Thus sayeth Paris Hilton

I know I said I was leaving the country, but then I heard that this happened:

Thus sayeth Paris Hilton:

"I haven't accepted money from my parents since I was 18. Since then, I've worked on my own. I lot of my friends still don't have a job and they live at home, and have to ask their parents for everything. It feels good that I don't ever have to depend on a man or my family for anything."

This story also contains the following howler:

Paris - who has her own perfume and clothing line, is an actress, a model and is about to release her debut pop album (Ed note) - admits she is a workaholic.

Thus also sayeth Paris Hilton:

"A lot of women are too thin. But I like food too much. I think those people who are getting really skinny - and I'm not saying which ones - just look gross."

Paris recently revealed she thinks one-night stands are "gross".

Apparently not knowing when to call it quits, thus also sayeth Paris Hilton:

Paris Hilton is giving up sex for a year. The hotel heiress has imposed the ban on herself because she is convinced that abstaining from all carnal activity will help her to "rediscover" herself. She said: "I'm doing it just because I want to. I feel I'm becoming stronger as a person."

When I used to do my radio show back in college, I would often think, OK, after I'm done reporting on this story, what direction should I go? In this case, I see the following nominees

1. Utterly disbelieving, "Did I actually just hear that" blank look, too shocked to say anything
2. Hey kettle, it's the pot. You know what, kettle? You're black, kettle. Black, I say.
3. Congratulate Paris for considering that she may actually want to do something useful with her life other than be known as the airhead heiress, and reforming her life.
4. Off-color joke concerning how they'll make a sequel to "One Night in Paris"
5. Congratulations, Paris, you just won a Federline Award.
6. Well, with all the stuff going on in the Middle East, maybe this is just one of those signs of the Apocalypse.

Any way I look at it, I think now would be a really good time to leave the country.