in the Rock Paper Scissors World Tournament!
(From London... he "practiced" two hours per day)

At least I know I'm not alone this finals' week
(And I don't feel so old)

Headline: couple marry at monster truck show
(That sound was my jaw hitting the floor)

Bright, shiny objects:

Maybe not the surfer dreams
(It's the Monday check of Engrish.com)

What your professors really think of you
(Actually a blog started in response to ratemyprofessors.com)

Today's random next blog:

A hip-hop blog
(Somewhere, one of my friends is snickering. However, today's entry is about the brand new Tupac album that's coming out. The man's been dead for ten years and he's still putting out records. I need to coin a Tupac Shakur award for individuals who manage to do amazing things... or anything... despite the minor handicap of being dead.)

The Monday playlist feature:

It's Thanksgiving this week (offer not valid in Canada). It's actually the first Thanksgiving that I'll have in the 26 years I've been alive that I won't spend with my parents. Thus is married life.

Today, we look back at Thanksgiving 1991. On that day, I actually got my first pair of glasses. Here's what we were listening to in 1991.

5) Roberta Flack f. Maxi Priest -- Set the Night to Music

4) Prince -- Cream (can't find it)

3) PM Dawn -- Set Adrift On Memory Bliss
(a rap song that samples Spandau Ballet?)

2) Boyz II Men -- It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

1) Michael Bolton -- When a Man Loves a Woman
(I refuse to link this one out of good taste)

WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING????
(I know... I was the one who picked the Spice Girls for the theme this week)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 20, 1862 -- Armies of Mississippi/Kentucky merge as Army of Tennessee. There's a redneck joke in there somewhere. I just can't find it.

Fun fact of the day:

The only "real" food that U.S. Astronauts are allowed to take into space is pecan nuts.

And finally:

Overheard today on my way to work: "Yeah, I've been considering going archery hunting for deer. It seems like the most sporting kind of hunting." Because, you know, they can shoot back.

Spybreak! (catch the reference?)

2006-11-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

Nerdiness abounds here. I'm working on calculating the average distance to different parts of ballparks, normed for the dimensions of the outfield, using trigonometry. I had to dust off the old SOHCAHTOA mnemonic. Yeah, this is how I have fun.

On to the news:

Cabbage monument?
(Only is Bosnia)

Judge rules burrito not a sandwhich
(And we wonder why the government isn't working...)

And finally:

It's time for our weekly check of Is It Friday dot net. That's why it's so short.

Happy Chanuchrismakwanzaadan

2006-11-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

Today, I saw a Christmas tree. No, not just a pine tree waiting to be cut down and displayed in someone's window, but a store with an honest Christmas tree in the window. I know, I know, stores have had their Christmas stuff out, in the back of the store but out, for a few months now. And yes, Thanksgiving is two weeks away (do you have your shopping done yet?), but...

In other news, Wal-Mart is deciding that they're going to say "Merry Christmas" this year after last year a group of people with nothing better to do boycott them due to the fact that they used "Happy Holidays" or the ever-popular "Season's Greetings." I always thought that the issue was stupid, because apparently my Christmas, Chanukah, Diwali, Ramadan, Boxing Day, and Kwanzaa celebrations depended on Wal-Mart reminding me that the holiday is near. But now that they're using "Merry Christmas", look for another group of people with nothing better to do to boycott them for being discriminatory.

Also, what the hell does "Season's Greetings" mean? Hey everyone! It's winter! But that's discriminatory against the Southern Hemisphere. You could scream, "It's December!" But, there are some Old Calendarists from Russia who think it's still November. (This is why Russia lost the Cold War.)

My wife just suggested: "Believe whatever you want, just don't hurt me!" Sounds like what I'll put on my Chanuchrismakwanzaadan cards this year.

On to the news:

Yeah, this is my species.
(*headdesk*)

Rock paper scissors tournament in Toronto
(This weekend, if you're interested)

National Council of Dull Men looking for members
(Don't say it...)

Addicted to funerals?
(Seen Wedding Crashers?)

Bright, shiny objects:

Don't feel too bad about the fact that you can't parallel park
(This guy was going forward!)

Chad Vader 5 update!
(It's coming... I can feel it.)

Today's random "next blog":

Steve Eck's blog
(A guy in Minnesota blogging about what we all blog about... whatever comes to his mind)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 9, 1997 -- Toray Japan Queens Cup takes place. I have no idea what that means.

Fun fact of the day:

Actually, ten of them.

And finally:

There are some days when the column writes itself

2006-11-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

Every morning, I walk from our humble little apartment to the El Station and I always pass a few newspaper vending machines. I was curious which would grab the headline today. Would it be, "Oh yeah, election yesterday, complete change in party control of Congress" or Britney Spears files for divorce.

Sure enough, America's dumbest paper (warning: huge file) had the election as the main splash, but the banner headline was the delightfully tacky, "Fed-Exed"

Speaking of the election last night and Kevin Federline, I believe a new Federline Award presentation is in order. Last night, during his acceptance speech following his re-election to the governorship of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich said the following: "Four years ago, I came here and found a state government that was more interested in serving itself, rather than the other way around." Salve stultus! Popozao!

That makes about as much sense as electing a movie star to be the governor of the largest state in the union. Again.

On to the news:

The dangers of dogs and alcohol
(There was a Far Side comic on the subject)

Best headline of the day
(Or most groan-worthy)

What to do with those pesky campaign signs
(Now this is a promotion!)

Bright, shiny objects:

Stolen from my brother's away message
(Flight of the Conchords, "Business Time")

The soccer kama sutra
(At least some of the photos haven't been taken down)

Today's random "next blog":

Cognition II
(Apparently, movie reviews and Florida sports, plus instead of "posted by" it says "fecit". I get it!)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 8, 1966 -- Movie actor Ronald Reagan elected governor of California. Yeah.

Fun fact of the day:

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

And finally:

More from the "strange conversations that my wife and I have" category. Today, we discussed the following: If you knew you were going to be eaten for a meal by a cannibal, what meal would you want that to be. She went with dinner. I'd go with lunch.

What say you, viewing public?

And the winner is...

2006-11-07T13:48:00.000-05:00

It's time for our usual Tuesday look around the world to see what's going on.

1) America, the paragon of democracy over the world, still can't figure out how to vote.
2) So we take the sensible approach, inflict senseless violence on people and objects.
3) Prima donna star can't believe that she lost to... well, Carrie Underwood.
4) And apparently, K-Fed isn't a very good rapper.

In other words, nothing new is happening.

On to the news:

Jet lag can kill you.
(Or at least kill some mice.)

Woman injures herself in "Shake it like Shakira" contest
(And files a lawsuit)

Someone funded this study
(And they say duct tape fixes everything! Ha!)

Bright, shiny objects:

Well, that's direct
(What you really want to put on a "Do Not Disturb" sign)

The smiley intervention
(Do you use too many smileys? ;)

Today's Random "next blog":

Domesticali
(A blog my wife could appreciate)

Today's strange anniversary:

November 7, 1917 -- British capture Gaza Palestine from Turks. That one sure went well, now didn't it?

Fun fact of the day:

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

And finally:

Seen on the side of a bus: an advertisement for the Chicago Tribune's Red Eye paper. (a.k.a., the most dumbed down paper in America.)

"Who's smart. Who's dumb. Who's so hot it doesn't matter."

Thanks.