Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Jesus Hates the Yankees

Last night, I had to take care of some banking. My wife and I have our one year wedding anniversary coming up this weekend, and my grandparents (bless their hearts) sent us a check with instructions that we should go out to a nice dinner on them. There was just one problem: my grandmother spelled my name wrong on the check. For my Russian wife's name, on the other hand, she nailed the spelling. This is the same grandmoher who told me that I was 100% Irish, even though she is married to my Polish grandfather.

I woke up this morning to find out that Paris Hilton, that paragon of stability, wants to be a mother. Remember, you need a license to drive a car, go fishing, sell a house, and work as a roofer, but any two idiots can make a baby. Now, we just need to find someone who's as talentless and air-headed as she is.

Kevin Federline wants to save the penny.
(After all, he's got 50 mil, he can do whatever he wants. Popozao!)

That's just... odd.

So Disturbing It Deserves Its Own Subhead:

I thought that this would be the most disturbing version of "Baby Got Back" I would ever hear. I was wrong.

On to the news:

Oh, you mean videotaping someone's every move while they're playing a game show on an island in which they have to fend completely for themselves might de-stabilize that person?
(I'd rather ponder the final sentence of this story: "Heidik is a former North Carolina State football player, used-car salesman and part-time actor." In other words, he's O.J. Simpson.)

A job you should be glad you don't have.
(So, I was putting sunblock on the albino horse, if you know what I mean.)

Things really haven't been going well for the Chicago Bulls since Michael Jordan retired
(I want to know what the mug shot looked like)

Usually, Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!) stories involved stupid criminal stories. However, this time, the tables have turned.

Other things on my mind:

I was impressed that there were no stories involving people with odd injuries due to mishandling fireworks while intoxicated. America showed great restraint on its 230th birthday. Maybe they just won't be filed until tomorrow.

(and someone buy me this to go with it.)

And Finally:

The marriage of old school baseball and old school NES games.
(There are some things in life that should win an award, but aren't really eligible for any of the ones normally given out. This is one of them. I'm taking nomination on what one might call such an award...)


Jonathan said...


And, by "part time actor," they mean that Brian Heidik has appeared in of soft-core porn films.

And an episode of Doogie Howser, M.D.. Because all of the Survivor winners have to pay their respects to the N.P.H.

Dove Knits said...

You know why, don't you? They LIKE ME BETTER.