Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Federline Awards

Here at the Foreign Intelligence Files (FIF for short!), we look to recognize people who make a difference in the world. People who embody the spirit of FIF, by doing or saying something so profound(ly stupid) that they deserve some sort of special recognition. The thing is that someone doesn't win a Federline for one instance of FIF-ness. A Federline is only awarded to those who have proven time and again that, despite the roughly three pounds of neural networking and myelin sheathing between their ears, they still can manage to say and do the dumbest things known to man.

Our patron saint, of course, is dancer, rapper, and devoted husband and father Kevin Federline. Waste the next three and a half minutes of your life here. That should explain everything you need to know. Anyone who can, seriously, say "This marijuana's got me heavily sedated/ I'm Kevin Federline, America's most hated" (huh?) or "I'm handing out ass-kickings like diplomas" (it takes four years and a lot of work for you to beat someone up?) deserves some sort of place in America's cultural pantheon. Perhaps this is what Britney sees in him.

Today's Federline Award goes to: Jose Canseco.

In a blindingly amazing feat of logic, the San Diego Surf Dawgs designated hitter and occasional knuckleballer said that Major League Baseball wanted the "face" of its "nobody in baseball does steroids" party line to be Rafael Palmeiro. (I'm with you so far...) Palmeiro, after all, was approaching 3000 hits, was a community leader, and, like Canseco, a Cuban emigree. (Canseco's theory: then it wasn't a racial issue...) If Palmeiro was taking any drug, it was Viagra. Makes sense so far, doesn't it?

According to Canseco, MLB came to this decision after Palmeiro tested positive for steroids. Canseco alleges that MLB officials called Palmeiro in and told him that they had a positive test on him. Then, they blackmailed him into... publicly saying that he had never done steroids and that Canseco was making up a bunch of lies. So, MLB apparently figured that their best spokesman for the fact that no one in the league was juicing was a guy that they specifically knew had tested positive.

Canseco could have stopped there. But then, he wouldn't have won a Federline Award. Jose then said that MLB leaked the fact that Palmeiro had tested positive to the media because they were afraid Congress would find out. So... in an attempt to make themselves look better, MLB leaked information that completely undercut their spokesman, Palmeiro.

Something else had to be in that syringe back in 1987.

On to the News:

And you thought the hot dog eating contest was stupid.
(BONUS: Alcohol was involved!)

Could this be your future cellmate?
(BONUS: Alcohol was involved!)

Other interesting stuff:

Ah, old, but so much fun...
(ummmm, are you at work, right now?)

Finally a movie based in Cleveland...
(Coming this summer... so to speak...)

And Finally:

A quick shout out to The Bittersweets. I have their album in my CD player. They're a roots rock/Americana band from San Francisco, and the disc is fantastic. Highly recommended.


Dove Knits said...


Pizza Lover said...

Mr. Cutter,

I see that you're in Chicago. Do you know of a good pizza recipe or is New York Pizza better?

Yours in Sauce & Cheesy Goodness