First Annual VMA Preview

Usually, I only do one of these for the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament... but I decided to give the Empty TV Idiot Music Awards a try. You see, every year, MTV gathers together the entire entertainment industry and pays homage to the best practitioners of an art form to which they no longer actually give any air play. This would be like ESPN holding movie awards because back before endless reruns of SportsCenter, they actually used to run movies. (ESPN = Entertainment and Sports Programming Network... the Entertainment was the movies.) ESPN figured out that they actually could make a functioning channel of nothing but SportsCenter. Thus, ESPN News was born. I now know the reason why I stopped watching TV.

Another MTV rant, while I'm in the area. Has anyone else seen My Super Sweet Sixteen? Is this not the most disturbing show ever? As an actual child psychologist (seriously, that's my day job), I object.

MTV is actually something of a life-course bell weather. There was a point in my life where I realized that MTV had absolutely nothing to do with my life. When you pass that point, you will know that you are old.

Anyway…


Video of the Year:

And the nominees are:
Christina Aggalerra (you have to say it like that) -- Ain't No Other Man
(Attempting to channel Uma Thurman, Gwen Stefani, Paris Hilton, and half a dozen other blondes while singing "You've soul, you've got class, you've got style, you're bad ass." As another MTV show would say, "Next!")

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Dani California
(Attempting to channel every music video cliche of the past 40 years, but in a hilariously self-aware parody. Brilliant.)

Madonna -- Hung Up
(I like the up-tempo techno-y dance song that she didn't write. The video is... Madonna dancing around. How is this any different from "Ray of Light" ? Considering that "Ray of Light" won this award in 1998, maybe it's not a bad strategy.)

Shakira f. Wyclef Jean -- Hips Don't Lie
(There's exactly one reason that this video got nominated. I'll give you a hint. It's not Wyclef Jean.)

Picnic! At the Disco! -- I Write Sins Not Song Titles
(I'm going to say something you may have never thought you'd hear from me. This entire package -- song, band name, video -- is too weird for even me.)

A little history:
(a complete recap of the award)

The really interesting piece of this award is the list of videos that somehow lost, despite being considered among the all-time classics. "Thriller" lost to The Cars "You Might Think" in 1984. A-ha's "Take on Me" (I still think it's the best video ever made) lost to Dire Straits "Money for Nothing" in 1986. (In fairness, I can't fault that choice, although CGI is now so passe... but who's dared to do pen and ink since?) Van Halen's "Right Now" over "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (1992)?

Neil Young won in 1989 for "This Note's For You" Odd.

Since 2000, the award has gone to:
Eminem twice (once over "Fell in Love with a Girl"), "Lady Marmalade" (with Christina Aggalera), "Work It", "Hey Ya!" (which I personally liked, even over Britney Spears in "Toxic"), and "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" (Green Day is the new Creed).

My vote goes to:
The problem this year (and it's a problem) is that the fans are voting for all the awards. However, MTV retained the "Viewer's Choice Award"... which means that this category is what? The Chili Peppers get my vote, because I appreciate good self-aware parody. Madonna comes in a respectable second place. I have to admit, I dig the song "Hung Up", but the video is too bland.

Who will win:
Sadly, it seems to be between Widespread Panic! at the Disco and Christina Aggalera, but Christina's getting major airplay right now. If you're betting on the VMAs, two tips:
1) Get a life!
2) Get the top 40 charts for radio airplay from the next two weeks. Remember, teenagers are voting, and to them, history began three weeks ago.

Sadly, we'll all have to get used to saying Aggalera. By the way, any relation?

Best Male Video:

And the nominees are:
Busta Rhymes f. Every Other Rapper in America -- Touch It (Remix)
(A quick recap: A dedication to a dead friend. Mista Rhymes and someone else making fun of themselves. 11 year old cheerleaders singing some rather suggestive lyrics. And that's just the first minute and a half. Thankfully, all the rappers are labelled for us 26-year-old white guys.)

Nick Lachey -- What's Left of Me
(Didn't you used to be married to someone famous? Is it a bad sign that Ashley Parker Angel might be the better "guy who used to be in a boy band that wasn't N'Sync who went solo"? Answer: Yes.)

James Blunt -- You're Beautiful
(We get it. You're Irish. You're emaciated. You're stripping. You're singing a song called "Beautiful". It works for Christina Aguilera. You're pitiful.)

T.I. -- What You Know
(Standard rap video, which turns into a movie trailer -- trailerre? -- but I actually like the song.)

Kanye West f. Jamie Foxx -- Gold Digger
(He won last year.)


A little history:
(previous winners and losers)

Thriller lost to David Bowie's "China Girl" . What was up in 1984 that no one liked Thriller? More to the point, watch the video and wonder what they were smoking to give that video airplay, much less nominate it.

In 1992, Weird Al got nominated for "Smells Like Nirvana." Odd. (He lost to "Tears in Heaven") Gerardo got nominated in 1991 for "Rico Suave". Sadly, he almost won as he was up against George Michael, Jon Bon Jovi, and eventually winner Chris Isaak. This would be like Milli Vanilli winning a Grammy or something.

Starting in 1994, the winners have gone Tom Petty, Tom Petty, Beck, Beck, Will Smith, Will Smith, Eminem (and after a one year interlude in 2001 of Moby and... uh, Gwen Stefani in the "male" video category... maybe there's something we don't know about Gwen...), Eminem again. Even though he lost in 2001, Mr. Mathers was actually nominated for "Stan". So, precedent favors Kanye West because he won last year.

My vote goes to:
I'm voting for T.I.? There's nothing else out there?

Who will win:
Actually, T.I. makes the most sense here. He's young and hot.


Best Female Video:

Christina Aggalerra (you have to say it like that) -- Ain't No Other Man
(This was apparently one of the five best videos in America last year produced by a female. This is why I married a foreigner.)

Nelly Furtado f. Timbaland -- Promiscuous
(Blah.)

Kelly Clarkson -- Because of You
(American Idol alumns don't get linked. For good reason. And I'm sure you'll see the tears she cries behind those hazel eyes.)

Shakira f. Wyclef Jean -- Hips Don't Lie
(Here's another hint: It's not because of director Sophie Muller. What is up with Shakira doing the Robot? No one's gonna get this reference, but I'll put it in here...)

Madonna -- Hung Up
(Her new album is called Confessions on a Dance Floor. If Madonna is supposed to be into "reinventing" herself every 2 years or so, why does she keep making the same album around the same concept?)


A little history:
(the list)

Madonna has actually lost this award 8 times(!): Material Girl, Open Your Heart (lost to herself, "Papa Don't Preach"), Express Yourself, Vogue, Like a Virgin, Holiday, Beautful Stranger, and Don't Tell Me. It's OK, she's won it thrice (Papa, Take a Bow, Ray of Light).

Funny thing about MTV. They usually get this one right. Looking through the list, I can't see any grave injustices over the years. I see a few that are a little odd (Suzanne Vega won in 1988 for"Luka") or that I would have picked otherweise (k.d. lang beat Annie Lennox in 1992), but I can see the cases for those picks. Perhaps the worst one was Kelly Clarkson winning last year over Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". That's bananas. B-A-ah, nevermind.

Alanis Morrisette won in 1996. Ironic.

Don't you think?

My vote goes to:
Madonna at least put out a snappy song and a serviceable video. It's not that Shakira made a bad video, it's just that Madonna's better.

Who will win:
Ugh. Chrissie Aggalera.


Best Group Video:

And the nominees are:

All-American Rejects -- Move Along
(The angst is vintage 1996. The video effects are too.)

Panic! At the Disco! -- I Write! Sins! Not Tra! gedies!
(My wedding was kinda like that)

Fall Out Boy -- Dance, Dance
(Bands that used to be cool and indie back when I worked at a college radio station are now all mainstream now. This means that most of my fellow DJs won't like them any more. I never liked Fall Out Boy to begin with. However, the high school angst angle was beautifully done.)

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Dani California
(My favorite video of the past year. At least of the ones I saw.)

Gnarls Barkley -- Crazy
(The Rorschach theme is brilliant. As a psychologist, I can tell you that the Rorschach is total garbage, but it's this is an outright brilliant video. I like the song too. Between Gnarls and the Gorillaz, it's a toss up for the most original stuff coming out lately.)

A little history
(did you even know this site was out there?)

In 1989, a band called Living Colour won this award with a song called "Cult of Personality" . I've never heard of either one. And they beat Guns 'n' Roses and a very underappreciated Fine Young Cannibals. I'm still bitter about Garbage's "Push It" losing to the Backstreet Boys in 1998, but that's just me.

What shocked me is that No Doubt has won this award thrice. (Don't Speak, Hey Baby! (a song that I never understood... "All the boys get the girls in the ____?") and It's My Life. Perhaps I too should write a song about my failed relationship with Tony Kanal.)

Lately, the award's been something of a mixed bag. Last year, it went to Green Day, but it's gone to No Doubt, Coldplay, N'Sync, and Blink-182. What does the 182 stand for anyway? Did anyone else notice that this is the only category dominated by rock acts? That's because rappers don't often form groups.

My vote goes to:
Rough choice. I loved Dani California. I really like Gnarls Barkley, and I already voted for the Peppers for Video of the Year. I'm gonna vote for Gnarls. Or the Peppers. This is a category where either cna win and I will be happy.

Who will win:
I think Gnarls could actually steal this one, but since the new buzzword among these kids nowadays is "emo", not that anyone can tell me what that means, it'll probably be Panic! Not a horrid video, just not the best of the bunch.


Best Rap Video:

That's right... I'm expounding on rap videos. It makes me wonder who they'll get to actually present the award. Like, whom do I pay how much to have it be Elton John and Yanni presenting this one?

And the nominees are:

50 Cent -- Window Shopper
(I always sound stupid saying "Fitty". How original. A video in which the rapper says "I'm very rich. After all, I'm 50 Cent." When I was in Russia, they had billboards for a Russian radio station which said something like "We play 50 Cent" and it had half a dollar bill. This was the only positive thing that I could possibly say about this absolute waste of three and a half minutes of my life. That, and it's better than "America's Most Hated." Popozao!)

T.I. -- What You Know
(I guess the only thing I can say about it is that I have no idea what they're talking about. "What you know about that?" Apparently nothing.)

Busta Rhymes and Friends -- Touch It (Remix)
(I'll give an award if anyone can tell me what this song is about. A bonus to the person who can tell me why Busta Rhymes gets top billing when he doesn't actually do anything.)

Yung Joc f. Nitty -- It's Goin' Down
(The sign of a rap video that will eventually live in infamy. 30-year-old white guys are doing that awful dance move and believing that they are "ghetto". I'm not making this up. Seriously, this is the new YMCA)

Chamillionaire f. Krayzie Bone -- Ridin'
(Message: I'm an outlaw. That's soooo coool. Like, omg, that's so hot. I can totally understand what it's like to be black. Like, Chrissie, omg, isn't this hot! Like, omg. I mean, omg! Has anyone stopped to think that most white kids in the suburbs, who account for 90% of the sales of rap albums, get most of their ideas of African-Americans from garbage like this?)

History:
(a complete listing)

The first one of these went to "Parents Just Don't Understand", followed by McHammer, and a couple years of the band Arrested Development. Since, it's been a cast of the usual black male suspects (Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Nelly, and uh... Will Smith).

In other words, a collection of devent videos featuring hit vapid songs by commercially safe artists that got a lot of airplay. MTV has never gotten too experimental with this one, I'm sure not wanting to lose street cred (omg, I'm so ghetto!) with what they eventually figured out was going to be their core audience. If they picked artists like Arrested Development nowadays, artists who actually had some sort of actual message, what would the audience say? That's right, "Who?"

If you want something fun, may I recommend looking through the list of nominees. Digital Underground, Biz Markie, 3rd Base, Sir-Mix-Alot, and Master P stand out.

In 1991, a song called "It's a Shame (My Sister)" got nominated. I'm scared. (It's actually a song about domestic violence.)

My vote goes to:
Rollin' Wit' Saget

Who will win:
Yung Joc. Due to that awful dance move.


Best R&B Video:

And the nominees are:

Beyonce f. Slim Thug & Bun B -- Check On it (Pink Panther)
(On the plane back from Moscow, they played this song and video on continuous loop on one of the in-flight channels. The video itself is funny only for the fact that Beyonce and Steve Martin were in the same movie. What next, Eugene Levy and Samuel L. Jackson?)

Mariah Carey -- Shake it Off
(Watch the video and remember that 16-year-old males are voting.)

Chris Brown -- Yo (Excuse Me Miss)
(A pretty good song, some decent choreography, not a bad video. And a musical shout to the Chi-Lites)

Mary J. Blige -- Be Without You
(First off, will someone tell me how her collaboration with U2 on "One" is not somewhere in here? And why is this one any good? It's about cyber-relationships... What America's youth need is another song about the benefits of randomly hooking up with someone from online.)

Jamie Foxx f. Ludacris -- Unpredicatable
(The standard/theatrical overlay is good. Past that, this is nothing new. This song will be in a Skinemax movie within 6 months. I'm calling it.)

A little history:
(The recap)

Alicia Keys's 2 year hold on the award is over. And that's a sad thing. She actually does R&B as opposed to most of what is called R&B, which is thinly disguised rap. Beyonce's won this one thrice (two with Destiny's Child and once by herself), but then again, the Fugees have won it three times too (1996 for "Killing Me Softly", Wyclef Jean for "Gone 'Til November", and Lauryn Hill for "That Thing"). MJB also has one from 2002. The thing that surprised me is that over the years, Mariah Carey has never won this one, and this is only her third nomination. No real outrages in history, other than the sentimental tip of the cap to Sean Puffy P. Diddy Diddy Puff Daddy Combs win in 1997, but I'll let that slide.

My vote goes to:
In a category of underwhelming entries, I'll go with Chris Brown.

Who will win:
Mariah Carey will win, and look for a Glitter-worthy acceptance speech.


Best Hip-Hop Video

And the nominees are:

Black Eyed Peas -- My Humps
(Confession time: This was my guilty pleasure song of the year. Although, "Pump It" was a better video. Fergie also used to be on Kids Incorporated, along with Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater), Jennifer Love Hewitt, Shanice, and Martika. )

Kanye West f. Jamie Foxx -- Gold Digger
(Cute song. Boring video.)

Common -- Testify
(Courtroom drama, intriguing cinematography, and there's an actual story line in there. Song's pretty good too. I'm impressed by this video.)

Three 6 Mafia -- Stay Fly
(Remember the first time that you saw "Bombs Over Baghdad" and you thought "nice beat, but what the hell are they talking about?" That was my reaction. It's colorful and has a lot people dancing in it, but I've seen that before.)

Daddy Yankee -- Rompe
(Huh? I watched it again. Second reaction: Huh?)

A little history
(You've probably already explored around this site now, but why not?)

Sisqo won this award in 2000 for the "Thong Song". Are we as a culture finally ready to admit how stupid it was that we even noticed that song. Worse, I'll lay $100 that people would be quicker to identify "Sisqo" as the commander of Deep Space Nine than the singer. Since then, it's been mostly Outkast (Miss Jackson and Hey Ya!) and Missy Elliot (Work It and Lose Control). Yes, J-Lo won it one year, but she doesn't count.

My vote goes to:
My brain says Common, but the BEP song was so much fun to sing.

Who will win:
I'll say 3-6-Mafia (what a double play combo! Not only do you throw the guy out, you break his legs!)

Best Dance Video:

And the nominees are:

Madonna -- Hung Up
(A song for dancing? Yes. People dancing in the video? Yes, I guess you can call it that. Madonna doing some sort of weird interpretive dance? Weird, but yeah. Madonna playing DDR? Now that's awesome! )

Sean Paul -- Temperature
(In a finding known as the Everclear Effect, something interesting happens when you play a Sean Paul song. You can have your friends sing all of Sean Paul's other songs at the same time, and they all fit. Try it some time at a party. Not that I can ever understand what the guy's saying. Are his songs in Spanish? Is that my problem?)

Nelly Furtado f. Timbaland -- Promiscuous
(Instead of the old Elvis and the new Elvis, people should argue about the old Nelly vs. the new Nelly. I prefer the old one.)

Shakira f. Wyclef Jean -- Hips Don't Lie
(Whenever, whatever.)

Pussycat Dolls f. Snoop Dogg -- Buttons
(Is Snoop Dogg in every music video? Has anyone else noticed this? Soon, he'll be at every major event in America. Mideast peace treaty signed as the leaders of Israel and Syria clasp hands with Snoop Dogg and Jimmy Carter. I would pay $1,000,000 in Monopoly money for that picture. With that said, did anyone else notice that the Pussycat Dolls can't sing? I didn't think so.)

A little history:
(Don't laugh)

This category has had some howlers. C + C Music Factory (over Groove is in the Heart!), Michael and Janet Jackson, The Spice Girls (over Prodigy's "Breathe"), and Ricky Martin. Not to mention that awful "Yeah!" song a few years ago. Ah, the ephemeral nature of dance music.

Somehow in 1998, Prodigy won for Smack My Bitch Up. Strange. Must have been a make up call for the making them lose to the Spice Girls.

My vote goes to:
The Pussycat Dolls are the new Spice Girls. Therefore, no vote. I'd go with Madonna on this one. The problem is...

Who will win:
The Pussycat Dolls have
1) Six former strippers
2) Snoop Dogg
3) and the song is peaking right now.

But, is this not setting up for the perfect acceptance speech. Snoop Dogg walks up dressed in a pimp outift with all the ladies and everyone fawns over him. Then, Gloria Steinam swoops in and calls for a sexual harrassment lawsuit.


Best Rock Video:

And the nominees are:

30 Seconds to Mars -- The Kill
(Nifty little song. Video is well done, although it doesn't really seem to fit the song.)

Panic! Apparently at a Disco -- I Right Skins Not Tapestries
(The link isn't even to that video. This one is better.)

A.F.I. - Miss Murder
(The Marilyn Manson that it's OK to like. I couldn't take myself seriously enough to actually like the band, but the song, while a complete mess, is worth a few listens. The video is about the same. Throw it in the good, but not great bin.)

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Dani California
(To think that I usually hate everything that has anything to do with California... RHCP actually played my alma mater in 1986.)

Green Day -- Wake Me Up When September Ends
(It's a pretty song, as was Broken Dreams Blvd., but if I have to hear it again... and the award for best acting in a music video goes to... someone else. So does the award for best make up on a lead singer. It's sweet and touched me in all the right places, but that's what my wife is for.)

A little history
(Once you figure out what this award is called)

Green Day won last year in a video category that has struggled with its identity since its inception. What used to be an award sure to go to Metallica is now an award for the best impersonation of My Chemical Romance or to one of the old alt-rock bands still kicking around. It all points back to the same thing: Alt-rock has run its course and is looking for the next Kurt Cobain. In 1998, Dave Matthews was nominated along with Metallica. Think that's weird? The year before Daaaaaave (you know the people who refer to him as Daaaaaaave with a dreamy look in their eyes) was nominated in here with Marilyn Manson.

My vote goes to:
California, rest in peace.

Who will win:
I'm already panicking about the disco.


Best Pop Video:

And the nominees are:

Christina Aggalerra (you have to say it like that) -- Ain't No Other Man
(Remember when...)

Pink -- Stupid Girls
(This is fantastic! I'll even forgive her for stealing the title from Garbage. I laughed for hours after seeing this. It's still funny. And so true.)

Madonna -- Hung Up
(YATTA!)

Shakira f. Wyclef Jean -- Hips Don't Lie
(What else can I say about this video. I like the dress that she's wearing in it? I hadn't realized that Wyclef Jean was still alive? This was the most un-necessary use of the Spanish language in a song since Bono counted 1, 2, 3... 14! Perhaps since the Macarena?)

Nelly Furtado f. Timbaland -- Promiscuous
(Is it just me or are these nominees getting repetitive?)

A little history:
(Does anyone remember Pop-Up Video... now that's history)

A list of everyone who's ever won this award: Kelly Clarkson, No Doubt, Justin Timberlake, No Doubt, N'Sync (twice!), and Ricky Martin. I was about to complain about Kelly Clarkson, but she actually beat Lindsay Lohan and Ashlee Simpson. This award seems to be for the most annoying video of the year. You'll note I didn't really link to any of them. There's a reason. And the reason issssss yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou.

My vote goes to:
Not that I'm actually voting for any of these. But, I really really hope Pink wins and gets up and makes fun of Paris Hilton on stage.

Who will win:
Flip a five-sided coin. Mine came up as Shakira.


Best New Artist in a Video:

And the nominees are:

Angels and Airwaves -- The Adventure
(Now this is something new, differently, and I'll say rather nice. It was quirky, but it worked, and I like the song for the first two minutes. I think this is where rock is going, personally, but I've been wrong before... see Cleo, Letters to. But then again, I can't shake the feeling that they plagiarized from the Cult)

James Blunt -- You're Beautiful
(Is he the same guy as Daniel Powter? Susan Powter?)

Avenged Sevenfold -- Bat Country
(In 10 years, you'll look back on this video and say... "Who were they?" They need to decide if they're angry or Weird Al. You can't be both.)

That freaking Panic! song
(OK, I give up... it's decent! I'd even listen to it at a disco! or with Crisco. I would eat them with cheddar cheese, because I write sins not tragedies. Happy now?)

Chris Brown f. Juelz Santana -- Run It
(He sampled "Yeah!" And made it better. He sounds like a young Michael Jackson. That might not be the best compliment I could toss around, but remember, Michael Jackson used to not be weird... really... and the king of pop.)

Rihanna - S.O.S.
(She's named after a Fleetwood Mac song, kinda. She's sampling Tainted Love. She references Elton John. It's a pretty standard video, but it's flawlessly executed and she looks like she's been doing these videos for the last 10 years. Guilty pleasure street, here I come.)

A little history
(Shall we?)

Well now, this one's been a mixed bag between the now very obscure ('til Tuesday, Crowded House, Living Colour, Michael Penn(?), Jesus Jones, and Natalie Imbruglia... remember her?) and the shooting stars that had their moment extended for a year or two and then faded away (Counting Crows, Hootie and the Blowfish, Eurhytmics, Guns 'n' Roses) and the good picks that have withstood the test of time (Nirvana, STP, Alanis). The recent picks, it's too early to judge. At least this isn't the "Kiss of Death" Best New Artist Grammy.

My vote goes to:
It's hard to tell whether I'm supposed to vote for the new artist or the video. If it's the best new artist, I'll go with Rihanna or Chris Brown. If it's best video, I say Angels and Airwaves. If it's some combo of the two, Rihanna.

Who will win:
This is a really hard one to handicap. I'm out on a limb here, but I'll say Angels and Airwaves. Watch me completely drop this one and James Blunt win it, but I stand by Angels.


Viewers Choice Award

And the nominees are:

Chris Brown f. Juelz Santana -- Run It
(Who cares.)

Rihanna - S.O.S.
(Who cares.)

Fall Out Boy -- Dance, Dance
(Who cares.)

Shakira f. Wyclef Jean -- Hips Don't Lie
(Who cares.)

Kelly Clarkson -- Because of You
(Who cares.)

A little history:
(Is this even relevant?)

OK, so this year, the viewers are voting on all of the awards. We can now return to the question of what this award is then. Judging by the nominees, it's the "We liked your video, but you're on the 'B list' for video of the year" nominees, but that doesn't explain how Shakira is in both categories. Is this like how the MLB All-Star game has the balloting for the last guy to make the roster for each league?

Historically, the result is never a surprise, with the possible exception that Queensryche(!) won in 1991 for "Silent Lucidity".

My vote goes to:
Shakira and Wyclef. Because that's funny to say out loud.

Who will win:
Fall Out Boy is the only rock act on here. The rest split the Top 40 vote. Fall Out Boy sneaks in.


And finally:

Oh, there's so much more to write. Why didn't so and so get nominated? Remember those crazy moments from years past (that all seem to involve Britney Spears, Madonna, or Michael Jackson... now there's a threesome! Sorry about that mental picture)? Did you know that 'til Tuesday was Aimee Mann's band? More on Kevin Federline (Popozao!), because you know he'll be there? Why did they pick Jack Black to host?

Worry not reader. We'll cover that on the night of, when I live-blog the MTV VMA's, live from the World Communication Hindquarters of the Pet Zebra Society, aka my living room.

Thanks for reading this far. Hope you enjoyed this tour through music video history.