I wanted to. All times Central.
7:04 pm - Eric Byrnes is in McCovey Cove. Shouldn't he be... oh I dunno, at the game?
7:07 pm - Let the Barry Bonds lovefest begin! Tonight marks the time when America decides that it's not the end of the world if someone cheats and gets ahead. That's what America's about.
7:08 pm - What's with the Jeter and Griffey interview Willie Mays thing. Nice... but Mays isn't much of an interview and Jeter and Griffey are doing the worst delivery of scripted questions I've ever seen.
7:11 pm - And now a man from San Diego in a Taco Bell jersey is playing Tee-Ball on national TV.
7:12 pm - Swing and a miss and he doesn't put any of his three balls out of the infield. Fox throws it to Homer Simpson, who does the outro to the commercial break. This is going to be a long night.
7:17 pm - Ah, my favorite time of the year. The All-Star intros. Rafael Belliard finally made it to an All-Star Game.
7:19 pm - Gil Meche just got introduced and gave the usual "Yeah, I'm here because the Royals had to send someone look." The Giants fans booed the Angels players (why?) and they couldn't help but chuckle.
7:21 pm - How did the Diamondbacks get two All-Stars? How is Alfonso Soriano an All-Star? How is Brian Fuentes an All-Star? Was Tony LaRussa not watching his last two weeks?
7:24 pm - Ah, the All-Star game where we get to see David Ortiz actually play in the field. And they said interleague play was bad.
7:25 pm - Are they sure that Placido Polanco isn't there to sing the National Anthem? Speaking of, it's almost time for my favorite two minutes of TV of the year...
7:28 pm - Did anyone else notice that David Wright is wearing his pinstriped Mets jersey while Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran are wearing their solid white Mets home unis? (Update: nevermind, I just need a new TV.)
7:32 pm - Chris Isaak(!!!) is singing the National Anthem. He looks like a cocky jerk doing that. He only sorta knows the words (perilous night, gave proof through the fight.... close enough) And I think they cut out the Canadian anthem again. *sigh*. There's no better awkward TV moment than the Canadian national anthem at the All-Star game.
7:36 pm - Willie Mays gets brought in from center field. A few years ago, in Boston, another outfielder of note was carted in and toasted. He died a little while later and his head was apparently frozen. Here's to hope the same doesn't befall Willie.
7:40 pm - And now he's throwing baseballs into the crowd. Ummmm... can we get the game started.
7:45 pm - Joe Buck introduces himself and the game by saying "You know the matchup already, the American League vs. the National League." Thanks Joe. Tim McCarver already sounds wasted.
7:47 pm - Taco Bell has run the very odd marathon runners eating tacquitos commercial twice in about 5 minutes.
7:51 pm - They're having Cal Ripken read the AL Starting lineup, despite the fact that we just had a big ceremony on the field that gave this information already.
7:54 pm - The plate umpire is 67 years old, and he's #2 on the all-time games umpired list. They keep that?
7:55 pm - Ichiro singles and Brad Penny starts warming up. Joe Buck just mentioned that Jeter has won three Gold Gloves. Hahahahahahahahaha!
7:57 pm - DJ Chia Pet just got home and asked if I would like her to make me dinner. I got to yell 6-4-3! She still doesn't get it.
7:58 pm - Buck calls Ortiz "clutch." And blames Ortiz's "down" season on the fact that Manny Ramirez hasn't been having a good year. Two Sabermetric fallacies within thirty seconds.
8:00 pm - Prince Fielder has a Steve Sax moment.
8:05 pm - Barry is up. Storybook moment ready to happen?
8:07 pm - Nah, fly ball to right.
8:09 pm - I was about to remark how Tim McCarver had actually not said anything stupid. Commenting on Carlos Beltran making catches in Minute Maid Park or Enron Field or whatever it's called, "He made a lot of catches for the Astros and against the Astros."
8:12 pm - Griffey drives in a run. NL up 1-0.
8:14 pm - DJ Chia Pet wants an iPhone. No.
8:19 pm - Fox outros the top of the 2nd with a shot of a girl picking her nose. Now that's cute. DJ Chia Pet just brought me a cupcake. Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary.
8:23 pm - Prince Fielder was named after The Artist Currently Known As Prince. Where do they come up with this stuff? Russell Martin's father was a buskler.
8:28 pm - DJ Chia Pet asked me what league the Cleveland Indians (my beloved team) are in. Then she asked which one the Braves are in (she's from Atlanta). I will now divorce her. Dan Haren strikes out Miguel Cabrera to end the 2nd.
8:31 pm - I don't know if anyone is actually reading this, but I realize that I haven't written in FIF since March. I miss it. I've been actually cheating on FIF with a gig doing Sabermetrics blogging at MVN.com.
8:34 pm - A one-question interview with Dan Haren. Now that's journalistic excellence on the part of Fox.
8:36 pm - Fox is belaboring the thought that Ichiro will probably be a free agent at the end of the year. Then, they throw it over to Ken Rosenthal who points out that Ichiro is actually close to re-signing.
8:38 pm - David Ortiz is up with two runners on and two out with his team down one. Now, this would be a time for a clutch hit, because Ortiz is soooooo clutch. He lines to right. 1-0, middle of the third.
8:41 pm - Josh Beckett comes on for the AL. Jose Reyes greets him with a double that A-Rod just... well, missed...
8:43 pm - Joe Buck suggests that Jim Leyland intentionally walk Barry Bonds. Bonds squares to bunt. Bonds hits a fly ball to left field. Destiny and Magglio Ordonez get in the way.
8:45 pm - Shameless, "I'm from Cleveland" moment. C.C. Sabathia is warming up!
8:48 pm - Josh Beckett has to strengthen his middle finger using Stan's Rodeo ointment. I did a Google search on the subject. Apparently, this is common.
8:50 pm - I will pay someone a million dollars if they eliminate all copies of John Mellencamp's "Thiiiiiiis is Our Country" from the planet.
8:52 pm - Alfonso Soriano comes on for Bonds. A-Rod just got a "Clutch" award from Pepsi. Hahahahahahahahaha!
8:55 pm - A-Rod just got thrown out at home by about 20 feet. Now that's clutch! 1-0, middle of the fourth.
8:57 pm - The Japanese hot dog eating guy (Hideki Okajima?) is now a spokesman for Coors. Even though he lost on July Fourth.
9:02 pm - Fox is wringing their hands over whether or not Barry Bonds used steroids. He might have, he might not have. I have an idea. As a culture, let's all agree that it doesn't matter. Further, will Bonds please just break the record and get it over with?
9:04 pm - "In the years from 1920-1965, there were 12 players who hit more than 50 HR in one season. In the last twelve years, there have been (I forget what number he said). Did that just happen? No." - Tim McCarver.
9:06 pm - DJ Chia Pet just IMed me from our bedroom. Ain't technology wonderful?
9:09 pm - Derrek Lee and Chris Young (who's actually suspended right now!) enter the game at the same time. After getting into a fight with him a week or so ago. Tim McCarver, desperately tries to make two references to the movie 300. For Sparta!
9:10 pm - Eric Byrnes just tossed his dog into the water. I'm glad that he's on my fantasy team. He hits, he runs, he does weird things.
9:12 pm - The most interesting thing of the night happens. Ichiro hits a ball off the wall and manages an inside-the-park-homerun. Tim McCarver says "It's a rare rare rare thing." Indeed, it's never actually happened before. 2-1 AL. Can the AL win their tenth straight, with one tie... not that I'm still bitter about that?
9:17 pm - C.C. is pitching!
9:19 pm - Tim McCarver: "Sometimes you catch the ball. Sometimes the ball catches you." Thanks Tim. Carl Crawford makes a nice catch.
9:21 pm - C.C. gets the third out to end the fifth, and Eric Byrne's dog is safe. All is good in the world. Is it just me or is Fox casting about for any story line at all tonight?
9:27 pm - Francisco Cordero is facing Carl Crawford. Yawn. It's the sixth inning.
9:29 pm - Of course, right after I type that and submit it, he hits a home run. 3-1 AL. Tim McCarver exclaims "Cordero got it up, and so did Crawford." Hahahahahahahahaha!
9:30 pm - Friend Steve recommends the movie Transformers. He says that if I'm looking for "a good movie, combined with a desire to feel like you're 6 years old again and a serious geekout," then I should go see it. Hmmmm... Isn't there a baseball game going on here?
9:34 pm - Carlos Beltran triples. Steve and I are talking about Underdog: The Movie which is coming out soon. My review after seeing the preview: "That's wrong. Not genocide wrong, but definitely double homicide with an overdue library book wrong."
9:36 pm - Griffey hits a sac fly. AL is up 3-2.
9:40 pm - Russell Martin hits a San Francisco cop with a foul ball. No word on whether he also hit the construction worker or the cowboy. If you get that joke, I love you.
9:44 pm - MasterCard is doing their Actober contest (horrible pun) where you act out a great moment from the World Series. Can I do Julian Tavarez after Game 6 of the 1995 World Series?
9:47 pm - Riveting TV from Fox. Tony LaRussa talking to Bruce Froemming (the home plate umpire) about all his lineup changes. Yeah... great...
9:49 pm - And we're working along at a nice little clip. Middle of the seventh. And out comes Paula Cole to sing God Bless America? She's still alive? DJ Chia Pet likes to watch Dawson's Creek in the morning, so I'm often reminded of her, but I figured that she had just waited and her life was over.
9:50 pm - Apparently, the keyboard is malfunctioning. This is more awkward than the Canadian national anthem could ever be. Paula should have just belted it out a capella. She finally gets to singing (overdone), but for some reason, the camera man felt the need to give us a close up of her right armpit.
9:55 pm - I just checked who it was that sang the Canadian anthem. No one. The San Francisco orchestra just played it. They didn't even bother having Avril Lavigne come in and do it. She probably would have introduced it as her own song.
9:58 pm - Soriano swings a big bat and hangs right out over the plate. We know what you mean.
10:04 pm - Grady Sizemore is up! (update: Sizemore goes down on strikes.)
10:05 pm - Friend Steve asks whether we can get David Ortiz on Iron Chef. This after we learn that Ortiz (who's been out of the game since the 4th or so) likes cooking and the Green Bay Packers. Victor Martinez is up!
10:07 pm - Oh if only Cleveland Indians announcer Tom Hamilton had been there for Martinez's home run: "A swing and a driiiiive, ta deep left... A waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy back.... gone!"
10:11 pm - I cast my very biased vote for MVP for Victor Martinez. Ichiro will probably get it. Which means that the Japanese guy will get the Chevy.
10:13 pm - Papelbon comes in to start the bottom of the 8th. Tim McCarver says that he's a good closer because he's got a good sense of humor. Yeah... Strangely enough, McCarver's having a good night. He hasn't said that many stupid things. For him.
10:16 pm - We're at the point in the game where the game will be decided by those who are there because their team had to have one guy in the game.
10:20 pm - Papelbon (Red Sox) is pitching to Jorge Posada (Yankees). Is world peace that far away? Middle of the eighth, 5-2 AL.
10:23 pm - Maybe it's just because I'm a psychologist, but does the Burger King barbecue bacon Tendercrisp commercial ("SHUT UP") scare anyone else?
10:24 pm - OK, I give up. What is the decal that's been mowed into the grass in center field?
10:31 pm - My wife and I just had a conversation about popping zits. I love my wife.
10:32 pm - We're having a festschrift for Bruce Froemming.
10:37 pm - Bottom of the ninth. Putz in. The AL looks like they're going to put it away. You know the game is coming to an end when they start doing the credits.
10:41 pm - The last hope for the NL rests with a member of the Washington Nationals. And we're rehashing all of Dmitri Young's problems apparently as a nice way to end the game.
10:44 pm - Young singles to second base. Roberts would have had a tough play. Alfonso Soriano is up with his team down 5-2. If he hits a home run, my neighborhood will go nuts. Cubs fans are that loyal and that bad at math.
10:47 pm - Lest anyone accuse me of writing things after the fact, I have a witness that the previous entry was written before Soriano's HR. Things just got interesting. 5-4 AL, with J.J. Hardy coming to bat.
10:49 pm - A boring game finally has a tense moment. Hardy walks.
10:50 pm - Jim Leyland actually makes a pitching change mid-inning! Not just that, a double switch! Derrek Lee could actually become a hero here. Wrigleyville really would go nuts if he hits one here.
10:55 pm - K-Rod is snapping off curve-balls that I can only dream about. 3-2 2 outs, 1 run game, ninth inning.
10:56 pm - D Lee walks on a check swing... bringing up Orlando Hudson... why is Albert Pujols still on the bench?
10:57 pm - K-Rod loads the bases with a walk to Hudson, and we're actually getting a visit to the mound from the pitching coach in an All-Star Game. Now, it's Aaron Rowand.
11:00 pm - EXHALE! A thriller ends with a fly ball to right, and Albert Pujols sitting on the bench. The AL wins the All-Star game for the tenth straight time. 5-4.
11:02 pm - Flash forward to October. Game 7 of the World Series is in Cleveland, and the Indians come back in the bottom of the ninth to win the game against the Mets or Padres or whoever. The Mets think to themselves, if only LaRussa would have put Pujols in the All-Star game, this game would have been in New York.
11:05 pm - Ichiro gets the MVP. The guy from Chevy is addressing Ichiro even though he can't understand it.
11:06 pm - The interview between the Fox anchorette and Ichiro is amazing unintentional comedy. Apparently nobody told her that he doesn't speak English.
11:07 pm - Apparently, no one told her that he probably won't be a free agent either. I also think that the translator guy basically was just making things up.
11:09 pm - With that said, it's time for FIF to sign off. I don't know if I'll be reviving FIF, but I want to. Catch me on MVN, though. Until next time because this time was better than last time, I am and will continue to be the Pizza Cutter. Say good night, DJ Chia Pet.