Friday, July 14, 2006

And Representing the United States...

This is the last blog entry for the next couple of weeks. (Visualization needed here.) I've appointed myself as a cultural ambassador and diplomatic envoy to Russia, and I'm headed there with my wife. My envoy mission will last for two weeks or until I get deported, whichever comes first.

During my stay there, I will get to practice the (American) rules of inter-lingual communication:

1) Never ever attempt the local language. If those poor saps want to communicate with you, let them speak God's language: English.

2) If you must deign to speak to the locals, first address them in a calm conversational tone in English. Perhaps if you want to be very friendly, you might learn the phrase for "Do you speak English?" in the local language. If they do not say "yes" (in English), discontinue the conversation. You are dealing with a savage native.

2a) Remember, everyone loves Americans and wants to be one. Speaking to the locals in English will make them feel special, as if they have a chance to actually become an American.

3) If there is some reason that you must continue the conversation, despite the person not fully understanding the English language (for example: your arm is bleeding profusely and you need medical attention), the proper next step is to repeat what you said earlier, only louder. No yelling (yet). This increase in volume will increase the savage's English comprehension.

4) In the event that the savage does not understand, yell the same English phrase. After all, the thing that will make someone understand a random group of sounds as an attempt at friendly communication is a tone which makes you appear that you are belligerent and angry.

5) Begin repeating the phrase over and over. Exaggerated gesticulations will also help. At this point, the savage may copy your mannerism and attempt the English phrase with a fantastically cute accent. You may bleed to death in front of him, but you can die knowing that you have helped a savage one step closer to being an American. You automatically go to heaven at that point.

On to the news:

The dating game meets Rescue 911
(This could be your future cellmate!)

Beer company CEO charged with DUI
(Where's the irony police when you need them?)

Well, it's a little early for Santa to be here...
(This too could be your future cellmate!)

And one more reason to stay out of jail
(and you thought a mall in December was bad!)

Other bright, shiny objects:

One more Bob Saget tribute.
(Setting the record straight on Danny Tanner.)

Now this is dangerous.
(And funny. That's the best possible combo. Come up with a good one? Post it.)

And finally:

Un-repentant Trekkies of the world, unite!
(And when someone says to me, "Live long and prosper," I seriously mean it when I say "Get a life!")

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