Friday, December 15, 2006

The First Annual FIF Awards

This is my last regularly scheduled blog post for 2006. I'm sure that at some point in the next few days, I'll post a thing or two, but no guarantees. You'll have to make due with reading the old archives and laughing yourself silly there. Now that I've been blogging for six months, I have to say, I never thought I'd enjoy it this much. So, to end the year, I am proud to present my first annual FIF awards.

FIF story of the year (celebrity division):


Lindsay Lohan recruits Al Gore to help rehabilitate her image
(Did that one really happen?)

Britney Spears files for divorce from Kevin Federline, on the same day as the mid-term election
(She got top billing!)

O.J. Simpson wins a William Shatner Award for his planned "If I Did It Book"
(Blurring the lines between news and taste, once again, it's OJ!)

Anything involving Kevin Federline, for that matter
(14:58... 14:59... also, does anyone remember the EBay auction for the half-eaten sandwhich and corn dog eaten by Mr. and Mrs. Federline themselves?)

Or Paris Hilton
(Why is she famous again?)

Elton John to record hip-hop album with Snoop Dogg and Kanye West
(The mind boggles)

The Winner: This is essentially the Golden Federline Award. Britney Spears made a late charge at the end of the year with all of her post-divorce work. However, to give the award to Britney Spears would overlook both her guiding force during that time and the woman who has made more consistent and extensive contributions to the field of stupidity than anyone this year. The 2006 Golden Federline Award goes to Ms. Paris Hilton.

FIF story of the year (animal division):


Camel crashes Christmas party, drinks all the beer
(But oddly, didn't smoke any of the cigarettes)

The alpaca paternity lawsuit story
(Total head-scratcher)

Man chases herd of deer with his helicopter
(And is charged with airborne harrassment of wildlife)

Dog rides horse
(Dog bites man, not news. Man bites dog, news. Dog rides horse, FIF!)

Don't hug Swiss cows
(This was apparently a problem.)

Chicken serves as bridesmaid in wedding
(And apparently, they still got married)

The winner: A few good ones. The alpaca paternity story was odd, and the chicken bridesmaid was absurd, but nothing quite beats the thought of a man in a helicopter scaring a herd of deer.

FIF story of the year (stupid criminals division):


Man calls 911 to report that his drugs have been stolen
(Apparently, he had a few too many of them)

12 year old arrested for opening a Christmas gift early
(Called in by his mother... who bailed him out?)

Naked burglar?
(What exactly is the thought process that goes into this?)

The worst excuse for a speeding ticket of the year
(Lack of goats?)

Man doesn't want to tell airport officials that he's carrying a penis pump in his bag
(So he tells them it's a bomb)

Ex-con breaks into jail because he missed it
(He got his wish)

Perhaps he should have tried a less obvious disguise
(But, it's a great mental image)

The winner: The penis pump - bomb one was borderling on unbelievable. The speeding ticket was cute. Calling 911 to report that your drugs have been stolen is a head-shaker. But, the image of the cross-dressing bank robber on roller skates is beyond absurd. Our dumbest criminal of the year goes to the last story on that list.

FIF story of the year ("alcohol was involved" division)


Man fakes his own mugging to cover up his drunk-biking accident
(Yeah... I got... mugged...)

Customs officers discover bootleg vodka pipeline out of Russia
(Where else?)

Woman shows up drunk to her own DWI hearing
(Now that'll get some sympathy from the judge)

Drunk man runs himself over
(Don't drink and drive. The life you save may be your own.)

Drunk man gets into fight with panda
(Could be in the animal division too)

The winner: Does it matter?

FIF story of the year (WTF division):


School bans children from playing tag
(Too many accidents...)

The spray-on condom story

Man steals a doctor's note from his pregnant girlfriend
(Only women use gynecologists?)

Man who dresses up as cigarette busted for bigamy

Dead woman wins election on coin flip

Ugly goldfish gets plastic surgery
(It'll be dead in two weeks anyway)

Mattel makes a dog for Barbie that actually poops
(Soon, Barbie herself will have internal organs)

Cows moo with regional accents
(And someone studied this)

Buddhist monks get into fight at peace protest
(Mental image...)

The winner: Hahahaha! Buddhist monks fighting!

Headline of the year:


Headline: Hermaphrodtic deer with seven legs 'tasty'
(From, well, yesterday)

Headline: Bee thieves stage sting
(Who steals bees?)

Headline: German lawyer seeks compensation for alien abduction victims
(Mental note: Call this guy)

Headline: Alleged burglar in thong leaves video

Headline: Teddy bear kills 2500 fish in New Hampshire
(They look so innocent, don't they...)

Headline: Man needed surgery after sex with hedgehog
(No kidding...)

Headline: Woman crashes while teaching dog to drive
(*jaw agape*)

The winner: Bee thieves stage sting was worthy of all the groans it got. Woman crashes car while teaching dog to drive is the headline that you look at for a moment and then realize why it's funny. Man having sex with hedgehog is just wrong. This year's winner, though, goes to that marauding teddy bear with a gun and the fish that fear him.

Brightest, shiniest object of the year:

Nominees: has to at least have on representative

Mark Day's Burger King of the Jews
(My new favorite comedian)

Funny game show answers
(People under pressure + TV camera = laughter)

Things the government has funded
(Thanks, wife, for this one)

Male restroom etiquette
(Required viewing for men)

Stupid antelope!
(Inside joke...)

The German country band's cover of Hey Ya!
(It has been a funny year, hasn't it...)

The Statz Rappers
(Let me see your what?)

Rollin' Wit Saget
(WTF factor: maximum)

The mother of all trailers
(My wife and I still say "And Edward Norton" to each other)

The winner: As a statistics teacher, anyone who takes Nelly and turns it into a song about statistics is good in my book.

Wife of the year:


DJ Chia Pet
(I love you, sweetie)

Winner: Well, I'll be, it's DJ Chia Pet.

And finally:

One more to end the year. My wife and I went to Walgreens tonight where we were scheduled to buy some miscellanity. We walk into the store and she takes charge saying, "OK, let's head over to the candy aisle." She leads me right to the feminine hygiene products aisle. I pointed out the small inconsistency. Her only response was, "I was actually aiming for the shampoo."

I love my wife.

To all of you FIF readers out there, may every blessing fall upon you and remain there during this Christmas-time, and onward into the new year. See you in 2007.

peace, love, happiness, banana pudding,
The Pizza Cutter


Dove Knits said...

Ooo, what do I win?

Chris said...

Cumin, Pepper, Thyme, Rosemary, and Salt say "Hello"!
(Seasons' Greetings)

I look forward to getting back to reading your blog after my sabbatical ends in January!

Jeeze....with this list, wtf can happen in 2007?

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