Saturday, September 30, 2006

Who's your alpaca daddy?

We have yarn in our freezer. As a psychologist, I should probably recognize this as the sign of something. My wife is putting yarn in our freezer. I love her dearly. She just frightens me sometimes. (Explanation: She thinks moths have gotten into her stash of yarn. If you haven't clicked over to her blog, you won't understand why that's an issue. Getting rid of moths involving freezing the eggs/larvae on the yarn.)

This week's theme:

To finish off this week's Voltron theme, I present to you the official website of the Voltron world. I had also planned to link over to EBay for a Voltron lunch box, because let's be honest: It was all about the lunch box. But there are none for sale!

Next week's/month's theme:
The holiest month of the calendar is here. The MLB playoffs are on. For most of the year, my priorities are God, then family, then baseball. In October, it's baseball, then baseball, then baseball. It doesn't even matter that my beloved Cleveland Indians aren't in it this year. It's still 1-2-3 strikes you're out at the old ballgame.

On to the news:

Man earns enough frequent flyer miles to go into space
(As we move closer and closer to Star Trek)

Alpaca paternity lawsuit
(First sentence: "A judge dismissed a lawsuit filed over the paternity of a baby alpaca, but the ruling might not mark the end of the barnyard soap opera." Yeah, there's nothing more pressing in the world.)

Robbers hit "adult" video store
(And use fuzzy handcuffs to immobilize the staff!)

Bright, shiny objects:

White men should not dance
(This is dedicated to my friend Steve)

Famous last words
(Or something like that)

Today's Random "Next Blog":

Recreational Tomfoolery
(A blog containing random quotes and random observations on college football)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 29, 1979 -- Pope John Paul II becomes 1st pope to visit Ireland. A country full of Catholics and no one before JP2 had the thought, "Hey, maybe I should go there!" The Catholic Church needs a PR department.

Fun Fact of the Day:

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat", which means "the king is dead".

And finally:

Every once in a while, I'll be on the Chicago El, and one of the cars will lose power and the lights will go out. This is especially creepy when it happens in one of the subway tunnels. Is it a bad sign that when it happens, I get a mind to do this?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Antelopes making out

Will someone tell me why I wasn't informed?

I know that the movies that come out this time of year are supposed to be total garbage, but now I'm looking forward to this and Borat. Life is good. (By the way, Borat made the news today.)

This week's theme:

In the mood for an old school episode?
Part I, Part II, Part III

Another, perhaps?
Part I, Part II, Part III

A note to the Power Rangers. Voltron owns you. Even if it was horrible Japanimation.

On to the news:

Burglar stops to play piano
(And wakes owner...)

Ring reminds husbands of their anniversaries
(You know, like... a wedding ring doesn't?)

Police spend $6400 of taxpayer money on lap dances and booze
(During a two year "investigation")

Bright, shiny objects:

A short documentary about Alexander Seymour Smith
(Video game pioneer)

This is both funny and wrong on so many levels
(The best combination)

Today's Random "Next Blog":

Right This Minute
(I'm a sucker for people who post random stories about their lives)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 28, 1987 -- Star Trek: The Next Generation premieres. An entirely new generation of middle-aged men will now need to get a life.

Fun Fact of the Day:

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

And finally:

My wife and I last night briefly considered how it is that antelopes make out with one another. After all, if you thought "the nose thing" was hard with humans, where do the horns go?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

With your Gilmore Girls update

So, I watched the season premiere of Gilmore Girls with my wife. That right there is enough to have my guy card revoked. It's one of those "couple things" that we do. She really likes the show (and even had me make dinner so she wouldn't miss the first part) and I have to admit that it was funny and well-done, and I think it's hitting the level of "guilty pleasure" in my life.

Weekly Gilmore Girls update:

Maybe not.

This week's theme:

Here's to Adult Swim for capitalizing on college students and 20-somethings who want to relive the 80s.

Voltron gets served.

On to the news:

Ever want to break up with someone, but just couldn't bring yourself to do it
(Hey sweetie...)

Thong-wearing, knife wielding burglar videotapes himself commiting crime
(Ah, the YouTube generation)

When they say you owe your firstborn, they aren't kidding
(He didn't notice?)

First sentence: A dispute that began over the capture of an opossum in a residential neighborhood ended with police shooting a Rottweiler and arresting a man after stunning him with a Taser gun.
(I don't write them, I just report them.)

Bright, shiny objects:

Elephant, artist, or pre-schooler
(This is dedicated to Bob, my high school intro to the arts teacher. It's just a stick.)

Hanukhah Hey Ya!
(I found a version more disturbing than the German country band cover)

Today's Random "Next Blog":

Topics in Early Childhood Education
(A nice mix of personal stories and facts about kids.)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 27, 1881 -- The Chicago Cubs beat Troy 10-8 in a game watched by only 12 people. Yesterday, the Cubs beat the Brewers 14-6, and I imagine that about 12 people actually watched the game itself then too.

Fun Fact of the Day:

The longest common English word that can be typed using only the left hand (using conventional hand placement) is stewardesses. The longest English word that can be typed with the right hand only (using conventional hand placement) is polyphony.

And finally:

Because I can... enjoy.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I got beat at Trivial Pursuit

Last night, my wife beat me at Trivial Pursuit. I actually did dominate for most of the game, but I was undone by dice that just wouldn't cooperate to get me in the space that I needed. I actually had all the wedgies in my piece of pie before she did, but she came charging back and won the game on the question, "What strikes the Empire State Building more than 50 times per year?" (Lightning.) Also, my wife got questions like, "What is the only NFL team to play without decals on their helmets?" and "In 1920, Bill Wambsganss accomplished what rare feat during the World Series?" She got them wrong. If you're from Cleveland, like I am, you're grimacing.

The real fun was that we played with an edition from 1981 that she found at a Salvation Army store for $2.00. So, the questions were all written when I was 2, and I suppose they were common knowledge back then. One of the questions was "What does VCR stand for?" I can imagine that in a few years, some kid will answer, "What's that?"

Still, I must be losing my edge. The question was "In what sea are the Cayman Islands?" My though process was that it was "somewhere in the Carribean..." It never occurred to me that the Carribean is a sea...

This week's theme:

You know you want it...

On to the news:

Man stabbed with fish
(A swordfish, no less)

Bear defecates in forrested area!
(Also, throwing eggs can hurt someone)

Headline: Killer Teddy Bear leaves 2500 fish dead
(I tried to warn people about Teddy Ruxpin)

Man in Ronald Reagan mask arrested for bank robbery
(But does he remember it?)

Bright, shiny objects:

Law and Order meets Sesame Street
(It's better than when Sesame Street met Homicide)

Zombie Survival Kit
(I'm wondering what's inside)

Today's Random "Next Blog":

A photoblog from the UK: Jim's World
(The photos are just so pretty.)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 26, 1969 -- The Beatles release Abbey Road. Ever since, four people walking across the street has to turn into a photo op.

Fun fact of the day:

The only city whose name can be spelled completely with vowels is Aiea, Hawaii, located approximately twelve miles west of Honolulu.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

We were a lot simpler in the 80s
(But then again, Wrigley has had the same ad campaign ever-since. It's like another Wrigley product, the Cubs. If you keep throwing the same bad stuff out there year after year, people will eventually confuse endearing and comfortable with good.)

And finally:

This morning, I was listening to the local radio station and on comes another commercial... yet another commmercial... for a car-related product that used Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway." A moment of eulogy for Tom, who is an under-appreciated song-writer cast off as a one-hit wonder. It was a pretty good song and I suppose the licensing fees support him and his family, but isn't it time that we officially retire the song. It has joined a pantheon of songs that aren't even really played on the radio any more, but live on endlessly as jingles. Perhaps there needs to be a Constitutional amendment on the subject. This will have the pleasant side effect of outlawing Sheryl "Every Day is a Winding Road so All I Wanna Do is Soak Up The Sun because A Change Will Do You Good" Crow.

By the way, for those of you pretending to know the answers to the questions from Trivial Pursuit, the Cleveland Browns have no decals on their hemets and Bill Wambsganss turned an unassisted triple play in the 1920 World Series, which was won by Cleveland.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Elmo, Voltron, Cocaine, Cardigans, and Emus...

Have you ever seen someone
a) have a seizure?
b) in a manic state?
c) who needed an exorcism?

Now you can.

To think that this thing will sell for $500 by Christmas. Maybe more. Don't you just love our species.

This week's theme:

I went there. If you're about my age (mid-20s),
you know you loved it. And every once in a while, you occasionally break out in the Voltron theme (da-da-da... da-dada...) when you want to feel like a super hero?

OK, maybe that's just me.

On to the news:

Red Bull not good enough for you? Try cocaine!
(Well, finally some truth in advertising)

Skunk-lover convention in North Ridgeville, Ohio
(This town is next door to the one where I grew up)

Policeman pretending to be john arrests prostitute pretending to be cop
(Perhaps this was the irony police who made the arrest?)

Another reason why they call it "dope"
(Oh, c'mon folks...)

One way to get back at critics
(Beat them up!)

Incidentally, an update from last week:
PETA is getting involved in the Six Flags eat a cockroach, be first in life promotion. Hilarity always follows them. Stay tunes.

Bright, shiny objects:

Harry Potter, re-enacted by thumbs
(This one was linked off the Elmo thing)

Someday, I'll be that good at DDR
(Little known fact: I actually own a couple DDR pads.)

The Monday Playlist:

I suppose that this week marks something of a birthday for the Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!) On September 26, 1999, I was officially assigned to work as an intern for
WKCO radio in Gambier, Ohio. I worked with a classmate named Jeremy, who showed me how it all worked, and then was very patient when a DJ from another college radio station (the only other college in town) showed up, for no apparent reason and didn't leave. This was my first time on the air.

The next week, Jeremy went to a wedding and told me to just work with whoever the substitute DJ was that the station assigned. No one showed up. I did the show myself. The next week Jeremy resigned from that show and told the station that since I already knew the ropes down there, I could take over his show. The Pizza Cutter Show was born.

So were the Foreign Intelligence Files.

So, what was America listening to that week?

Christina Aggalera -- Genie in a Bottle

4) Santana f. Rob Thomas -- Smooth

3) Ricky Martin (what happened to him?) -- She's All I Ever Had

2) TLC -- Unpretty

1) Enrique Iglesias -- Bailamos

I remember that's the night when I first heard this song and gasped, "It's by the Cardigans??? But it's so... good."

Today's Random "Next Blog":

Inane thoughts and insane ramblings
(A guy randomly talks about whatever comes to his mind... and it's funny. Reminds me of this blog. Only his is funny.)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 25, 1639 -- The first printing press is installed in America. Seeing some of the garbage that America has produced since, perhaps this wasn't such a good idea.

Fun Fact of the Day:

Emus cannot walk backwards.

And Finally:

Three months until Christmas. Do you have your shopping done?

Friday, September 22, 2006

White and Nerdy

Weird Al kicks off a mega-FIF Friday...

Things my wife says:

Last night, we were watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... the Tim Burton version. Thought the original 1970's version with Gene Wilder was creepy? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Anyway, at the scene where the kids all enter the chocolate room, my wife turns to me and says, "What if a diabetic kid had found the Golden Ticket?"

I love my wife.

This week's theme:
Sacha Baron Cohen

Ali G talks about religion and nuclear weapons and drugs.

If you enjoyed this theme, may I recommend Cohen's old movie featuring Ali G.

On to the news:

This one gets quoted in full:

LINCOLN, Neb. - Chasing a herd of mule deer with a helicopter might seem less than sporting, but it's also a violation of federal law.

A South Dakota man was sentenced Wednesday to two years of probation for chopper-chasing a herd in a Nebraska national forest.

Troy Link, 34, pleaded guilty to airborne harassment of wildlife.

Witnesses say that in November 2004, they saw the helicopter flying less than 100 feet above the ground, chasing the small herd in the McKelvie National Forest southwest of Valentine. Using any kind of aircraft to harass or disturb wildlife is a crime punishable in federal court by up to a year in jail and a fine of up to $100,000, according to the state attorney general's office.

During his probation, Link, of Huron, S. Dakota, is prohibited from hunting or fishing, and must pay a $5,000 fine.

Let's recap everything we've learned, shall we?
  1. It isn't enough that we have guns. We must now assert our dominance over the rest of the food chain by terrifying them using a helicopter. Apparently, there is also no better use for a helicopter.
  2. Did he chase them all the way from South Dakota to Nebraska? Huron, SD is about 150 miles from the Nebraska border and 250 or so from McKelvie National Forrest. (I looked it up on Mapquest.) You don't cover that by accident.
  3. There is a federal crime called "airborne harassment of wildlife." The Wright Brothers would not be pleased.
  4. During his two year probation, Link can not hunt or fish. (That'll show him!) But can he still fly his chopper?
  5. A 34-year-old man was apparently either bored, angry, or drunk enough to think this idea up. And he was piloting a helicopter at the same time. Here's to the future of America!
Drunk driver manages to run himself over
(Is it just me or are they getting dumber out there?)

I don't usually do stories involving people's deaths, but this one seemed appropriate.
(When it's my time in a 100 years or so, I hope my family is as kind to me.)

Bright, shiny objects:

Happy birthday to someone out there
(Now, this is something that would happen in my family)

An idiot test for professionals
(So, did you pass?)

Today's Random "Next Blog":

Ah, pushing the "next blog" button is always such an adventure.

The Obscure Pop Culture Reference Blog
(A blog I could have written myself! Except that would be some sort of weird John Malkovich thing.)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 22, 1903 - Italo Marchiony granted patent for ice cream cone. Of course, since summer is now over, he can't really use it for another nine months.

Fun Fact of the Day:

The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors:

The Yellow Pages
(Saving Brits from sharks for years now)

And finally:

Well, it wouldn't be a week in FIF-land if Federline Award winner Paris Hilton didn't do something stupid. In a bizarre case, she was being questioned by police as a witness in the burglary of Gilmore Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis's house. She says that she's not, like, you know, ummm, that, smart. Popozao! You can hear her say these things for herself here.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Today is actually my least favorite day of the year. It's the autumnal equinox. The first day of Fall. Summer has come and past, and the innocent can neve... oh never mind. Starting today, the nights are longer than the days, and it only gets worse until the longest night of the year on December 21st.

Farewell, summer.

This week's theme:
Sacha Baron Cohen

And now, the story of Sacha Baron Cohen vs. the government of Kazakhstan. Cohen's character Borat is supposedly a television reporter from Kazakhstan. If you're old enough to remember Mahir Cagri, you're thinking in the right direction. As Cohen's show and act gained popularity, Kazakhstan became less and less amused and stripped him of his homepage, located at When Borat appeared at the MTV European Music Awards and pulled this stunt (the "President" is an actor speaking Romanian), they threatened to sue (on what grounds or in what jurisdiction, I have no idea). Borat responded. Apparently the Kazakh government still can't quite let it go. The movie comes out November 3rd.

On to the news:

A casino where it's illegal to gamble
(Someone call the irony police)

Romanian farmers feed cannabis to their cows
(Quote: "We grew it because the cows seemed to like it, and happy cows give more milk." Though they probably ate a lot more hay.)

Would you?
(More to the point, since I live in Chicago... would I?)

Bright, shiny objects:

Men's restroom etiquette
(Men, this is required viewing. Don't worry, you already know it all. Ladies, this should explain a few things.)

An actual detention
(Yeah, this is what's in charge of the future of America.)

Today's Random "Next Blog":

One of my ears is higher than the other
(A fellow college instructor and Borat fan)

Today's Weird Anniversary:

September 21, 1970 -- In my fair hometown of Cleveland, the first Monday Night Football game takes place with the Browns defeating the Jets 31-21. (The Browns haven't won a game since.) It marks the beginning of the slow expansion of football to envelop the entirety of the American week during the Fall and Winter months. Now, men would watch football between two teams that they didn't really care about, on a night which makes no sense for football. Why? Because they could!

Today's Fun Fact:

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
(A small tip of the cap to the site that's been providing these lately. I hope they don't mind.)

And finally:

The other night I decided to run a little experiment. If you go over to Yahoo's video site, you can queue up a number of videos and watch them. When you're done, they automatically select another one that is related to the one you just watched.

I brought up K-Fed's masterpiece "Lose Control." The video that followed it was Lady Sovereign, "Random". Popozao, indeed! I may have found a new theme song.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

My wife and I are not divorced

In fact, last night, we went out on a run to Marshall's and Linens and Things. (Full disclosure: I love Linens and Things. Mostly the kitchen area.) My wife is on an "organize the apartment" binge. Thanks to her efforts, we again have floors. Interesting concept.

As often happens when I go shopping, I find things that suggest to me that civilization as we know it is crumbling to the ground. Like last night in Marhsall's, after we passed the cosmetics laying under a sign that proclaimed "Active Wear," we passed the underwear section. On a shelf, I saw panties that had the word "Scary" emblazened on them.

Make your own joke.

This week's theme:
Sacha Baron Cohen

Cohen was actuall invited to Harvard (yeah, that Harvard) to give the annual Harvard Day address... in character as Ali G.

You can see the results here
(Next time you see someone brag that they went to Harvard, re-watch this)

On to the news:

God on your cell phone
(Et-cum-spiri-220. If you're not Catholic, you wouldn't understand.)

Man gets into fight with panda at zoo
(It's this week's "Alcohol Was Involved" story)

Man on trial for theft steals computers from courthouse
(Now that's testicular fortitude)

Bright, shiny objects:

This is what happens when I look for bright, shiny objects from t-shirt sites

The guy who does Elmo's voice

Today's Random "Next Blog":

Again, a new feature on FIF. I hit the "next blog" button and see what comes up... preferably in English.

The blog of an Australian exchange student in Canada
(Apparently, just getting started there.)

Today's weird anniversary:

September 20, 1954 -- The very first program written in FORTRAN is run. I believe it was called "Windows 2000."

Today's fun fact:

The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is 'Live Free or Die'. These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.

And finally:

The thing that made me shake at Marshall's the most was the todler sized sweat-jacket that said, "G Unit." A baby Fitty Cent. Which would be Nickelback or something like that.

The Lincolnator

Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice are apparently an item. This is the first I've heard about a Spice Girl not named Beckham in a while. Yesterday, while doing the playlist feature, I was reflecting back on the Macarena and all the other annoying pop music of the mid-90s. Oddly enough, the Spice Girls didn't come to mind. Think about it. Even if they re-united, would anyone go? It's not like they're ABBA.

This week's theme:
Sacha Baron Cohen

Oddly enough, his cousin, Simon Baron Cohen, is a world-renowned researcher into the causes of autism. True story.

Bruno in Alabama
(Worth watching for the opening line alone)

On to the news:

Man accidentally turns himself in
(Double the stupidity: Not only did you turn yourself in, you bungled your way into it!)

What's wrong with Arial?
(Apparently, it isn't cool enough for third graders)

Bright, shiny objects:

Try it now, Mr. Booth
(What really won the Civil War.)

Japanese Vending Machines
(This one's not even from

Random Next Blog Findings:
New Feature!!!

You may notice the "next blog" button at the top of my blog, and many other Blogspot blogs. I decided to have a little fun with it. In what will hopefully become a daily feature, I plan to hit the next blog button and see what comes up interesting.

A tourist's take on my current dwelling-place
(Welcome to Chicago.)

Today's weird anniversary:

September 19, 1959 -- Nikita Khruschev was denied entry into Disneyland. Four years later, the Cuban Missile Crisis happened. Coincidence?

Today's fun fact:

There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps are in the United States.

And finally:

This week's sign that the apocalypse is nigh came last night in New York. Congratulations to the Mets, who are Champions of the NL East. It means that for the first time since I hit puberty, the Atlanta Braves will not win a division championship.

Monday, September 18, 2006


I turned in my dissertation proposal today. Now, three people will read it over and decide whether or not I'm nuts. If they decide I'm OK, then I get the green light to spend an entire weekend or two looking at a spreadsheet. Thrilling, let me tell you. Moral of the story: Don't go to graduate school.

This week's theme:
Sacha Baron Cohen

I promised that I'd go with this theme this week. For those of you who don't know him, here's a little more info. You might have seen him as Ali G on the commercials for the NBA, or in the upcoming movie Borat: Cultural Learning of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation Kazakhstan. You might have also seen him in Madonna's video for "Music".

He's really a Cambridge-educated Brit who plays three characters (Ali G, Borat, and as Cohen says, "sexually ambiguous" Austrian fashion reporter Bruno). You can see him explain it for himself here. Absolutely brilliant stuff.

Ali G interviewing a gender studies professor
(That's a good example of the whole shtick.)

On to the news:

Every teacher at a school in China files for divorce
(Although when you read the story, it's a brilliant strategy)

British researchers trying to find "environmentally friendly" weapons
(Earth loving hippies in the military? I'm not sure for whom I feel more sorry)

Maybe drinking on the job isn't such a bad idea
(I don't drink... maybe that's what's wrong.)

Bright, shiny objects:

You might be a redneck...
(Seeing that I'll be moving to Atlanta in a few years, maybe not the best thing to say...)

This is the basis of a healthy relationship
(You and only you can prevent forest fires)

The Monday Playlist:

Ten years ago, this week, the Cleveland Indians clinched their second straight Central Division title by beating the Chicago White Sox 9-4. Ah, the disappointment (in so many ways) that was 1996. The charts as they appeared on September 18th, 1996.

5) Primitive Radio Gods -- Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand

4) Keith Sweat -- Twisted

3) Los Del Rio -- Macarena

2) Quad City DJs -- C'mon N' Ride It (the Train)

1) Donna Lewis -- I Love You Always Forever

A pretty cringe-worthy list on the last three. I don't remember Keith Sweat at all. But, someone out there is reading this and hadn't thought about "The Phone Booth" song in... ten years. And is thanking me for the memories. And won't be able... to... stop... thinking... about... it.

Ever wonder what happened to them? Here's their official website.

Today's Strange Anniversary:

September 18, 1830 -- Outside Baltimore, a race between the first man-made locomotive and a race horse ends in a decisive victory for the horse. Now that's human ingenuity.

Today's Fun Fact:

David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. (Chad would never stand for something like that.)

And finally:

I've been sealed off from civilization for the last week. Did anything interesting happen?

Friday, September 15, 2006

Popeye found dead on the side of the road

I'm trying to decide if it's a bad sign that when I heard the news that "lonelygirl15" isn't real, my first reaction was "Who's lonelygirl15"? Now I know what Jews feels like when they hear that Santa isn't real. (Sorry, kids.)

Today's big news story is the fact that if you eat spinach out of a bag, you will die. Perhaps we need to re-examine ourselves as a country if we are eating our spinach out of a bag. But then again, we now know that a company in the evil "C state" is to blame. (It's the one on the west coast. It's not Colorado or Connecticut or Kentucky.)

This week's theme:
The Breakfast Club

The psychological thriller that you never knew it was
(Or something like that)

On to the news:

This is art.
(Can't be any worse than this. But then, this is an inside joke.)

Sex, Drugs, and Opera.
(I suppose it makes The Magic Flue make more sense)

Headline: Man needed surgery after sex with hedgehog
(Jaw on floor...)

Jesus is on MySpace
(So am I, what's your point?)

Bright, shiny objects:

Here's to Bo Jackson, the best video game athlete of all time
(Tecmo Super Bowl... ah, the memories)

From the makers of iPod, iBreathalyzer
(Tagline: Paris Hilton should have had this in her purse. Popozao!)

Today's weird anniversary:

September 15, 1835 -- Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle reach the Galapagos Islands. Apparently, something controversial came of that.

Today's Fun Fact:

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

And finally:

Does that answer your question?
(Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

More stars than you can shake a stick at

Walking down to the train today, I saw a flyer/menu/advert for a new restaurant in town called Thai Me Up. This is the best name for a business that I've seen since I saw the hair salon down the street called Great Head. But then again, Curl Up and Dye is right down the street.

This week's theme:
The Breakfast Club

As a psychologist, if I ever taught a class on group dynamics or group therapy, this movie would be my textbook. The manner in which they progress from mistrust to cohesion is a textbook example of the theories in action. John Hughes nailed it. Not Ali Sheedy, mind you. The concept.

A nice little article about the film, and where the stars are now
(If you're a hardcore fan, you probably already know these things, but for the rest of us...)

A fantastic fan site.
(Worth the visit for the .wav files)

On to the news:

There's an implication that the people in this story were on drugs
(But, I still want an explanation for the first sentence of the story)

Now here's how to get on a referee's good side.
(British-language proficiency required to get full comedic effect.)

Bright, shiny objects:

Mr. Rogers. Slightly doctored.
(Not sure if this is real, but it's really funny!)

The mother of all trailers: Every single movie trailer ever in made in two and a half minutes
(If you know me, you know exactly why this is falls into the "bright, shiny objects category")

Today's weird anniversary:

September 14th, 1868 -- A man named Tom Morris claims to have hit golf's first ever hole-in-one. Men have been lying about it ever since.

Today's fun fact:

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

And finally:

A song to get stuck in your head.
(Makes a fantastic work out song.)

Estrogen heaven

My wife is currently in estrogen heaven. She recently signed us up for Blockbuster's home delivery service, and promptly put the entire catalog of Gilmore Girls on our queue. While I'm slaving away on my dissertation, she's watching Lorelai and Rory do whatever it is they do. At the risk of havin my Guy Card revoked, I actually like the show. Witty repartee is fun, and one of the joys that I have in life is that my wife and I have gotten pretty good at that sort of verbal jousting.

In fairness, she also got me DVDs of Da Ali G Show. Sacha Baron Cohen is a genius. I think I just found next week's theme.

This week's theme:
The Breakfast Club

And now, the only hit that Simple Minds ever had
(unless you could Alive and Kicking)

Demented and sad, but social!
(God bless you, Anthony Michael Hall)

On to the news:

How to get a promotion in the police department in Spain
(The same way you get promoted anywhere else)

Dutch scientists urges teens to drive drunk
(For a good reason)

Plastic surgery for goldfish
(Because it was "too ugly!")

Headline: Dog takes up yoga
(What next? Dog takes up skiing?)

Bright, shiny objects:
It's all about the Rubik's cube today.

One-handed Rubik's cube world record
(I can't do the thing with two hands in under an hour)

Now, let's add a blindfold
(Don't you feel stupid?)

Today's weird anniversary:

September 13, 1964 - The Beatles release the song "Yesterday." At their wedding reception, my parents had their first dance to "Yesterday." Take a look at the lyrics, and puzzle over why anyone would play this at a wedding. Answer: They never picked a first dance song, and told the band to just play something nice. This was apparently the first thing that came to their minds.

Today's fun fact:

What does "OK" really mean?

And now a word from our sponsors:

The best condom advertisement I've ever seen.
(Makes you think twice, eh?)

Update: The link I posted yesterday was supposed to take you directly to the video, but apparently, it didn't link well. Click on the link above. The commercial is the last one on the page. Try the rest of the page too. Or just wait, because no doubt I'll be pulling from this one for a while.

And finally:

The horror... the horror...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Federlines on Pluto

Pluto has been re-named to "asteroid 134340". Sounds like a nice place to visit. People are apparently still arguing over it, and I believe that there's a move afoot to rename Mickey Mouse's dog as well. So, in honor of this whole fiasco, I hereby award the entire profession of astonomer with a Federline Award. Salve dumbass! Popozao!

An interesting question. If you were a 2nd grade teacher, would you teach Pluto as a planet to your kids?

This week's theme:
The Breakfast Club

This is in tribute to my wife, who is obsessed with this movie.

Apparently, so is Family Guy

The trailer that started it all.

On to the news:

Bungling criminal botches shoplifting by stealing wrong size shoes
(And then returns to the scene of the crime)

Here's how to get your kids to do their homework
(As a child psychologist, this might not be the best plan...)

Robber picks on the wrong woman in a wheelchair
(Now that's karma!)

Bright, shiny objects:

The airplane video interpretive safety dance
(Not to be confused with the actual Safety Dance)

Mortal Peep Combat.
(All I want is Peeps on earth!)

Monday Playlist Feature, which seemingly seems to end up on Tuesday lately:
Can you blame me for putting this one on Tuesday this week?

Here's the thing: I don't think that there's any major anniversaries in my life (at least that I can remember) coming up this week. So, because I'm in charge, I hereby declare that we're going to look at what was on the charts as I started first grade in September 1986.

5) Bananarama - Venus

4) Carl Anderson & Gloria Loring - Friends and Lovers

3) Huey Lewis & The News - Stuck With You

2) Lionel Richie - Dancing on the Ceiling

1) Berlin - Take My Breath Away

For some reason, I associate that time with "Dancing on the Ceiling" and now I know why. It was probably on in heavy rotation at the time. Also, why did Jessica Simpson have to and ruin a perfectly good song (she did it with "These Boots Are Made For Walking" too)? It's kinda like Spandau Ballet's "This Much Is True". You can't cover it. It's off-limits.

Today's weird anniversary:

Sept. 12, 1966 -- Cheer up Sleepy Jean! The Monkees premiered today on TV.

Today's fun fact:

Four real women have been portrayed on U.S. coins in the history of the U.S. Mint. They are Sacegewa, Susan B. Anthony, Eunice Shriver Kennedy, and Queen Isabella of Spain.

And finally...

I've found the most addictive song in the world. Scissor Sisters, "I Don't Feel Like Dancing." Oh dear...

Monday, September 11, 2006

For those who love us and those who hate us

Perhaps you might understand that given what happened 5 years ago today, FIF would fall silent today.

I'm reminded of a prayer that I hear every Sunday at church:

For those who love us and those who hate us. Lord have mercy.

Friday, September 08, 2006

So much Shat, so little time

Don't ever go to graduate school. I'm learning this the hard way... after 4+ years. I am currently chained to the twin masters of my dissertation and my internship applications. So I'm chained to Microsoft Word editing essays and adding in references and stuff like that. This is why the blog's about half-put-together today.

Something magical happened 11 years ago today.

This week's theme:
William Shatner

William Shatner talking about Esperanto.

William Shatner, a retrospective
(So many memories...)

William Shatner, a man of temperance
(featuring Dick Clark! For some reason, he was a running joke on the show)

On to the news:

From the "life hands you lemons" file

Now this is how to convert someone!
(Alabama + people with three names + guns + Jesus)

When you care enough to send the very best
(Or sheep poop... whichever comes first)

And now a word from our sponsors:

The Commodore VIC-20
(What I use everyday to write this blog)

And finally:

My wife drove our new car for the first time. It was also her first time driving in Chicago. She's so cute when she's terrified.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Parents: Just say no

The world just isn't making sense today. Dar Williams was right: Our parents do more drugs than we do. I don't know if MSNBC picked up on the connection, but they posted this story further down the page.

Federline Award winner Paris Hilton was arrested for DUI. (Popozao!) It's apparently this week's "alcohol was involved" story!

And, reversing 26 years of apparent lies that have been told to me, mice do not like cheese.

This week's theme:
William Shatner

I was telling my wife yesterday about my inauguration of the William Shatner Awards. She said, "Oh, the award for the person who whores themselves out for the least amount of money and the greatest loss of dignity and self-respect."

I think I found a new inscription for the Shatner Award trophy.

If you liked Rocketman, wait until you see Taxi.

On to the news:

Beer can collectors' show?
(See, it's all about alcohol and drugs today)

Miss Pakistan at the Miss World Bikini contest?
(That's what Pakistan wants to know)

And now, a sweet one
(Cute marriage propsals)

I'm not sure if this is a stupid criminal story
(I suppose it's less of a mess than applying for food stamps)

Bright, shiny objects:

Am I Annoying?
(The site that dares to ask the question, is ___ annoying?)

I so could have done that
(Count to 9, that is)

Today's odd anniversary:

September 7, 1927 -- Happy anniversary couch potatoes. On this date, Philo Farnsworth demonstrated the television for the first time in San Francisco.

Today's fun fact:

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

And finally:

While home this past weekend, my family went to see the Wizard of Oz, with the score played live by the Cleveland Orchestra. (Or was it Pink Floyd?) If your local orchestra does such things, I recommend them highly. The other thing I noticed, not having seen Wizard in a while was that the movie was entirely about drugs. The Wicked Witch sends "Poppies" to put Dorothy and friends to sleep. But, Glinda sends "snow" to wake them up.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Chad 3

Two words: Chad Three.

This week's theme:
William Shatner

In an odd news story, William Shatner is apparently afraid to boldly go where... well, you know.

Also, In Star Trek XI, which will apparently come out next year, the part of the young Captain Kirk will apparently be played by Matt Damon... I'll let that one sink in for a moment. While you're crying hysterically:

Here's Shatner's official website. It's worth reading for some comedic value. Every once in a while, I come across someone who does something outrageous in pursuit of a few dollars. For some reason it always seems to be William Shatner. In fact, my wife and I have a game we play once in a while called, "What Will William Shatner Do For Five Dollars." Please don't ask anything more than that.

Like the time that he sold his kidney stone for $25,000. (He did donate the money to Habitat for Humanity, to his credit.) Or the time he raffled off a night with himself. Or the odd William Shatner DVD Club. It seems to happen enough, that I think that when someone does such a shameless self-promotional plug that we hear about at FIF, I shall award a William Shatner Award. Congrats Bill, you are now in the same league as Kevin Federline.

On to the news:

This week's worst excuse for a speeding ticket
(But perhaps the most creative)

Because you never know when that CPR training will come in handy
(Would you?)

And this week's worst excuse for an attempted murder
(Alcohol, guns, murder, chickens?)

Bright, shiny objects:

Yeah, that's what I'd call my store.
(But then again, a major sports team used to call itself the Kansas City Wiz)

Ashamed of your job?
(Perhaps not as much as this guy)

Today's odd anniversary:

September 6, 1966 - "Star Trek" premieres on NBC TV (thematic, aren't I?)

Today's fun fact:

The actual lyrics to Louie Louie.

And finally:

It's apparently such a slow news day that MSNBC is reduced to running stories about the Pope's hat. This recounting of the story even had the line, "There was no special reason for the hat, other than keeping the sun out of his eyes." Thanks.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Chicago, that way. Ohio, this way.

And now, my life, summed up in one picture.

This weekend, my wife and I went out to the most beautiful place in the world, Cleveland, Ohio for the purposes of celebrating my grandfather's 84th birthday, my parents 30th wedding anniversary, and my saint's name day.

One of the nice things about coming home to Cleveland is that it means that I can drive for a few hundred miles and stop off at rest stops along the highway. I have to say, there is nothing funnier than a rest stop gift shop. In addition to the usual bunch of travel supplies, snacks, and cold beverages, you also get the most wonderful assortment of tacky knick-knacks on the planet. You can get refrigderator magnets shaped like every state in the union! Need a ceramic duck with the word "Indiana" emblazened on it? They've got it! But, then again, it's good to be back in the swing of things.

This week's theme:
William Shatner

Does this theme need any introduction?

William Shatner does Rocketman
(Perhaps you saw the Family Guy parody and wanted to know what that was about?)

On to the news:

Ever get a phone call from someone you were just thinking about?
(Conjured them up, so to speak?)

Man arrested for the 100th time
(Perhaps he should join a perks club for such things?)

This one's worth it for the picture
(Dog bites man, not news. Man bites dog, news. Dog rides horse, FIF!)

This one's worth it just to read the words "robo-trout" in a real news story
(Talk about a fish story.)

This week's oddest theft charge
(A mule harness?)

Bright, shiny objects:

The website from whence I got the road sign pictures
(You'll be amazed how much time you can waste here.)

As an Ohio native, I can assure you that this is legitimate
(He really did run for governor.)

Monday (sorta) Playlist Feature:

Again, every Monday (yesterday was a government holiday... sue me...) I'll be looking into my past to see what major (or minor) events happened in my life on that day, and taking a look back into history for the top 5 songs of that time. On September 6th, 2001, I sprained my ankle. How? I was conducting psychology research. At the time, I was a senior in college and I was collecting some preliminary data for my senior honors thesis. I missed a step.

Anyway, the top 5 for September 6th, 2001.

5) Jennifer Lopez -- I'm Real

4) Staind -- It's Been a While

3) Janet Jackson -- Someone to Call My Lover

2) Blu Cantrell -- Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)

1) Eve f. Gwen Stefani -- Let Me Blow Ya Mind

Today's weird anniversary:

September 5th, 1698 -- Peter the Great of Russia imposes a tax on beards. Apparently, he had nothing better to do.
(Want to know other things that happened on this date in history?)

Today's Fun Fact:

In the course of an average lifetime, while sleeping you might eat around 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders, or more.

And finally:

Seen at one of the rest stops in Indiana:
"Maintenance man is in one of three restrooms"
(I don't want to know the explanation for that one)

Monday, September 04, 2006

Friday, September 01, 2006

Elton John and Snoop Dogg

Live from the most beautiful place in the world: Cleveland, I greet you. A short one today, due to the fact that I had to sit through the horridly bad VMAs last night for three hours (the things I do for my readers!), and I've been driving all day. However, I love doing the drive across Indiana. I like driving in general, but the sight of actual open space makes me happy that I won't be in Chicago for much longer.

Not sure if I'll have an update on Monday, since we drive back to Chicago that day.

On to the news:

Elton John to record hip-hop album
(I somehow missed this the other day.)

People are still arguing about a tiny uninhabitable planet(?) a few billion miles away that no one will set foot on for a few centuries
(Humanity needs a hobby...)

And now a word from our sponsors:

I think the implication here is that Coke = Holy Water
(But there may be a few other implications in here.)

And finally:

There's not much to say today. So, here's a shameless plug for my wife.